Monty Brinton / CBS

Survivor Throws A Sausage Fest

Jeff Probst brings the double entendres to a unique new spin on a reward challenge as the Survivors continue adjusting to their new tribes.

Bayon What Jeremy Is Selling

As Angkor trudges back to camp, Varner is incredulous that (a) he's still there and (b) he didn't get any votes. Next on his agenda: make sure it stays that way. He immediately goes into ass-kissing overdrive, turning to each of his tribemates in turn and imploring them, "Tell me what I need to do to prove myself to you."

Tasha's not buying it. She already regrets not voting out Varner when she had the chance. Turning to her former Survivor: Cagayan castmate, Woo, she assures him that he is definitely not the next person on the chopping block. This, in turn, makes Abi uncomfortable, because obviously, since Woo has voted for her twice, it means he hates her guts. (A faulty assumption, given that Woo is not exactly known for his passionately held opinions.) Tasha speaks to Abi in soothing tones, and it seems to mollify her, but Abi is having a hard time not taking Woo's votes personally.

Over on Bayon, Jeremy quietly celebrates his immunity idol. Separately, designated tribe buffoon Stephen asks Jeremy whether he's found the idol yet; Jeremy says no and sends him off on a glorified snipe hunt, but in confessionals, he entertains the idea of teaming up with Stephen and going deep in the game.

I Never Sausage A Thing

When Angkor was selected and set adrift, not only did they not get any rice or supplies, they evidently got moved onto the worst, most desolate beach in Cambodia. Nobody's eaten in four days, and after hours of fishing, Savage has caught nothing but one tiny snail. When everyone's confessionals are as rambling and spacey as Woo's, you know Survivor has a bit of a starvation problem on its hands. I mean, there's the entertaining, schadenfreude kind of starvation, and there's the "everyone too weak to move and slurring their words" kind of starvation, and we're approaching the wrong side of the line pretty quickly.

Fortunately, it's finally time to start working reward challenges back into the game, which is a fairly transparent attempt to try to get some food into these poor people. Two of the three tribes will win some barbecue supplies; the winner gets a grill, veggies, and sausages, while second place gets what appears to be a wok with a single green pepper in it. Third place is you're fired.

The challenge itself involves retrieving beanbags and then catapulting them onto a net with a giant teeter-totter. There's a new twist, though: only one person from each tribe will compete. Inexplicably, Ta Keo passes over transcendent challenge beast Joe in favor of Terry, and Angkor benches Woo in favor of Savage. To round out the trio of dadbods, Jeremy competes for Bayon.

Running back and forth into waist-deep water proves grueling for all three contestants, and they're visibly exhausted barely five minutes into the challenge. Jeff Probst injects some levity into the proceedings by tossing out a couple of his trademark inappropriate out-of-context soundbites, the best of which is "Dietz: big and long!"

But in actuality, it's Jeff Probst's other man-crush, Savage, whose effort is the biggest and longest, and so Angkor is the winner of the sausage feast. Savage admits that he always wondered if he had truly pulled his weight during his first season of Survivor, so to have scored a big reward for his tribe is incredibly vindicating.

She's Crafty, And She's Just My Type

So we've seen a lot of Angkor, and a little bit of Bayon; I bet you're wondering what's going on over on Ta Keo. Wonder no more: we are now treated to approximately fifteen minutes of footage in which everyone on Ta Keo sleeps. Kass finally stirs. Over a confessional in which she states her intention to play a less scheme-y, more Dale Carnegie-inspired game this time around, she begins to gather beads and other little pieces of flotsam from knapsacks, treemail, and elsewhere, and commences an arts and crafts project of some sort.

Kelley Wentworth observes that she doesn't trust Kass, and her instincts initially appear to be proven correct when she observes Kass making what appears to be a fake immunity idol and Kass shoos her away. But she immediately feels like a dick when Kass then presents the fruits of her labor to Wentworth as a birthday gift, christening it a "good luck charm."

On Bayon, Spencer reproduces, beat for beat, the exact same confessional Wentworth did for Ta Keo last week about being in the minority and needing to throw a former tribemate under the bus -- in his case, Wiglesworth, although Monica’s not totally sold on the idea; in her view, the women should consider sticking together.

Blind Acceptance

Immunity this week is a classic Survivor has had in the rotation for a good decade or so: the old blindfolded hunt for giant Tetris-esque puzzle pieces. It's basically the same as it always is -- lots of people tripping over puzzle pieces, lots of people smacking themselves in the crotch, lots of yelling -- with the added bonus that the Survivors who are the designated callers for this challenge turn out to be especially terrible at maintaining order. Kass (representing Ta Keo) and Varner (representing Angkor) can't make themselves heard over Kimmi, arguably the loudest person ever to have competed on Survivor. Eventually, there's a lot of Survivors standing around awaiting instructions, which always makes for riveting television. Even a montage of Survivors hurting themselves doesn't really make things entertaining.

Eventually, Joe stops waiting to be told where to go and just starts running out onto the course, possibly using sonar to detect and retrieve the puzzle pieces on his own.

At a certain point, Angkor just gives up entirely and collectively takes a nap. They're Tribal Council-bound again, and it's not even close.

Angkor What?

Varner and Woo are immediately on the outs at Angkor, and it looks like the decision will be down to Abi-Maria. In what is swiftly becoming the most predictable soundbite of any given episode this season, Tasha observes that Abi-Maria is extremely unpredictable, so it really could go either way. Varner hopes that his having saved her in the past will put him in her good graces now.

Indeed, at first it looks like Abi can't get over the fact that Woo has voted for her twice before, though Woo does his best to make a case, and Tasha backs him up, noting that Woo's much better in challenges, especially since Varner's hobbling around on a puzzle-piece-instigated broken toe.

Tribal Council is more of the same, interrupted briefly as a gigantic insect dive-bombs the group. Probst invites Woo and Varner to make one final bid to stay in the game. Varner argues that unlike Woo, he's proven his loyalty to the larger group. Woo makes his usual gormless Woo face as Tasha makes his argument for him: he's an asset in challenges and he'll BE loyal going forward. Abi pretends to be confused, even snarking at Woo as he gets up to vote: "Make sure you don't write Abi."

He doesn't. Everyone votes for Varner, who's apparently had his last-name status revoked in the 11th hour and is suddenly being called "Jeff" again. (Tasha votes "Jeff" and is careful to note that she doesn't mean Probst.) He's devastated. Giving his former BFF Abi a tender smooch goodbye, he affectionately whispers, "You little bitch."

Verdict

You've seen these Survivors before. You've seen these challenges before. You've seen these scrambles before. Admittedly, you've never seen Jeff Probst be quite this blatant with his double entendres before -- at least, not outside of a challenge involving balls -- but that's hardly a reason to glue yourself to the DVR. And without Varner around to bring the snark, Survivor might be bringing us a lot more skip-worthy footage in the weeks to come.

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