I Am The Bat'leth from Star Trek
I am the sword...the shield...the legend.
As I tell my story, do not be alarmed if my voice is deep, my elocution sharp, and my consonants hard and plenty. I am an artifact of Klingon origin: of course I sound a little pompous.
I am a Bat'leth, also known as The Sword Of Honor. I do not want to sound -- as you humans would say -- as if I am blowing my own gheb [self-deprecating chuckle], but I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge that I have been the preeminent weapon of my people since my creation some twelve centuries ago. Why, there is an entire religious order that jealously guards the secret of my origin and is awaiting the return of my creator, Kahless The Unforgettable. I will even be so bold as to draw a parallel between the reverence the Klingon people place on the lost original Bat'leth known as the Sword of Kahless, and your Holy Grail.
You may find it unforgivable to compare myself, a weapon, to a holy relic of peace. But lest you forget, I am Klingon. To my people, I am a holy relic of peace. And truly, if you were a weapon that had been created from a lock of hair, forged in the lava of the Kri'stak volcano, and finally tempered in the ancient Lake of Lusor, wouldn't you also deserve an entire religious order devoted to your creator? [Nods self-importantly] I am not the sort of armament that would be so pedestrian as to have been cranked out with a hammer and anvil by your village Blacksmith. Pah!
My uses are varied, but I am primarily a melee weapon used to kill an opponent during a close-quarters battle of honor. Humans have been privileged to receive glimpses of me as I have been employed by many worthy Klingon warriors.
However, I will admit that, like a parent with many children, I am partial to one warrior in particular: Worf, son of Mogh of the Klingon house of Martok.
Worf has wielded me with a strength of hand, a breadth of honor, and a purity of Klingon spirit that is unrivalled. He knows the old stories and traditions and passes them onto his heir in song and deed. I have lived with his family for many generations. I am esteemed to have been the weapon Worf used to plunge into the heart of that poisonous traitor Duras and that also helped to avenge the death of Worf's mate. [Takes a moment to revel in the blood and gore of that moment.] I am a weapon created to kill! Of course I like blood and gore.
As a reward for Worf's commitment to the old ways, I allowed him the opportunity to rediscover the original Sword of Kahless. Regrettably, the splendor of my original self was too overwhelming, and I needed to be hidden again lest I become subject to unfortunate comparisons to another preciousssss artifact that causes its holder to become murderously possessive.
However, it is not all death and disembowelment all the time with me. I am also used to showcase skill, cunning, and strength in competitive games. There is a tournament in my honor held on Forcas III. Warriors from all over come to test their proficiency in using me in contests against one another. Sure, there are still some dismemberments and maiming happening, but it is worth the very cool trophy. Also, I discovered to my delight that my rich history and importance is not just confined to this universe. No, I exist in all parallel universes as well. [Takes a moment to preen.]
Alas, I probably should not be too pleased with myself. I have not been in the hands of a real Klingon warrior in years (and no, I do not count the walk-ons from the last movie!).
So I will end with a hope that I will be once again used in glorious battle by a warrior of honor that is deserving of me instead of being sold as a trinket for a paltry $400.00 on Amazon.com.
[Takes a moment to shudder in dismay.]