Screen: Universal

That's A Lot Of Murdered Monkeys For A Show Called Tales Of The Gold Monkey

Plus Nazi Higgins! One-Eyed Dogs! Cobras! More!

  • Previously

    Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and Harrison Ford made a movie called Raiders Of The Lost Ark. Everyone liked it so much that the networks asked an important question: "How can we do the same thing on television for 1/1000th the budget?" And so the pilot for Tales of the Gold Monkey was born.

  • Mutual of PTV's Animal Kingdom
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Deep in the South Pacific in the year 1938, there lives a group of extremely realistic-looking monkeys. They love eating fruit in solitude, but today they are not alone.

    Each time you see a monkey, this music will play.

  • Character Study
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Nazis. I Hate These Guys.

    Nazis are very, very bad guys. They don't let monkeys eat their fruit. In fact, they shoot the fruit right out of the monkeys' hands! Why? Because, you dummkopf, that's why!

    Names Kurt and Hanus
    Ages Late 20s, late 30s.
    Occupations Soliders.
    Goals Find the titular Gold Monkey.
    Sample Dialogue "I will teach them fear!"
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Hey look! It's baby-faced William Forsythe, and Hanus is Norbert Weisser, the Franch taster from Breaking Bad!

  • Fight! Fight! Fight!
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Nazis vs. Monkeys

    It's the fight to the death you always dreamed of but dared not wish for, because after you witness Nazis fighting a group of monkeys, there is no higher high.

    2013-08-30-tales-of-the-gold-monkey-05

    "Mein leben!"

    2013-08-30-tales-of-the-gold-monkey-06

    "Mein leben also!"

    2013-08-30-tales-of-the-gold-monkey-07

    "Good job, fellow believable monkeys."

    Winner: Monkeys.

  • Very Useful Stats
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Dead Monkey Count:

    One.

  • Character Study
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    I'm Nothing Like Indiana Jones. Trust Me.

    Meet our hero: bush pilot and lover of earth tones and cigarillos.

    Name Jake Cutter (Stephen Collins).
    Age Mid-thirties.
    Occupation Bush pilot based in Boragora, a port in the Marivella Islands.
    Goal Fly around in his plane, Cutter's Goose, make some money, and have some adventures.
    Sample Dialogue "I guess this is a fight."
  • Playing Games

    The Eye Piece To The Stuff of Ruff

    What's the game? Poker.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Who's playing? Jake; a Nazi Gestapo officer (John Hillerman) going undercover as Nazi Naval Officer (yes); and Black Man (Johnny Sekka), a sharp dresser.

    Come again? Which part?

    The last two bits, I guess: Nazi Higgins and Black Man. Oh, and the Nazi's name is Monocle.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Seriously?

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Seriously.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    What's at stake? Jake bets an opal-and-sapphire artificial eye belonging to his dog, Jack.

    Who wins? Not Jake, and definitely not Jack, who now has to walk around the gross steamy jungle with a hole in his head just begging for an infection.

  • Alert!
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Not A Very Private Place For A Murder

    Alert Type: PETA Alert.

    Issue: Some guy named Sam (Ken Smolka) is going at it with Jack and is about to club him with a crowbar.

    Mitigating Circumstances: Jack attacked Sam, but only after Sam put some drunken moves on a lady on the dock, saying he wanted "a little nice-nice, it's not gonna hurt." That's the '30s version of "just the tip" along with "I want to list the first 11 of the 58 member states of the failed League of Nations with you."

    Resolution: Jake steps in, has a fight.

    Spoiler: Sam's an American spy. Monocle stabs him soon afterward. R.I.P. Sam.

  • Character Study
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    I'm Your Goddamn Partner!

    Every by-the-book adventure needs a damsel-in-distress but is there more to her than it seems? Yes. Does it really matter that much? No.

    Name Sarah Stickney White (Caitlin O'Heaney).
    Age Late twenties.
    Occupation Blue blood. (OR IS SHE?!) (She's not.)
    Character Math Lady Edith from Downton Abbey + All available peach-coloured clothing + terrible English accent.
    Sample Dialogue "Thanks one heck of a lot!"
    "This two-bit island!"
  • And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Pom Peron Champagne

    It's pelicious.

  • Place Of Interest
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Meanwhile, In A Place That Looks Japan...

    A German officer (John Calvin) is late meeting his Japanese counterpart. When the Japanese warrior complains that he is late, the German blames the Japanese captain of the boat that brought him here. So they chop off his head because he's, like, super-Japanese.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

  • Hell No!
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    ...But Might Not Be Japan Because This Is Princess Kogi?!

    Like rice on white.

  • Meeting Time
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    The Meeting Of The Axis Of Moderately Evil Ne'er-Do-Wells Is Called

    Who called the meeting? Ze German.

    What's it about? Buckle in. Der Führer has hear tell of the legendary Gold Monkey which survived intact inside a volcano. You see, the Germans want to build super-rockets to explode the world, but the super-rocket fuel melts steel. Gold super-rocket domination is only one Gold Monkey idol away! Ze German asks Princess Kogi (Marta Dubois) for help locating the idol in exchange for five times its worth in gold.

    How'd it go? Pretty good in the end: ze German secured Princess Kogi's help. Also, Princess Kogi was naked in a hot tub the whole time.

    Any snakes or feats of dexterity involved? You are in luck! During this whole meeting -- just three feet away -- there's a warrior in training trying to snatch a red ribbon off that ol' yellow cobra. He dances around the snake for a good three minutes. Then something happens.

    Something good? This is awkward.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

  • Dialogue

    Ha Ha Ha Haaaa...Son Of A Bitch.

