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Catelynn Accidentally Steps In It On Teen Mom

'It' being 'Amber and Matt's dysfunctional relationship.'

This week's episode is entitled "Friday The Thirteenth," which happens to be the scheduled date of Amber and Matt's wedding. There's absolutely zero reason to get excited about the scenes of them choosing a venue, since in real time the wedding has already been cancelled, but it is fascinating to watch as their relationship -- by which I mean Matt's creepy control over her -- slowly begins to unravel, and Matt gets increasingly panicked and mean as he senses he's losing his meal ticket and avenue to fame.

Amber, Cate, and Maci all head to New York to do promo interviews for the season of Teen Mom we are currently watching. The only partner to come along is Matt, which sets off a few alarm bells, and when Cate has a panic attack, Matt offers her a Xanax, which "as a former addict" he wasn't even supposed to have in the first place. Cate obviously takes Amber's side, and that leads to yet another fight -- although, blessedly, this time Matt knows better than to suggest that a producer blow someone to keep unflattering footage of him out of the episode.

Teen Mom-y Element Present?
Crying Cate and Tyler, who do nothing all day, decide to enroll Nova in daycare three days a week so that she can learn to socialize with other kids. Since Cate is in New York, Tyler is the one who does the first-day dropoff. Chris, who owns the day care Nova is going to, tells Tyler that time-outs don't work and are "annodated." I’ll forgive the language slip because she's telling Tyler to his face that he is bad at parenting. Nova does not cry when he leaves.
Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband
Knowing that Catelynn told Amber about the Xanax, Matt pulls Amber aside to try to do damage control, asking if she "forgives Daddy." Ewwwwwwww. She responds by calling him "Matthew" and saying she's not going to marry him, so that's a good step. It's not over there, of course: as the girls get their hair and makeup done, Matt first tries to do damage control with Cate (by claiming "a buddy" gave him the Xanax -- let me guess, Jeff again?) and then with Kiki the producer. He demands a few minutes with the reporters interviewing Amber so that he can "tell them what she's really like," which fortunately seems not to have happened, as poor producer Larry was dispatched to ask him out to lunch.
Obligatory cute kid Bintlee gives Taylor a homemade "best stepdad ever" birthday card. Nova runs around and plays cutely at daycare, which her parents keep insisting is "preschool." Emilee has a tiny ponytail on top of her head and bright red cheeks. Jayde knows how to give a high-five.
Crimes against the English language Someone in the MTV captioning department has really fallen down on the job this week.

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Exhibits A, B, and C are entered into the record.

Style disasters Farrah is wearing an "I'll shamrock your world" shirt.

Initially, I was going to give Amber's grandma a "no" for this look...

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...but then she talks about giving lapdances at the bachelorette party and I realized that old ladies should be able to do whatever the fuck they want, including wearing head-to-toe silver. Get it, Grams!

I have no such sympathy, however...

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...for Matt's gross "Amber" tattoo.

"Shocking Reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet It's no surprise to anyone that Matt and Amber's wedding has been called off, considering she didn't send out "save the date"s or show the remotest bit of enthusiasm for the big event, but it is kind of shocking that she hasn't fully kicked him to the curb yet since she seems not to want to be with him at all. It is new information that Maci's BFF Keelie is pregnant, though, so congrats! Maci celebrates by drinking a beer big enough for both of them.
Tertiary character as voice of reason Farrah claims Sofeeyah is super-eager to take an acting class. Cut to her physically dragging Sofeeyah down the hallway of the hotel until a bellhop shows up and sticks her on a luggage cart. Yes, there's a child who is just dying to take an acting class. This reminds of me a few seasons back when Farrah took Sofeeyah to a pet store and asked what kind of pet she wanted; Sofeeyah requested a fish but her mom kept insisting that she actually wanted a puppy. What's the technical term for this? Gaslighting? Momsplaining? Being delusional?

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John the acting coach is wearing a coat indoors, not even trying to hide his beer "Starbucks shaken iced tea," and making a "this better be worth the paycheck" face. Spoiler alert, John: it's not.

Shit talking For some reason, both Simon and the hypnotherapist are coming from separate parts of California to see Farrah in L.A. Farrah suggests that the hypnotherapist trick Simon into not liking her anymore; Simon volleys back that the hypnotherapist should get Farrah to stop lying to herself. I have to give it to Simon: the guy is a pretty good troll.
Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping Farrah's "where should I move?" storyline is as washed-out as her blonde hair. But it's worth it just for the scene of her checking out the tenants who rent her L.A. townhouse, who all appear to be Kardashians or at least Kardashian-adjacents.

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One of them was smart enough to get her face blurred out, though, but the other ones are probably hoping this is the start of a Vanderpump Rules-style spinoff. At the very least it would make for a very good "Spot the Actual Kardashian" Buzzfeed quiz.

Meta moment Considering we're watching the girls do press to get people to watch the thing we are currently watching, the whole episode feels pretty damn meta.
8 / 10
Final Score
80%
Being called Daddy
20%
Being a daddy to the eleventy kids you abandoned
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