Amber Has A Very Pouty Christmas On Teen Mom

Gary is Santa, and Matt's the Grinch.

Last week was Thanksgiving in Teen Mom-ville, which means this week is Christmas. More specifically, this week is about discussing, planning, and dressing up for Christmas, which explains why Amber is prancing around in a reindeer onesie. Then again, nothing explains why any adult human should be prancing around in a reindeer onesie. Especially one with an "online fashion boutique" that seems to be called Before Verhaute, which she spends six whole seconds working on at the beginning of the episode before announcing how exhausted she is. We're now up to every single OG cast member having some kind of fashion brand or store -- Taylor and Maci have their dumb pocket shirts, Farrah has that store that supposedly Sofeeyah runs, and Cate and Tyler just announced (in real time, not on the show) the launch of a kids' clothing line. Maybe they're all finally realizing that the supremely inferior Teen Mom won't be verhaute forever.

Teen Mom-y Element Present?
Crying Amber asks Leah whether they're making Christmas tree ornaments in school, and Leah says they are, but only one, and she already put hers on Gary's tree. The idea of not having her very own ornament moves Amber to big mascara tears as she forces her eight-year-old to parent her. Leah comes up with the thoughtful plan to switch the ornament between houses each year, but Amber would rather cry and ask, "What about Mommy?" She may be a "damn good mom," but she's a damn bad liar with an even worse tear face.
Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband
Farrah and Simon are still whatever the heck they are, but his chyron has been upgraded from "Farrah's friend" to "Farrah's ex." Farrah is in San Diego to look at houses, but she's mostly there to antagonize Simon. Despite her therapist telling her last year that she needs to cool it with the "I bought an engagement ring and expect you to propose and reimburse me" insanity, Farrah is not only doubling down...


...she is wearing it and sticking it in people's faces constantly. At this point, I think she'd be better off marrying Starburst.

Obligatory cute kid Bintlee hates doing the dishes, which, fair. Jayde is sort of learning how to talk, but hasn't quite figured out how to enunciate yet. Leah is lively and smart and gets to hug a giant Christmas tree. Sofeeyah is barely on camera.
Crimes against the English language Catelynn and Tyler go off on a romantic long weekend to Jackson Hole, which he keeps pronouncing "Jacksonhole." I believe Cate planned the weekend of snowmobiling and diving in the hot springs about as much as I believe The Bachelor hires Josh Groban to perform a private concert in a helicopter, but it's a nice break from watching them neglect their kid and Butch try to stick his face in the camera every five seconds. Farrah mentions that she doesn't want a home with an HOA because "they limit my creativity."
Style disasters Tyler can't pack for Jackson Hole without vamping for the camera...

MTV going through his closet and showing off some of the ugliest clothes he owns.

Also, this happened for some reason.


Please donate to my cornea replacement surgery fund.

"Shocking Reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet Matt "bought" Amber a Corvette, which we already know about thanks to the Being Matt special. And for all her bluster about allergies, Farrah still hasn't sold her house in Austin, nor does she appear to have moved to San Diego.
Tertiary character as voice of reason Rahhn takes Mackenzie to a special dinner on a riverboat and asks her to marry him. It is either an extremely awkward or extremely staged proposal, but there is genuine love for her under those weird dilated eyes of his. Unsurprisingly, Jen and Larry are over the moon, and they both tear up when Rahhn asks his dad to be his best man. It would have been an even better scene if Rahhn hadn't randomly combed his hair with a butter knife at one point and if Mackenzie didn't keep wearing scarves the size of a second character.
Shit talking As if it isn't boring enough to listen to Maci complain about the Edwards family's requests to spend Thanksgiving time with Bintlee, now we get to listen to the same thing about Christmas. Maci says that Jen and Larry are wonderful grandparents but that they need to address the fact that their son is "a piece of shit." Taylor chimes in that the rights of a parent are more important than the rights of grandparents.
Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping Cate and Tyler's segments aren't that exciting, but it is nice to see them somewhere other than the couch for a change. Amber's scenes are so depressing and full of Matt trying to backseat drive from across the street that you, like Jeff, should just snooze through them.
Meta moment Jaala says that it has been a while since she got a cuddle from Jayde. One of the producers lamely asks Rahhn what he plans to get Mackenzie for Christmas, then freaks out (at the potential footage, no doubt) when he mentions his plan to propose.
9 / 10
Final Score
Going to Jacksonhole
Being a jackhole
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