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Ask Supergirl's Evil Mystery Scientist

The Cadmus boss shares a surprising range of knowledge, from alien weaponry to underground video production to…parenting?

Q Dear Evil Mystery Scientist,
My crew and I are an up-and-coming criminal organization in a major American city that exists -- or we were, until this super-powered do-gooder showed up on this planet and starting tying everyone's gun barrels in knots. How is a little mom-and-pop, Earth-based operation like mine supposed to keep up?

On My Last Nerve In National City

A Dear Nerve,
Sounds like your problem is that you're bringing humans to an alien-fight. Fortunately, I can put you in touch with people who can help you get your hands on some extraterrestrial tech. With that kind of arsenal, you can do some serious damage. Not just to so-called superheroes who get in your way, but to public opinion about aliens. That second thing is more about me, I admit. I'm just glad you wrote in so I don't have to come meet you under some seedy railroad bridge or something.
Dear Evil Mystery Scientist,
Last year I discovered that my father, presumed dead for years, is actually alive! I was really excited about this at first and vowed that I wouldn't rest until I found him. My foster sister and my boss, whose life my father saved years ago (long story) were completely with me on this. But between one thing and another, we haven't really followed up on it. You know how people get caught up in their everyday lives, right? Jobs, moving to a new office, questioning one's sexuality. How do I break out of the routine and reenergize myself for this quest?

Agent Seeking Agency

A Dear Agent,
You know what? You're good. Just keep doing what you're doing. I'm sure your dad is fine. He's a scientist, after all. In fact, I bet he's helping people make all kinds of new discoveries right now. What do you mean, how did I know he was a scientist? You said he was. Yes, you did. Pretty sure you mentioned that. Anyway, you need to take care of yourself. Don't worry about Jeremiah. Or whatever his name is. Could be George Danvers, for all I know. I don't know anything about your dad except for how he's fine and you don't need to be looking for him.
Dear Evil Mystery Scientist,
With the holidays coming up, I'm really excited to host my family's Thanksgiving for the first time! The only problem is that nobody else in the family wants me to. They still expect to get together at Mom and Dad's house, even though my parents are getting along in years and not really up for it. How can I convince everyone that I'm ready to make a truly special family dinner that we'll all remember?

Already Bought The Butterball

A Dear Bought,
In my experience, the most effective tool for winning hearts and minds is a spooky-ass propaganda video. I like to start by using my own barely-disguised voice to make it seem like a creepy skull-puppet is speaking my message, and I intercut it with stock disaster footage and the like. Plus the crafty aspect of it really helps me unwind from the more stressful parts of my job. But I'm trying to prevent an alien Armageddon, so you'll probably want to do something different with yours. Maybe use a talking turkey head. You also might want to get help from your friends at Geek Squad to forcibly deliver it to your family's electronic device screens. Just remember these three important guidelines: 1) include lots of jarring edits, 2) clarify your message with apocalyptic warnings, and 3) have fun with it!
Dear Evil Mystery Scientist,
Gosh, my two kids are so different! My little girl is always wanting to help people, and in fact she very recently showed that she's possessed of a level of scientific genius not previously hinted at! My little boy is also a budding genius, spending all this time in his own little lab trying to create life and/or grow his hair back, but his motivations seem much less altruistic. In fact, I can't even seem to figure out what they are. People say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but how can that be true when they're so far from each other? Oh, and also I adopted my daughter when she was four.

A Secret Loser?

A Dear Secret,
Your story sounds so familiar to me that it might as well be my own. You may think your son will be the one to break your heart by becoming the greatest criminal mind the world has ever known and ending up in prisons that can never hold him any more than you could. But at least you know where you stand with him. You daughter, though…you can give her a home, a future, a fortune, a cool new alliterative name, and a corporation to run, but all you'll get in return is betrayal. Just watch as she hides under a table with a tiny nerd and undoes your latest pet project in front of National City's upper crust! Or maybe she'll actually be doing you a favor by bringing to heel unruly elements that you thought you could control. I suppose you'll never really know until that day comes, will you? Or maybe even a week or two after that. Best of luck, dear.
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