Chelsea And Cole Get Married In Nebraska Instead Of On Teen Mom 2

...but over in Delaware, Kail and Javi are fighting their own personal war of the roses.

This week's episode title, "Cherries And Flowers," sounds like it should be a romance novel or a drugstore perfume. But no, it's a phrase uttered by Javi, whose torturous divorce from Kail has eaten up most of the camera time in the last few episodes of the season. That's fine with Javi, who would love to get bumped from supporting cast to lead, and less so with Kailyn "I Refuse To Film Today" Lowry. As the first half of the finale, expect many major storylines to either get resolved (Cole and Chelsea get married instead of just talking about how exciting it's going to be when they get married; Leah comes up with something to fill airtime besides being mad at Jeremy) or come to a dramatic ready-to-discuss-on-the-reunion head (Nathan's issues; Kavi and Jail's breakup to end all breakups). And, of course, there will be plenty of raccoon eye makeup and mangling of grammar to go along with all of it, or this wouldn't be Teen Mom 2.

Teen Mom 2-y Element Present?
Crying Barb's tears from last week were more than enough, and this week we briefly see her being cute with Jace as Jenelle voiceovers that their hearing got delayed yet again, this time because of the hurricane that hit North Carolina. You say hurricane, I say divine intervention. If MTV could create a weather event to suit their plot, they would.
Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband Have you heard that Kail and Javi are divorcing? I know, right? Last week, Javi showed up at the house unannounced and broke in, resulting in a huge argument and more off-screen tears from poor Isaac. Now, Kail's trying to get Jo to be the bad guy by telling him how upset Isaac is and knowing that Jo will do anything to protect his kid, even if it means "severancing the relationship" (quoth Farrah) between Isaac and Javi. Although Vee completely sees through this plan, Jo falls for it and Javi is furious that his soon-to-be-ex-stepson won't be part of his life anymore. He goes to the house to try to reason with Kail, who shuts it down, demands apologies despite refusing to give one, snaps nonstop at Javi (including telling him not to pet that cute little Frenchie, which is particularly cruel), and tells him to leave. Javi does leave, but JC the producer convinces him to go back in and get some footage for the big finale try to be a good coparent. The most hilarious part? A clearly pregnant Kail insisting that she has nothing to hide, even though I think her loose-fitting top would disagree.
Obligatory cute kid It is Kaiser's first day of preschool. Dave asks if he's going to make new friends, and Kai emphatically shakes his head "no." I kind of feel like he and Addie should hang.
Crimes against the English language In a very weird segment, Nathan texts Dave (because Jenelle isn't allowed to communicate with anyone without going through her gross boyfriend, which isn't creepy in any way) that he is going to give up custody of Kaiser and move to England. Both Jenelle and Dave, who are wearing their special Smart Person glasses, do a good job pretending to be concerned about Nathan's mental health and PTSD. Nathan texts a sad and cringeworthy "treat him like you're [sic] own"...

MTV

MTV

...but the fact that Dave's phone font is Comic Sans is truly unforgivable. (Also, note Dave's giant thumbs next to the tiny screen.)

Jenelle announces that Kaiser is going to "toddler preschool" (as opposed to Adult Preschool, which could be beneficial for Jenelle since she might learn how to share, color inside the lines, and wait her turn).

Style disasters Chelsea's frosty pink lipstick is so light that it makes her look like she doesn't have lips. And Cole's outfit looks like something Guile from Street Fighter would consider formalwear.

MTV

MTV

Cousin Chasity is back...

MTV

MTV

...and she brought a very unfortunate pair of leggings with her.

Jenelle's baby bump means she has quit baring her midriff for the time being, and is wearing a shoulderless top instead.

MTV

MTV

If it is cold enough that you need a sweater, then aren't your shoulders freezing? That garment makes no sense to me.

"Shocking Reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet Chelsea and Cole opted to have their wedding in the family cabin in Nebraska -- the same one we saw during the bachelorette weekend. As a trade-off, MTV does the same thing here that they did for the proposal, stitching a bunch of cute photos together in a montage in lieu of actual footage. Also unsurprising: Chelsea wore a flower crown and fake eyelashes.
Tertiary character as voice of reason Vivi is adorable, has little gold earrings, and gives brilliant side-eye to Kail. She cannot learn to talk quickly enough.
Meta Moment After last week's decision to remain a beauty school dropout, Leah has decided to enroll in college instead. That, of course, requires her to make a school-inspired tablescape (complete with an SAT prep book) in her already-crowded house.

MTV

MTV

Just like every other college freshman in America, Leah gets a tour from a student who is required to ask her questions about balancing schoolwork and motherhood; a one-on-one meeting with the head of West Virginia State's admissions director; and a personal phone call letting her know she has been accepted -- or, as Leah would write, excepted. I hope the publicity for your university was worth admitting on TV that you accept incoming communications majors who don't know the difference between "good" and "well," WVSU. It should work out goodly.

Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping Since the wedding footage was off-limits, the closest thing we get is a segment dedicated to Cole and Chelsea picking up their marriage license. That marks no fewer than three scenes this season where we've seen them walk out of a building holding an envelope. How long before the role of Chelsea starts being played by a Pretty Little Liars castoff in a bad red wig who will be equally boring for half the paycheck?
Misogyny Dave now handles kid dropoff/pickups, speaks on Jenelle's behalf, and wants to legally adopt Kaiser, so his total control of her life is nearly complete. Javi's rage at Kail is both extremely personal -- she did him dirty while he was deployed, and instead of owning up to it, she keeps being cold and rude to him -- and deeply rooted in ideas about gender roles and sexuality. Can we please retire the sexist as fuck phrase "opened your legs" forever?
9 / 10
Final Score
90%
Going to college
10%
Going to toddler preschool
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