We Need To Talk About Joey Lawrence's Hair

Last night, as more adults than you might think found themselves watching a television show in which D-list celebrities faced off against one another in a high-diving competition, one question was on everyone's Twitter-typing fingers. No, not "Why can't I manage to change the channel?"

It's a fair question, guys. Here's what we're working with.


From the front, it looks unnaturally auburn, yet off-puttingly soft for a man his age. The man is almost forty; his hair should be threaded with coarse gray hairs, not have the texture of a toddler's. But the front is only part of the story.

Splash Splash

It's shaved on the sides.

The usual explanations don't apply. Lawrence can't have done this for a part: his next project (an off-brand ripoff of Hitman?) has him looking like this, and there's just no reason why he'd grow it out unevenly. It's not likely that he's getting ready to play a WWII British soldier; no one as old as he is would have made the cut, besides which that would require him to do an English accent, an assignment I am, let's say, not entirely certain he could manage.

So what is Lawrence up to with this look? Isn't it obvious? He's using it to pull focus from the divers! And it's already working! I barely even remember who dove last night -- and they're actual celebrities! Instead, all I can think of is Joey Lawrence and the mat on the top of his head, which is probably as soft and warm as a puppy's belly. And with the sides shaved down, he's totally ready for G.I. Joe 3: Carnage á Trois....

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