    Now, you know of the legend?
    I know that somewhere in the Marivellas there's supposed to be a gold idol as big as a house, guarded by giant monkeys. There's also supposed to be a Zulu tribe with the treasure of King Solomon's mines, and the lost Ark of the Covenant....
    Photo: Paramount

    Photo: Paramount

  • Hell Yeah!
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Impromptu Mid-Air Wet T-Shirt Contest

    Yeah, you get rid of heavy cargo so you don't crash when one engine fails, you minx!

  • Character Study
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Corky St. Air

    This is the guy who keeps Jake's bucket of bolts flying. He also talks to the dog way too much. He might be simple. You may remember him as Thomas's navy buddy from Magnum P.I.

    Name Corky.
    Age Mid-thirties.
    Occupation Airplane mechanic; drunk.
    Goal Beer.
    Sample Dialogue "Can I go get a beer now?"
  • Original Documents
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Day 544

    Dear Diary,

    I've been here on Boragora for almost two years and people still call me "Timothy Dalton." I'd wish they'd stop. It's not funny anymore.

  • Character Study
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Frencher Than A Trois-Dollar Bill

    Island bar and hotel owner and all-around Super French Guy.

    Name Bon Chance Louie.
    Nation of Origin France.
    Age Late fifties.
    Favourite Food French.
    Occupation Island Hotel and Bar Empire Builder.
    Goal Kissing ladies on the hand.
    Preferred Fry French.
    Sample Dialog "Uhn huh huh huh!"
  • Alert!
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    None The Budweiser

    Alert Type: PETA Alert.

    Issue: Giving a dog a beer to drink.

    Resolution: Bon Chance Louie replaced by Bon Chance Louie next week.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

  • Fashion Show
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Get The Look: Tropical Preacher Spy

    God often works in mysterious ways. Not this time, though. God went down to the M*A*S*H wardrobe dept and snagged Father Mulcahy's stuff for Ze German to wear around Boragora as he gathers intel on the Gold Monkey's location.

    New Testament White Fedora: Light and airy is perfect for saving God's island children.

    Old Testament Round Glasses: Remind them that you are German!

  • Passages
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    R.I.P. The Spy Partner Sarah Didn't Know Was Dead Until She Assembled Her Spy Radio And By The Way Sarah Is A Spy For The Americans

    At least that explains the terrible English accent.

  • Travel
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Everyone Is Going to Baku!

    So we learn that the Gold Monkey is on Baku. Two groups are going: The Good Guys (plus Monocle, who lies his way on the plane) are going in Cutter's Goose, and The Axis Of Moderately Evil Ne'er-Do-Wells are going by ship.

    Baku FAQ

    Q: Whenever someone in the island bar mentiones Baku, the parrot squawks "uh oh!" Why is that?
    A: That's a great question. Baku is active volcano island that erupts once a year.

    Q: When is it due to erupt next?
    A: That's a great question. Baku is due to erupt any minute now!

    Q: If Baku is an active volcano that's been erupting every year for as long as people have known, how come there's such a pronounced peak on it?
    A: That's a great question. Shut up, that's why. Dummkopf.

  • Fashion Show
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Get The Look: The Axis Of Moderately Evil Ne'er-Do-Wells's International Boat Of Co-operation Ensemble

    Samurai Warrior: Whatever hat size you think you are; triple it. Don't be shy with colour, either.

    Royal Rice Sack Of Plenty: It's the dress that says you are the staple that drives your society but the black strap hints at the contained riches within. You are the provider and the ruler. Don't let them forget it.

    Happy-Go Nazi: Just because you're working for a power-hungry monster doesn't mean you can't be comfortable while you do it. High socks protect you from tropic gnats, while those short shorts entice the ladies with the question that's on their mind day after day after day: "Will today be the day his testicles fall out?"

  • Very Useful Stats

    Dead Monkey Count:

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Two.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Three.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Four.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Five.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Six.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Seven.

  • I Am Not A Crackpot
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Dear Mister President, There Are Too Many People In The Cockpit Having A Loud Conversation About How One Of Them Is An American Spy And How They Know The Nazi Disguised As A Nazi Is A Nazi. Please Eliminate Two. I Am Not A Crackpot.

    At least close the cockpit door. Sheeesh.

  • That Quote
    "Willie, you are as cuckoo as Adolf!"
    Princess Kogi really putting Hitler in his place
  • Alert!
    Screens: Universal

    Screens: Universal

    Monocle Cold-Cocks Jack The Dog

    Alert Type: PETA Alert.

    Issue: A Nazi named Monocle just pistol-whipped a small dog.

    Mitigating Circumstances: Nazis never learned to love.

    Resolution: None. Jack recovers but doesn't exact personal revenge.

  • Enhance!

    That Don't Look Like No Golden Marmoset I Ever Seen

    As the island volcano erupts right on dramatic schedule, Monocle finds the Gold Monkey.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Enhance!
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Enhance!
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Enhance!

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Enhance!

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Enhance!

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Say whaaaaaat?

  • Very Useful Stats
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Dead Monkey Count:

    Eight.

  • Wrap It Up
    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Monocle loses a fight to Jake!

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Jake and Sarah make out in the traditional tropical manner of checking each other's fontanelles.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    Sarah and Jake escape the island's brutal special effects.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    The Axis Of Moderately Evil Ne'er-Do-Wells escape to live another day and continue their uneasy alliance.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    The island blows up! The mountain will grow back in time for next year's big show.

    Screen: Universal

    Screen: Universal

    OMG, THERE WAS A GOLD MONKEY AFTER ALL AND IT'S HUGE AND IT'S POINTING TO THE BLEACHERS AND IT'S GOING TO HIT A HOME RUN!

David T. Cole takes back one cadam to honour the Hebrew God whose article this is.
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