Farrah Waves Off Simon, Sophia's Tantrum, And Her Natural Hair Color On Teen Mom

While the moms take time to be moms, Ryan's girlfriend is busy mothering him.

This week on Teen Mom: some actual parenting! Amber attempts to bury the hatchet by having all four co-parents --her, Gary, Kristina, and Ugh -- take Leah on a haunted Halloween hayride; Farrah yells at Sofeeyah for throwing a tantrum and then buys her a pony because why not; and Bintlee turns eight and is given golf clubs and a special MTV montage in honor of his big day. It's nice to see an episode with absolutely zero yelling, too -- Farrah hired a nanny, which means that neither Deb nor Michael is around to provide free babysitting services while getting screamed at, and Farrah doesn't fire any employees (that we know of).

That total doesn't include the number of times I yelled at the TV when people praised Mackenzie for being her boyfriend's second mother, though.

Teen Mom OG-y Element Present?
Crying Catelynn and Tyler have finally moved into their new house, which currently does not have any orange walls. Coincidentally, it's the day before Butch is getting out of prison, and Tyler -- despite being furious with his dad -- goes to pick him up. The depression that Tyler tried to open up about last week is clearly back in force, but instead of crying he goes fully in the other direction and shuts down. Producers Kiki and Jessica are way more excited to see Butch than Tyler is, and when Pops goes into his latest lecture about how drugs are bad and he has been saved by his son's selfless love, it's only Butch who tears up.
Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband
Despite them currently being broken up, Simon is in Austin to train the employees at the furniture store he and Farrah own together. Simon and Farrah go out to dinner and talk about how tired she is, and he adds that since they run a business together he hopes they can be "more than friends" and "have fun together in the future." I finally get the chemistry between them now that they're not arguing for a change, and I do weirdly root for these two. Ohhhh but then she brings up the stupid engagement ring again, and we're back to where we started.
Obligatory cute kid Emilee screams and cries but falls asleep immediately on Gary's shoulder. Leah dresses up as a kitty cat for Halloween, and she and Amber have a nice moment when Mom does her makeup. Little Jayde has started talking -- and she already has a Southern accent. Meanwhile, it is Bintlee's eighth birthday, so we're treated to a montage of all the birthdays MTV covered in the past -- and, more amusingly, a tour through Maci's last eight years of hairstyles and fashion choices.
Crimes against the English language While Sofeeyah is throwing a tantrum in the car, Farrah informs her that "We're not racist, we don't discriminate, we don't have hate crimes." Amber greets Matt with a "hi studmuffin," and I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Style disasters

Fresh off of showing her granny panties at Maci's wedding last season, Mackenzie is back and wearing an enormous plaid scarf that is equal parts Brad from Hey Dude and Wild West train bandit. And while we're on the topic of Mackenzie, she is not a fan of Rahhn's "old-school Hurley shit" look and has been buying him clothes from Ralph Lauren, not to mention ironing said Ralph Lauren and laying out his clothes for him every morning. Is she a girlfriend or a babysitter?

"Shocking reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet Farrah's Instagram has been full of pictures of the mini horse she bought Sofeeyah, but now we can see little Starburst for ourselves, plus Starburst's adorable friends from the farm.

This is cuter than Jayde and that's saying something.

Tertiary character as voice of reason

Gary's Dad Bod T-shirt has basically become a character in its own right at this point, so it's extra funny to see glimpses of the old Amber when she busts him on its omnipresence by asking how many of them he owns. I still miss the Belden Lineman shirt, though. Also, Catelynn's friend Alexa is back, and she thinks Tyler should cut Butch out of his life and stop giving him so many second chances. Harsh, but she has a point.

Shit-talking Maci once again refers to her children as "shitheads," but considering that kids are shitheads a lot of the time I don't have any problem with it. Wonderfully, though, this episode has a lot of non-shit-talking. First, Maci tells her friend about how great Mackenzie is, how mature she is (BECAUSE SHE IS TWENTY YEARS OLD, SOMEHOW), and how great she has been for Rahhn. Then, Farrah has taken her therapist's (and the entire internet's) advice and hired a nanny instead of expecting Debra to provide free childcare. The nanny's name is Fran, so all I can think about is the other nanny named Fran. This nanny Fran (Franny?) does not have style or flair, but she is there, so that's a good sign. Farrah tells her friend Paola how much she loves Fran and what a good job she's doing, and if this keeps Debz OG off my television then I love her too.
Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping Maci is her usual boring self, but the Edwardses' hijinks and Bintlee's birthday party make her scenes worth watching this week.
Meta moment During what's supposed to be an emotional moment as Tyler picks up his dad from jail, the producers make them pull over so they can mic Butch. And even though last week Tyler and Catelynn said Butch asked them not to talk about the story behind his latest arrest, Butch is all too happy to demonstrate his coke-sniffing technique for the camera.
8 / 10
Final Score
A pony named Starburst
The dead horse that is Ryan's fuckuppery
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