Jenelle Has Neither Hustle Nor Flow on Teen Mom 2
Plus: Kailyn tells us for the seventh time this season that she doesn't want to film, and everybody is pretty sick of her bullsnot.
The title of this week's episode is "I Don't Wanna Talk About It," which has several potential meanings: Kail doesn't want to talk about Javi's having moved on to someone else; Jenelle doesn't want to talk about her kid going to school on weekdays, preventing him from being her living prop. But there's more: let's break it down.
|Teen Mom 2-y Element||Present?|
|Crying||Although Kail and Javi claim they've agreed to be civil and not fight in front of the kids, they each express their feelings dramatically different ways -- Kail, by shutting down emotionally, talking like a robot, and refusing to film...
...Javi by moping to his friends and family and rocking a cryface that would make Dawson Leery proud.
|Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband||Jeremy is returning from his job in South Dakota -- where, in the best bit of potential gossip to come out of this show, he may or may not have hooked up with Chelsea's producer Mandi -- and is ready to hang out with his kid again. However, he keeps changing the time he and Leah are supposed to meet up, causing a fight via text that is still way more civil than the conversation they had a few weeks ago about his drive to Ohio. Progress? Or just fewer fucks left to give?|
|Obligatory cute kid||Kail goes on a trip to Hawaii while the boys are with their dads, and when she picks Lincoln up, she announces that she is his best friend. It is Aubree's seventh birthday, so she gets an archery set, flowers, and (her favorite) carrot cake. Cole takes a break from building a crib with his bare hands to be the world's best stepdad. By the way, "Happy Birthday" is in the public domain now.|
|Crimes against the English language||Nathan and his stupid friend realize that if they don't want to keep being filmed on the couch, they need to do something other than sit on the couch, so they head to a restaurant. (Alternate theory: the couches were Jessica's, and she has since kicked Nathan out.) They talk some more about Jenelle's pregnancy and controlling relationship with Creepy Dave, and Nathan says that "she has been shown a lack of love." I don't think you can show someone a thing that doesn't exist, but maybe Barb's love is coated with invisible ink and needs to be looked at under a black light? Meanwhile, Leah -- who is trying not to swear on TV -- says that she is tired of Jeremy's "bullsnot."|
Jace gives Meme a pair of red wax lips, which she wears.
She also kisses him with the wax lips, and he just laughs and smiles more in this short scene than he has all season.
Kail, who keeps refusing to film or talk about why she doesn't want to film and who once berated Jo for having the nerve to wear sweatpants in the privacy of his own home...
...hides her face and her emotions behind a baggy "Do Good Stuff" sweatshirt, sweatpants, and a black cap that does her no favors in the "Rhythm Nation comparisons department."
|"Shocking Reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet||Jenelle and Creepy Dave go out for pizza while she reads from her phone the news about Nathan being arrested for assaulting Jessica, his now ex-girlfriend. Both Jenelle and Dave have multiple arrests for violent behavior in their own pasts, but that doesn't seem to prevent them from gloating or from talking shit about Nathan. Jenelle says that Nathan once did the same thing to her and that "so much things" are running through her head. Uncle Dave fauxly expresses concern for Kaiser, even though the kid is sitting just inches away, screaming his head off because the pizza's too hot and no one is paying attention to him.|
|Tertiary character as voice of reason||Javi takes Lincoln on a Marroquin family beach vacation, which his awesome (and rarely-seen) brother Salvador uses as an opportunity to sit Javi down for some Real Talk. Salvador gets real by saying "we" could all see it coming (the split? Kail’s alleged cheating?) but that no one had the nerve to say anything until now. Javi's genuine tears almost have me until he utters the sentence "I created an empire and now it's gone." A house in Delaware and an SUV do not an empire make, bro.
Over in North Carolina, Barb is once again providing tons of evidence for a future court case that she is the only person who gives a shit about Jace. It's Jenelle's weekend with Jace, but Jenelle has to go to New York "for work." She asks if she can bring him, but the trip would involve his missing school, so Barb's not into it. Jenelle also doesn't seem to know how airports work, because she thinks a 12:45 flight is "at 1:00" and that Jace would only miss three hours of school that day. According to Jenelle, who is rarely funnier than when she is trying to sound smart, "I have a man from the United Kingdom meeting in New York City about a product that he has that he wants me to endorse with him and I cannot schedule around his schedule if he's from another fucking country!" Can Jenelle even find the United Kingdom on a map? Just FYI that they call schedules "diaries" there and, yes, you can work around them.
|Meta Moment||Salvador's rant is fueled by the fact that he hates what he is reading on the internet. Dude, wait until you see your own brother's snapchat.|
|Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping||Kail says that she came to some important realizations about her life while on the un-filmed trip to Hawaii, but she doesn't care to divulge what any of them may be. Or do anything besides talk in an angry monotone, share every moment of her life on social media, and whine about not wanting to film. How's that career in TV hosting going?|
|Misogyny||To the surprise of absolutely no one (probably including Aubree), Adam did not call, visit, or send a gift for his older daughter's birthday. JC and Javi gang up a little to complain about Kail being difficult, but that's not sexism so much as JC just trying to get something interesting for the show.|
|9 / 10
Feeding your kid her favorite cake
Feeding your kid scalding hot pizza