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Kailyn Faces The Music (And Vee) In Part 1 Of The Teen Mom 2 Reunion

Meanwhile, Chelsea gets a pass from Dr. Ew.

Here is how Teen Mom 2 reunions work: girls are paired off in a nice virgin-whore dichotomy where one gets a favorable edit and the other doesn't, and Dr. Drew (or, as I prefer, Dr. Ew) invariably takes all the credit for things that happened even though he doesn't bother to watch any of the episodes. That has not changed at all this year, even though we just watched a season finale that was all about taping this exact reunion, meaning the timelines are hinky and the drama is mostly anticlimactic.

Kailyn And Leah

As we already knew from the previous episode, Kail and Leah were the only two girls left standing when it came time to film the intro clips, thus destroying the fantasy that this show happens in order. As we also don't learn from this episode but knew from real life, Leah is the only one of the four who managed not to get pregnant again. (Yet.) Ew mentions that Leah is going to college and asks Kail, who is on year 7 of her four-year BA program, if she has advice. Kail's wisdom? "Go to class." Wow, someone get her a gig as a motivational speaker.

Kailyn And Javi

There was more tension in the scenes from the previous episode than there is here, as everyone tends to be on their best behavior (and in major damage control mode) for reunions. Kail and Javi have a mini-therapy session that doesn't really resolve anything, and for the first time ever Javi mentions that he was stationed in Qatar instead of just "overseas." Was the Air Force okay with that? Are they also okay with him making an ass of himself on TV every week? I'd kill for a segment with Javi's commanding officer.

Kailyn, Javi, Joe, And Vee

Vee says that even though Jo "basically" has 50-50 custody of Isaac, she'd like for that to be official, and Kail says that Vee isn't allowed to weigh in. "That's how it always is -- I don't get to say anything, but everyone else does," says Vee, who is winning my heart right now. She adds: "I moved my whole life to Delaware and you're getting a divorce."

Another reunion rule: the body language on the couch never lies. Jo and Vee are close and intimate, with each saying "we" to talk about their feelings; Kail is frozen in place and looks grossed out when Javi tries to comfort her. Kail says she's going to walk off the set and be fine, but we already watched her and Vee discuss the fallout of this exact scene in the finale episode an hour ago, so we know that's not true. (Who edits this thing? My brain hurts.) I'm also surprised by how casually everyone is accepting Jo's assertion that Kail never loved Javi. That's brutal.

Dr. Ew asks if the four of them have ever hung out, and Jo says "no, but we've done threesomes," and Kail's horrified reaction face is priceless. He means that he, Kail, and Vee have hung as a group, but not all four of them together. Jo asks Kail when she's making her cheese dip again, and Javi swoops in to say that it's his recipe, and there's some cute banter about who came up with it first.

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Chelsea

Chelsea got married and pregnant, although not in that order! Since Chelsea didn't film her wedding, she gives a couple of details: there were only immediate relatives (parents, siblings, Aubs) in attendance, and she adds that being married doesn't feel different, which I always take as a nice sign of a well-adjusted relationship. Chelsea says that her mom is totally different on camera, and it's the only time Mary ever brings up Adam.

Speaking of Adam, his absence is the thing that makes Chelsea's roses-and-sunshine segment worth watching. If you try to mess with Dr. Ew's paycheck, he will come after you, and it's glorious. Here is the transcript of a text Adam sent the producers about not attending the reunion, without the MTV bleeping and with punctuation:

"Are you fucking stupid or something, Larry? Fuck this show, fuck MTV, fuck Dr. Drew. I don't want any goddamn part of the show. Keep the fucking money. I have a stalker harassing me and my family and they happen to have info only you motherfuckers would know. Don't have anyone text me anymore. Go ahead and give that to Radar Online!"


Since Adam refused to show up, MTV made a montage of times he complained about the show. Drew is fucking GLEEFUL to present it. It's fun to watch how much balder Adam has gotten over the years. And that's a wrap on Part 1, y'all.

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