Screens: Paramount

A Planet Of Nymphos Horns Up The Away Team Until Stupid Wesley Breaks Some Silly Rule That's Punishable By Death

And other galactic highlights from the premiere season of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

  • Q Puts Humanity On Trial For No Reason Other Than That He Loves Costume Changes And Funny Hats; Picard Does A Space Jellyfish A Solid, Saves Mankind, And Hates Kids, All Of Which Rule
  • That Virus Or Whatever That Made Sulu Shirtlessly Swashbuckle In TOS Is Back, Letting The Term "Fully Functional" Out Of Pandora's Box Never To Return; On The Plus Side, Picard Says Yar Is Acting Like She's Had "The Equivalent Of A Snootful"
  • Officer Coffey From Boyz In The Hood kidnaps Yar and forces her into a Big Love-To-The-Death Fight With His Wife Number One; Yar And WFO Trick Him Because Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves
  • Picard Meets The Worf-Labeled "Damn Ferengi" For the First Time, And They're Short, Yo, But It's Riker Who Saves The Enterprise From A Long-Dead Sentry By Plagiarizing Sun Tzu; Data Gets Caught In A Chinese Finger Puzzle, Because Of Course He Does
  • Some Asshole Comes On Board With Engine Modifications That Send The Enterprise Out Of The Galaxy A La TOS; He Also Brings The Traveler, Who Takes A Shine To Eventual "Acting Ensign" Wesley And One Of His Native American Window-Treatment Sweaters
  • Picard Tries To Marry An Energy Creature In The Most Boring Subplot Conceivable; Also The "Dog" And "Snake" Aliens On Board Lead The Network To Mandate Massive Costume-Department Layoffs
  • A Planet Of Nymphos Horns Up The Away Team Until Stupid Wesley Breaks Some Silly Rule That's Punishable By Death; Picard Babbles Lots Of Noises About Sacrificing Wesley On The Altar Of The Prime Directive But Then Sadly Is Like "Psych"
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  • A Ferengi With A Blood Grudge Asks Picard If He'd Mind Stepping Into A Revenge Trap An Infant Would See Through; Picard's Like Totes, Bro
  • Q Turns Back Up To Scarf Down The Scenery And Invite Riker To Come Join Him In The Q Stonecutters Lodge While Costume Changes Include "Napoleonic Marshal" And "Franciscan Monk"
  • Troi's Legendarily Irritating Mom Shows Up With The Alkie Giant From Twin Peaks For Troi's Arranged Marriage With T-Bag From Prison Break (Whose Mother Is Frida Claxton From The Golden Girls); Riker And Troi Have A Sad Until T-Bag Meets The Plague-Carrying Blonde Of His Dreams, Literally, And Peaces Out
  • The Holodeck Follies I: Picard Plays A Literary Gumshoe; Data Goes Bazoo With Old-Timey Criminal Lingo; Crew Members Get Trapped In The Holodeck Per Usz And Picard Has To Outwit The Big Boss From Reservoir Dogs
  • Data Finds His Brother Lore, Who Roofies Him In An Attempt To Feed The Enterprise Crew To A Big Space Snowflake; He Doesn't/Does Not Succeed As Everyone Tells Wesley To Shut Up
  • The Enterprise Tracks Some Refugees To A Matriarchal World, With Whose Leader Riker Employs His Usual Brand Of "Diplomatic Relations"; Fortunately, There's Hope For The Planet Because Bonnie Barstow From Knight Rider Double-Super-Haaaates Him
  • A Bunch/Of Computer/Programmer Aliens/Who Finish/Each Other's/Sentences Steal/The Enterprise/By Distracting/Riker With/A Jazz Lady/Who Horns/Him Up/Like That's/So Hard (That's What/She Said)
  • Crusty Admiral Rick From Just One Of The Guys In All The Age Makeup Pulls A Benjamin Button On The Enterprise's Way To A Hostage Negotiation; His Wife Is Bummed They'll Never Meet In The Middle
  • Brenda Strong's Advanced Children Of Men Planet Steals Wesley And Some Other Enterprise Kids; Picard Figures Out Their Rescue And A Criminally Cute Girl Gives Him A Big Hug And Us Tooth Decay
  • General Gogol From The Bond Franchise Is Terraforming A Planet Despite The Inorganic Life Form On It; No One Can Believe Such A Thing Can Be While Somewhere The Horta Burns "ME STILL EXIST" Into Rock
  • An Old Admiral Friend Of Picard's Suspects A Starfleet Conspiracy And Thus Has His Jerky Watchdog Harass The Enterprise Crew About Their Terrible Season-One Episodes; Picard Has A One To Grow On Moment With SVU's Dr. Kyle Beresford While Wesley Takes (And Flunks) The Starfleet Entrance Exam With A Vulcan, A Benzite, And A Very Pretty Block Of Wood
  • An Away Team Takes For-EVER To Find Some Klingons On A Damaged Ship; Worf Bumps Foreheads With His Brosefs Until Klingon Captain Bob Brooks From Matlock Tells Him They're Traitors; Also, What B-Plot?
  • A Planet Of Weapons Merchants Including Vincent Schiavelli Put Riker On Energy-Based Ice; The Bridge Crew Plays A Shoot-'Em-Up Game With Some CGI Drones That Does Not Go Well; Dr. Crusher Might Die And/Or Declare Her Love For Picard
  • Joachim From Wrath Of Khan Is Peddling Addictive Drugs Disguised As Medicine To The Planet Of Captain Kirk's Son; Yar Tells Wesley How Drugs Are Bad Mmmmkay And Picard Gives Dr. Crusher An Equally The More You Know Prime-Directive Lecture
  • A Sentient Oil Slick With An Electronic Voice A Kidnapper Would Deem Too Over The Top Holds Troi Prisoner And Tells Yar "Don't Go Over There"; She's Like, I'm Going To Go Over There Now, So The Creature Kills Her, Leaving Denise Crosby Free To Pursue Bigger And Better Projects LOLOLOLOL
  • Time Follies I: Some Dude's Temporal Experiment Is Going To Blow Up The Galaxy; Complicating The Matter Is His Wife Anne Matheson From Knots Landing, Who Picard Left Two Decades Ago Without Even Sending A Dear John Letter
  • The Conspiracy That Ancient Admiral Suspected Is Totes Real And Ends In Picard Making Awesome Grossed-Out Faces While Phasering A Giant Parasite; Also Data's Laugh Is Scarier Than Paranormal Activity
  • The Enterprise Finds A Derelict Ship With Three Frozen Earthlings Including Hick Tom Nuttall From Deadwood; They Then Head To The Neutral Zone To Find Out Why The Romulans Are Being So Mean To Their Colonies But The Romulans Are All "I Didn't Do It"