Jenelle And Barb Go For Round 1,178 On Teen Mom 2
Not pictured: Dave, who is offstage blowing up his girlfriend's phone. And probably also a bank.
Last week's half of the reunion featured Kail and Chelsea in the lukewarm seats, which means this week Leah and Jenelle are on deck to be asked softball questions by Dr. Drew, who clearly does not watch the show beyond the clips the production team prepares for him ahead of time. Here are some things we learned: Corey's man cave might be in an actual cave, Nathan owns literally one shirt, Leah's minidress and spray tan make her an excellent candidate for Miss Sweet Potato Queen, and kids enjoy being kids. Here are some things we did not learn: why Jenelle thinks Jace's real name is "my son," exactly where Creepy Dave was the whole time, and who taught the cast members how to pronounce "osteoporosis" correctly.
This is the part every year where I say to myself, "I wonder if they'll get Judge Judy to host this thing." Coincidentally, it is also the part every year where I am disappointed to see Dr. Drew's shiny blank face.
Jenelle and Nathan
Jenelle, a woman who once stalked her ex and demanded he take their baby because she'd had him for two entire weeks and needed a break, is now claiming that Nathan is an unfit parent. I feel like every season she picks a message and then just beats it into oblivion, and this year she clung like a barnacle onto the "Nathan doesn't have enough toys for Kaiser" thing and wouldn't let go. The only interesting part is when Nathan accuses Jenelle of texting him and his friend naked photos, which results in not just an argument but in Dave refusing to come onstage and instead just angrily texting Jenelle from ten feet away.
Jenelle and Barb
Drew introduces Barb as a "fan favorite," which does not help to make Jenelle any less angry. Having already watched the epilogue to this segment two episodes ago, my head is starting to hurt from the confusing narrative. It's also hurting from listening to Barb and Jenelle's voices get louder and screechier as they yell-cry over each other. Jenelle sobs that Barb interrupts her too much and only wants to talk on camera; Barb responds by saying that Jenelle refuses to speak or interact unless it's on TV. I am so sick of Jenelle acting like Barb can hand Jace over any time she feels like it, as if he's a book she borrowed or something (lol, like anybody on this show reads for pleasure) and that Barb is taking her to court just for the fuck of it. Despite Drew begging for Dave to come out onstage, Mister Future Criminal Minds Unsub would rather text Jenelle and glare creepily from the wings. Way to make Adam look cooperative and easygoing, bro.
There's also a nonsensical bit about Jenelle saying Barb should lose custody because she has osteoporosis, which makes me think those Got Milk? ads should make a comeback and hire Barb, if only to watch Jenelle's head explode in fury. There are some decent points buried in here, but it's fucking exhausting to watch these two go at it for the billionth time and Drew is an awful mediator. I considered a drinking game where I took a shot every time Jenelle said "I want my son back" but chickened out or else I'd be typing this from beyond the grave by now.
Leah's segment doesn't even begin until the 45-minute mark, because Jenelle has sucked up all the available oxygen on the set. Here are some boring updates: the girlses are great and love school! Baby Remi is great too! Miranda is also great! Jeremy is less great! Corey hasn't shaved his beard in a year! That flood in West Virginia was, like, really bad!
Since last week, Drew has been teasing some kind of "big surprise" for the cast. The reveal is that Teen Mom 2 hit its 100th episode this season, so out comes a big pink cake in the shape of a number 100 and a bunch of streamers. You know that Jenelle was totally hoping for an Oprah-style "and you get a car." Personally, I was hoping for Briana DeJesus to jump out of the cake while announcing she's joining the cast next season to fuck things up. See you in Season 7C!