Catelynn Has All the E-Mo-Tions on Teen Mom
There's a lot of actual parenting in this episode, except that Farrah's baby is a frozen yogurt shop.
One of the biggest recurring complaints about Teen Mom is that none of the moms is a teen anymore, and the other is that they are more likely to get storylines about breakups, weddings, family and friend drama, and arguments with their partners than about actual parenting. This week's episode feels like a deliberate response to all of that. Gary and Kristina both have heart-to-hearts with Leah about what it's like splitting her time between two households and how much they love her, while Amber is shown dropping nearly a grand on clothes for her kid but not doing a whole lot else to be there for her. Rahhn, who is still feuding with his dad, takes Bintlee to a water park and they seem to have fun -- and, more importantly, Rahhn's pupils are a normal size and he speaks in complete sentences. Cate and Tyler both engage with Nova, who wears an outfit that covers her entire body for a change. Sofeeyah doesn't seem to be a total demon this week, which I guess is a compliment? But the true highlight of the parenting chats this week is when Debra tries to say she and Michael deserve credit for raising Farrah (I think "blame" is the word you're looking for there, Executive MBA), but Farrah butts in to say that it's she who made them great parents by being the perfect daughter, so the credit is all on Farrah. If misery loves company, then I guess delusion does too. Run while you still can, Amy!
|Teen Mom-y Element||Present?|
|Crying||At a pool party at April's house, Catelynn plays with Nova while her pet "mini pig" -- now enormous, because teacup piglets aren't a thing -- runs around in a fenced area. The editors make it sound like the snorts are ominous and menacing over the visual of kids splashing in the pool, probably to represent Catelynn's anxiety attack in some way, and it's hilarious. Cate tells her mom she's having a panic attack and drives away, leaving Nova with Grandma. Later, in therapy, Kathleen actually says something helpful (yes, I was surprised too): Cate is downplaying her shitty childhood in order to protect April, but April doesn't ever return the favor by protecting her.|| Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband
||Simon is back.
...but he has been downgraded (at least on-screen) to just Farrah's "friend." For some reason, he comes to visit to "help out" with the store opening, which mostly means looking at his phone and eating standing up while she belittles him. Of course, she wears the dumb Froco swirly glasses to go pick him up from the airport. When a producer stagedly asks Simon whether there's a chance of him and Farrah getting back together, he hems and haws and she responds by saying he'll probably have his act together when she's "married and engaged" to someone else.
|Obligatory cute kid||After Leah opens the UPS box that has her backpack in it, Emilee goes and sits in it just like a cat. Baby Jayde is walking and toddles over to big brother Bintlee. Rahhn is still living in the other house, and he just got a tiny dog named Delta. I'm bad with dog breeds, but I think she's a mini pinscher? Either way, she's a sweetie and Bintlee loves her. Amber takes Leah shopping for school clothes, which means a fashion show. Matt loudly voiceovers that altogether everything cost $900, probably (a) to make the audience think they're rich and (b) to complain passive-aggressively about any of Amber's income not going directly to him. But on her first day, Leah opts for the shorts Kristina bought her on clearance instead of one of the frilly "from a boutique!" dresses she got from her mom, so obviously Amber is hurt. Matt comments on how the first day is "always cute," but was he ever there for the first days of school of any of his twelve kids?|
|Crimes against the English language||Farrah's latest business venture has become a popping boba gold mine of hilarious language errors and made-up words. For some reason, Farrah is being interviewed by a dude from the local chamber of commerce. She tells him that her plan for Froco is to franchise internationally in countries like California and New York. Farrah instructs her employees to should use a special "Froco phone" to post stuff from the store on social media: "The phone has the Instagram, the Twitter, the musically."||Style disasters||
It's Farrah's big opening day, and the whole family is there to celebrate among the mass of blurred faces who were willing to collect an appearance fee but not to be recognized. This is what she and her relatives wear for the occasion:
Evening gowns? In a Texas summer? Michael is in the boba suit, which probably gives him the "best dressed" award.
Meanwhile, Kathleen evidently buys her blouses from the same "stick three different styles together in a single top" store that Michael's girlfriend Amy is so fond of.
And I don't know what to think about Gary's "Dad Bod" T-shirt, but...
...as a judge on a TV courtroom show would say, I'll allow it.
|"Shocking Reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet||For some reason, the Froco opening has already been exhaustively covered online, but I'd suggest reading the Yelp reviews instead. "Finally the product. Artificial and substandard" feels nice and metaphorical, not to mention possessing the same clear, straightforward grammar that Farrah is so fond of using.|
|Tertiary character as voice of reason||Taylor gives a sweet -- and, I believe, genuine -- little speech about how much he loves Bintlee and it shouldn't matter whether he's a stepkid or a bio kid. We also learn that he coaches Bintlee's baseball team. His T-shirts are still dumb, but Taylor does seem like a pretty good dude. And considering the close-up shirt of Rahhn's growing gut and greying hair, Maci may have actually made a good decision in the long run.|
|Shit talking||Gary overhears that Leah sometimes feels left out because she knows baby Emilee gets more attention when she's not there. Gary suggests that he and Leah do stuff like go to the movies together, just the two of them, and she snarks, "I like to wake up early. Maybe that's something you should do!" Damn, Leah. That is some RuPaul-approved reading right there.|
|Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping||Minus the shopping spree, Amber is her usual checked-out self this week. But I'm happy to see Gary get her share of screen time instead of Matt.|
|Meta moment||It's hard to tell if the camera people everywhere at the Froco launch are MTV ones or local news ones, but it hardly matters at this point. Also, have we seen Heather since the Hawaii trip where Farrah told her water is heavier than gravity? I'm going to need a proof of life here. Somebody go knock on the door of the port-a-potty.|
|8 / 10
Spending $900 on clothes for your kid
Spending actual time getting to know your kid