Farrah Finds A Million Ways To Die In Key West In The Teen Mom Season Finale

In other news: Ryan and Mackenzie get hitched in a grassy lot, and Amber and Matt bust up in L.A.

And so we've come to the end of another season of Teen Mom OG. Long gone is the original premise that this was a show about the struggles and realities of teen parenthood; instead, it has morphed into a hyper-meta reality show about twentysomething parents who are on a reality show.

So, where do we leave our four moms? Catelynn and Tyler bought a house shaped like an octagon, and she has fallen in love with a horse named Callie, probably because her name almost sounds like "Carly." Maci finally admitted (on TV, anyway) that Ryan has some kind of addiction issues and that she's trying to take the tough-ish love approach by withholding his access to Bintlee. Gary and Kristina are raising their kids and learning how to embrace farm life with the chickens that they only bought to spite Amber. Farrah and Simon are still "not dating" but going on vacation with each other and basically acting like people who are dating. And Amber is...well, we'll get to that in a sec.

Teen Mom-y Element Present?
Crying Despite making a big to-do about choosing a ball gown and a venue earlier this season, Mackenzie is now scheduling a quickie wedding to Rahhn, which she claims is just so they can be married when he files for for a formal custody agreement, and totally not because he's about to get shipped off to rehab and she has to lock that shit down. At the wedding venue -- which is a public park in front of an aquarium, next to a parking lot -- Jenn completely loses her shit over the fact that the wedding isn't huge and fancy with tons of guests, and yet she doesn't seem to have cried a single on-camera tear about enabling the shit out of her son’s drug addiction. The day is saved when Rahhn kisses his mother on the mouth right before kissing Mackenzie on the mouth. There only thing on my mouth right now is a grimace and maybe some dried vomit.
Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband
Amber cries to Kiki the producer about how she doesn't trust Matt -- he drained their shared bank account and "may have" cheated. That's all fucked up, but not as fucked up as Amber claiming that if she breaks up with Matt, Leah will lose her best friend. Umm, Matt is Leah's best friend as much as Debra is Simon's best friend. Matt takes a polygraph, and one of the answers--about whether he made sexual advances to [name bleeped out, but we can probably guess it's Tiffany] pings as a lie. Amber freaks out, screaming at Matt, and is then escorted out by MTV security and Kiki. She sobs something unintelligible about "three years" and "Leah" while wearing what seems to be a hooded catsuit, and while I am enjoying the drama of the situation it doesn't feel like Matt's going to get his comeuppance since these two are filming a season of that Marriage Boot Camp show together. Matt follows her outside, she yells that he is trash while an actual garbage truck goes by in the background, because even the ugliest moments in life can still contain poetry.
Obligatory cute kid No Jayde? No Leah? No Maverick? Like five seconds of Nova? This episode is light on the kids and heavy on the grownup drama.
Crimes against the English language Amber regrets ruining her "teenager years." A clearly messed-up Rahhn says he needs to "take a haircut" before the wedding. Mackenzie refers to the minister as "the wedding man." Debra, in full-on martyr mode, says, "I live in the tempest of hell, constantly," which doesn't mean anything but might also be true? Not to be outdone, Doctor Dave mentions that when he travels he likes to "eat and cook the locals," and considering how weird he is, maybe cannibalism isn't the furthest leap.
Style disasters In L.A., after attending the MTV Movie Awards and getting ready for Matt's polygraph test...


...Amber wears a top that looks like a figure-skating outfit.

Meanwhile, in Key West...


Dave and Debra go for a mishmash of clashing patterns, infantile hats, and manspreading.

"Shocking Reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet Although we've probably seen Rahhn high on camera a bunch of times by now, this is the first time MTV put a disclaimer about "disturbing footage" on screen, plus a PSA about driving under the influence. The disturbing footage is Rahhn driving to his own wedding while nodding out, closing his eyes, and muttering to himself. It gets to the point where Mackenzie clicks off the GoPro cameras MTV put on their car dashboard, but she forgets the mics are still on and asks if Rahhn took a Xanax, which he swears on Bintlee's life (ugh) isn't true. I believe him, but only because he clearly took something way stronger than a Xanax. This was clearly part of MTV's well-coordinated PR attack, as an official admission of addiction and comment about rehab were issued by Rahhn about five seconds after this episode aired.
Tertiary character as voice of reason Kiki the producer tries to comfort a sobbing Amber by saying that "whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger," and Amber says she hates that expression and that Kiki needs to shut it.


Point: Amber. No points: Amber's runny mascara, which evidently forgot to be haute.

Shit talking It's Dave and Deb versus Farrah and Simon in Key West. The adults -- Farrah, blessedly, kept Sofeeyah distracted and not nearby -- have dinner, and Farrah flat out asks Dave what his problem is with her. Dave does that same gross thing Matt does, which is get super-quiet and patronizing and talk around the question instead of answering it, then mumbles some shit about how the "Good Book" says we should respect our parents. It's honor, you creepy Hemingway wannabe, and also you don't have to respect people who chase you with knives. Farrah rails about having taken her mother to family therapy, by which she means the TV show, and Dave willfully misunderstands as actual therapy. I have to admit that Farrah is pretty great in this scene, especially when she yells, "You suck at being a doctor, bitch!"
Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping Maci's idea of trying to have an intervention for Rahhn is "keep calling him but not leaving messages." Girl, you need to talk to Candy and Jeff.
Meta moment Amber and Matt are in L.A., but instead of taking him as her date to the MTV Movie Awards, she goes with...


...Kail, who is hilariously chyroned as a Teen Mom 2 cast member as if people might watch only one of these series.

8 / 10
Final Score
Giving your future stepdad the finger
Giving your mom a big wet one
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