BREAKING: Farrah Abraham Has Written And Published An Erotic Novel
And Lilit Marcus used it to figure out everyone Farrah hates.
Remember when Farrah Abraham was on Couples Therapy but not part of a couple and not getting actual therapy? At one point, she said she was working on a trilogy of erotic novels, and, unbelievably, it seems there was one thing that Farrah wasn't actually lying about.
Her first novel, Celebrity Sex Tape: In The Making, is about a girl whose name is close to Farrah's (Fallon), who is from the Midwest (like Farrah!), got famous because of a reality show she did when she was a teenager (about cheerleading, not about being a knocked-up teenager), and who dreams of stardom but only manages to achieve a sex tape. That is actually porn. Even though both Farrah and her publisher write forewords explaining how the book is, like, totally fictional and not at all based on anything real. In other news, Vivid Video clearly has really good lawyers.
This book, if you want to call it that, is about how Farrallon finds herself by banging a bunch of guys, making a porno, selling said porno as a sex tape, and then going on another reality show. But in the meantime she wants you to know she hates a bunch of people. "Fictional" people.
- Her Parents
Farrah's actual parents, Michael and Debra, are crazy people. Fallon's parents, who don't even get names, are also crazy people. And they have zero problems trying to latch on to their daughter's dubious fame.
Did she want me to get my life together? Or cut carrots? I could never tell with her.
- Her Sister
In real life, Farrah and her older sister Ashley have a rocky relationship, since no one can be in Farrah's presence without wanting to run away. In the book, Fallon's sister "Ann" is a total underminer and yet totally right about everything.
"I would have figured you'd have found a prettier rebound," Ann replied... "Being single is better than having the kind of guys you've been with."
- Harvey Levin
Poor Fallon cannot escape the ubiquitous clutches of "ZNS," which doesn't stand for anything, and its owner/host Matt Wright.
If I lived the life they said I had, I wouldn't be in my parents' house.
- Marcel Kaminstein
Farrah dated a dude named Marcel Kaminstein, who later gave an interview talking about what a rude bitch she was. Somehow, she makes the guy look like an asshole while simultaneously depicting him as Israeli sex god named "Ilyan." But she also writes a scene where he eats an apple after sex, which is not a thing that anyone has ever done ever.
"What do you think about anal?" I blinked at him. Was the man reading my mind?
- James Deen
The real-life porn star turned Farrah fake sex tape partner is given the super-subtle nom de sexe "Jimmy Heinz." Like the real Deen, he is a super-popular porn star with an online cooking show. Unlike Deen, he is bad at sex. Farrah, honey, don't lie about shit that is easily disproven with a five second Google search. (Or, as she writes it, "web search." Did Bing pay her off?)
I was appalled at how lax he was with his tongue work.
- Some Girl Who Works At Vivid
Some of the harshest scorn in the book is reserved for someone who evidently is so evil that she is assigned the pseudonym "Kanity." Kanity is a failed wannabe porn star and works for the Vivid knockoff. She thinks nothing of shoving a makeup sponge into Fallon's vag when she gets her period on the porn set. When that girl at summer camp taught me how to use a DivaCup, I at least had the good sense to be grateful.
Were we in competition with each other? Because Kanity would lose. I was not orange.
- Everyone She Ever Worked With
Fallon is some kind of actress and is getting bad press because some people she did some movie with trashed her in the media orsomething? They don't have names and said sins are never explained, so I choose to believe this has to do with being mad at Catelynn and Tyler. But her manager Virginia is portrayed alternately as Fallon's surrogate mom, her pimp, and her jealous rival. Pick a lane, Fallon.
I had the sick feeling I'd allowed Virginia to dupe me, take advantage of my enthusiasm and work ethic.
- Everyone She Has Ever Been Friends With
Every single person in this book, from the high-school boyfriend to the fellow starlet friends who are sliiightly less famous and beautiful than Fallon to the gay bestie, sells our heroine out in one way or another. Fame is hard, guys!
I'd been cast as the supporting actress in a major summer blockbuster movie. It was the one that would give me the credit to get better roles than the two teen-targeted movies I'd done since graduating from reality TV. Love And Lies was supposed to make me a star. The cast made me a scapegoat.
However, there are some positive moments in the book. I will now make a list of everyone Farrah Abraham does not hate.
- Farrah Abraham
Whether she's in jail, in a bar, or on the set of a porno, there is never a bad time for someone, often Fallon, to tell Fallon how beautiful she is.
"I'm sure you hear this all the time, but you're really pretty."
It's frustrating to see other people get gigs I'm more qualified for. I'm smart, although the tabloids wouldn't let you know it. To top it off -- I'm good-looking. Yes, I know it.
My boobs were simply too big for the dress, but I was determined to wear it.
Nerves fluttered in my belly, but I was committed to this act of desire.
"You're so fucking hot," he muttered.
And, like all serious works of literature, there are sixteen pictures of Farrah in various states of bedroom eyes scattered throughout the book like lice. There's also a stock image of some handcuffs and a shot of a male model with his hand down his manties.
What did we learn from In the Making? This: "Fame is a double-edged sword that thinks it's a curling iron."