Farrah's Televised First Date Is One Of Many Awkward Things That Happen On Teen Mom

There's a lot of poop talk, but not a lot of shit talk.

After two really intense, emotional episodes -- Matt and Amber's trip to Vegas, where he revealed himself in full manipulating asshole mode; and the group Puerto Rico vacation, where Maci finally acknowledged Rahhn's issues -- this week's Teen Mom feels both relaxing and kind of boring. Farrah is considering moving yet again, but this time to L.A.; Gary is moving into a huge new house; Catelynn and Tyler are still talking about that foundation they want to start; and Maci and Taylor continue to have three kids who require a lot of time and attention. Frankly, it's almost Zen to watch people pack boxes and get pedicures this week, even if Matt is still inexplicably on our televisions.

Teen Mom-y Element Present?
Crying Cate -- who wants to name her fictional home for pregnant girls after Carly and can't understand why that is weird and creepy -- visits a crisis pregnancy center to meet with a carefully-prescreened birth mom who shares her adoption journey. There's absolutely zero mention of the fact that these centers regularly lie to women and have shady affiliations, but that sure does explain why Dawn likes this place so much. Cate manages to hold back the tears, but I will not hold back my scorn.


Maybe Cate should take her wall sign's advice.

Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband
Maci and Taylor have been having drunk arguments and "getting snippy" with each other (in this episode, the big conflict is which one of them should hold the baby and which one should do the dishes), so they visit a couples' counselor to talk about some better communication strategies. Here's a better communication strategy, Maci: don't say "and I" when you mean "and me."
Obligatory cute kid Maci gives Jayde a manicure. Sofeeyah helps her mom scroll through Tinder photos. (Ew.) Amber's Before Verhaute makeup has arrived, so she gives Leah the "baby hooker" look (her words, not mine, because additional ew), while simultaneously lecturing her about not wearing makeup until she's older.
Crimes against the English language Mackenzie's son Hudson -- who gets his first mention by name in this episode despite not appearing on camera -- thinks that he and Bintlee are going to be cousins when their parents get married. Dawn doesn't think Cate and Tyler need to "recreate" the wheel. I think Amber went five entire minutes without calling her daughter "Booboo," which has to count for something.
Style disasters BFF Keelie shows up to hang in Maci's backyard fully dolled up...

MTV aviators, hot-pink Hunter boots, and a dress from the Missoni x Target clearance bin.

Meanwhile, Cate still has pink hair...


...and pairs it with some kind of weird flowy figure skating top.

"Shocking Reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet We are now watching Farrah prep for the aftershow that aired last week, as if the timeline on this show wasn't wonky enough. Farrah chooses a guy named Asaf, and they go on a weird date where she gets a pedicure and he hangs out in the chair next to her giving her flowers and asking if he can touch her feet. Asaf is Israeli (sababa, bro) and offers to take Farrah to Tel Aviv for their next date. Nothing about this is weird or fake, especially not the part where they get their photo taken together at the end. Over in Tennessee, Rahhn and Mackenzie are planning their wedding seating charts, but this may all be smoke and mirrors because the internet has deduced that they already had a quickie justice of the peace wedding. Is Hudson about to have another "cousin"?
Tertiary character as voice of reason Cate invites Dawn the adoption counselor to visit their new house. Tyler adds that Dawn has experience at foundations like that so-called one they're going to start when their kids' clothing line takes off like J.C. Penney, and figures maybe she can connect them with people, and of course they're also going to ask Dawn about having a Carly visit because if they don't utter her name at least once per episode they don't get paid. Cate says she has asked Teresa's permission to name their imaginary foundation The Carly House, and Teresa hasn't responded. Tyler insists that he'll keep asking. WE KNOW.
Shit talking There is some very literal shit in this episode. First, Nova tries to give Dawn a "present" of her own feces, which is hilariously symbolic but also gross. Then, Bintlee doesn't like to poop at school and prefers to do it at home, probably because of something related to embarrassment, which his mom decides to make worse by asking him about it on TV and thus embarrassing him even more. The only shit in this scene is Maci, who clearly hasn't seen Welcome To The Dollhouse.

Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping Gary & Co. are moving house, but they haven't told Leah and want it to be a surprise when they pick her up from Amber's. Maybe Leah's a more resilient kid than I was, but child-me would have been so weirded out and disoriented if all my stuff just moved to a totally different location one weekend and nobody told me and it was supposed to be exciting. Amber skips out on the big reveal/goodbye to Leah because she's mad about Gary buying a house "to spite her" and deciding to raise chickens, or something.


Amber's latest "rescue" animal is giving Grumpy Cat a run for her money, though.

Meta moment Maci admits to Keelie that "when the cameras leave," she and Taylor drink and argue with each other. Later, during a FaceTime session with Cate, they revisit the "Rahhn needs to go to rehab" thing from last week, but Maci admits that she still hasn't gone through with confronting him. So did everyone just agree not to give the specifics of his addiction on camera out of respect, or is Mackenzie holding out for her very own People cover?

Having a quarterlife crisis

7 / 10
Final Score
Crisis pregnancy centers, which are seriously so fucking evil, y'all
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