Ask The Vulcan Chick Who Told Spock To Stuff His Arranged Marriage

Her name is T'Pring, and she's got a good, pointy-eared head on her shoulders!

Q Dear T'Pring,

I am still unclear as to why you chose Stonn over me, as he did not appear to have a greater number of the attributes that usually appeal to female Vulcans. Also, you do realize that, when you pitted me against my captain in the koon-ut-kal-if-fee, either he or I would have to die, don't you? This is not logical. It may have actually shown a lack of civility.

Spock, Your Ex-Fiancé

A Dear Spock,

Though I admit my love for Stonn made it impossible for me to move forward with our pon farr, this was not the only reason I was uninterested in mating with you. In addition to your distasteful use of blue eyeshadow, you are also half-human, and I am racist. Although I should say I am glad neither you nor Captain Meathead died, I do not care, because I am fully Vulcan and, because of this, do not give a shit.

Q Dear T'Pring,

I just got a job on a fancy new starship, the USS Enterprise (yay!)! After I boarded the ship, I was so excited to get my new uniform -- which includes a long-sleeved red shirt that might feel uncomfortably tight if I gain weight, so no going crazy with the food synthesizer! Anyway, when I sent home a picture of myself wearing my sharp new threads, my family started sending me sound files of weeping and promising to make sure my body receives a respectful space funeral. I'm starting to freak out. What's their problem?

Red Fred

A Dear Red Fred,

You are an insignificant cog in the wheel that is the USS Enterprise. If you are lucky, you will be able to address your superiors with plot-revealing comments shortly before you die. I wish you a noble death, for without it, your life will have had no meaning.

Q Dear T'Pring,

I feel foolish asking for advice, since I know quite a bit about everything (I was the only guy to beat the Kobayashi Maru test at Star Fleet!), but I will admit that Vulcans will always be a mystery to me. Okay, not a mystery per se, because I'm not that interested in other people, but mildly confusing. My First Officer is half-Vulcan, and while he's very loyal and is my greatest defender, he's always in my personal space. I realize I'm catnip to the ladies, but I'm wondering if there's something about me he also finds irresistible. I can't help it! Should I try to find a way to let him down gently?

Captain Sexypants

A Dear Captain Sexypants,

You are part of the reason I hate humans.

Q Dear T'Pring,

Dammit, I am so sick of my co-workers! First there's my captain, who drives me nuts with how long it takes him to finish a sentence, and I'm pretty sure he fixes his hair before he responds to an emergency call to the bridge. Then there's this annoying guy who just raises his eyebrows a lot, and there are altogether too many high jinks. Dammit, I'm a doctor, not Oprah, the first black female President of the United States! I'd avoid everyone for a while, but we all work on a starship so there's no avoiding these goofballs. My blood pressure is much too high, and if I have a heart attack on this ship there's no one who can help me -- I sure as hell won't let that Vulcan lay a hand on me. What can I do to reduce stress? Help!

A Doctor Who Needs A Doctor

A Dear Doctor Who Needs A Doctor,

Unfortunately, I believe you are not suited to working with others in a confined space such as a starship. If you cannot bear another minute, I suggest suicide, which can be easily and effectively achieved by releasing an air lock. Within seconds, your head will explode and, best of all, you will not muss up the interior of the starship. If this is not possible, try yoga.

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