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Amber Tries to Be Glamber In Teen Mom's Midseason Premiere

The moms we didn't have time to miss are back with new businesses and old drama.

This week's "season" "premiere" episode is neither of those things: it's yet another one of those divided-up A/B seasons that keeps MTV from having to renegotiate the cast members' contracts or pay them more. To add to the Linda Richman-ness of the situation, the episode is also entitled "A Fresh Start," even though it's mostly about these people continuing the same patterns they've been in for years, at least in terms of their emotional maturity. Farrah has yet another new business to open (a kids' clothing boutique named after Sofeeyah); Amber has gotten into the "selling clothes on the internet" game and is trying to fill the hole that Sophia "#girlboss" Amuroso left when she bankrupted Nasty Gal; and Catelynn and Tyler are almost ready to move into their new house, which -- mercifully -- doesn't have bright orange walls. Oh, and Maci and Taylor seem happy and their kids are cute. Enjoy being the Chelsea Houska of this franchise, dude.

Teen Mom-y Element Present?
Crying Once again, Amber asks if she can have Booboo an extra night; once again, Gary says no; once again, Amber nearly cries her fake eyelashes off. Back at home, Gary admits to Kristina that Amber's behavior at the reunion (with the whole attempting-to-punch-Farrah thing) really alarmed him because Leah is old enough to see it and understand what her mom did.
Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband
Tyler admits that he has been suffering from depression, but that he hasn't been taking care of himself because he's so busy taking care of Catelynn. He goes to his therapist -- Kathleen, the same bad therapist Cate goes to -- and tells his wife that he has been in a really bad place lately. She asks what she can do to help, but the obvious answer seems to be "look at each other while you're talking and don't put a mile between the two of you on the couch, because it's so clear you're in a rut."
Obligatory cute kid The Edwards/McKinney kids dress up for Halloween -- Bintlee is Thing One, Jayde is Lucy from Peanuts, and baby Maverick is Charlie Brown. Adorably, Jen and Larry go as Thing Five (not sure what that means, but whatever) and the Cat in the Hat, respectively, so that Bintlee doesn't feel left out. Despite lots of criticism about showing Nova half-naked and doing embarrassing things on TV, Cate and Tyler are fine with putting a potty-training scene on camera.
Crimes against the English language During an obvious infomercial for her online boutique (no, I am not linking to it), Amber explains that the name is Forever Haute, and that the word "haute" is "French, I believe." That might have been a good thing to Google before you bought the domain name, Ambie. Tyler's "working on himself" does not include working on his grammar: Tyler says that, when he's depressed, he does a lot of "dazing," and he's concerned about being "unauthentic" and "thinking negative." I can't wait to read that novel he's writing.
Style disasters As she scrapes out jack o'lantern guts and uses them to terrorize her toddler, Cate is wearing a pale-green "Nine months from now the only thing I'm expecting is to be more awesome" T-shirt, which is the same thing Farrah wore to do "sweat gardening" and scream at her neighbors last season.

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Contractual obligation? Gift bag swag?

Meanwhile, over at the Sophia Laurent store grand opening (it is never not funny to me how Farrah thought she was being classy by naming her kid after Sophia Loren but spelled it wrong), Farrah -- still blonde -- parades out a bunch of random children wearing silver sequined hot pants, tells them they're all going to cut the ribbon together, and then...cuts it by herself. There's a metaphor here, I just can't seem to find it.

"Shocking Reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet Forever Haute is already up and running (and apparently charges money for "free returns," which is French, I believe). Matt is redecorating their latest house with tons of music memorabilia, as the Being Matt special detailed.
Tertiary character as voice of reason Jen, Larry, Rahhn, and Mackenzie go out for breakfast, and Larry wolfs down his food while the others discuss Halloween. When Rahhn makes fun of his dad for chowing down, Larry says, "Y'all talk, I eat." On the same theme of grandparents choosing food over drama, Kim would rather inhale barbecue nachos than listen to Tyler and Catelynn's latest complaints, which is exactly how I would respond, too.

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Meanwhile, none of Farrah's employees Googled her before accepting jobs at Sophia Not-Loren, because this lady looks way too excited to put up with bullshit all day.

Shit talking Farrah and Debra attempt to talk to each other about how therapy is going, and sometimes I wonder if they're aliens from different planets each communicating in their own language because no matter what they say, nothing really changes or accurately reflects what’s going on. As long as Farrah flat-out loathes her mom, I don't really think this is going to get anywhere, but, hey, at least they've learned to monetize how fucked up they are.
Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping Maci's storyline this episode was "Will Ryan make it to Halloween?" and the answer was "yes." Riveting.
Meta moment When Rahhn finally shows up for trick-or-treating, not in a costume, Maci says, "You look like Ryan from Teen Mom!" I have officially been proven wrong, because Wayne and Annette, Amber and Matt's random neighbor friends from last season, have returned. Annette helps with the promo for Amber's store by asking why she decided to open it, and Amber admits that she needs to start thinking about her career plans beyond the show.
8 / 10
Final Score
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Thing One
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Things Two Through Five
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