Thomas Faces The Unkindest Cut Of All On Southern Charm
Dudes be in trouble this week, circumcised or not.
This week, Craig visits his old boss, because humiliating yourself never gets old. Shep gets dumped at work and also by a girl, and then attempts to "hang up the cock" (™ Whitney), but not really. Landon's diorama website mockup fails to impress Lockhart Steele yet again, and she also fails to woo Shep with her confession that she maybe loves him. Cameran's mom becomes the hero of childfree people everywhere. Kathryn acts all Stepford Wife-y. A bunch of dudes, along with Patricia, gather to openly doubt the paternity of the latest alleged Ravenel, eat beef, and slut-shame. Thomas vows to use his money and power to guard his possible non child's private parts, so, uh, don't worry?
Here's this week's list of Charm-ing behaviors, from best to worst.
- Cameran's Mom
Cameran shows up at her mom's (HI BONNIE) house, and is immediately served a Benedictine and Brandy, which horrifies Cameran with both its flavor and its small quantity. She reports that she's been to a therapist about the baby issue, and admits that if Jason, her husband, didn't want to have a baby, it wouldn't even be a question for her. I know this is the South and all, and certain things are assumed, but damn, I wish they'd talked about this before they got married. Instead of whipping out her disturbing bag of tiny things for her future grandchild, as she did last season, Bonnie informs Cameran that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to have a kid, she has plenty of friends who didn't have them and are super-smart and happy, and Cameran shouldn't cave to societal pressure. What is this I'm feeling? Is it pure, unqualified glee? Yes. Yes, it is. (Also, Bonnie 2016.)
- Craig's Former Boss
One of the best scenes in Southern Charm history is that which involves Craig's boss at the time, Akim, inviting him to his extremely large house, offering him a glass of wine, and handing it to him, along with his ass. This splendid firing took place after a long period of Craig pretending to work from home, when, in actuality, he was sitting on his couch wearing a backwards baseball cap, eating mango freeze pops, getting drunk, and playing video games. We've all been there, Craig. (I mean, not me, but everyone else.) This season, Craig returns to Akim's house, wearing the world's most annoying blazer, where he gets yelled at by Akim for still not having taken the bar two years after graduation. Akim is like, dude, maybe you don't want to actually be a lawyer, and Craig is like WAHHHHHHHH BUT I HAVE BLESSINGS. Or something. Akim would like Craig to just take the goddamn bar. I would like this show to get renewed for another season specifically so that still not happen.
Postpartum Kathryn is scaring the shit out of me, making googly eyes at Thomas and telling him she loves him and touching him a lot and acting like she buys into all the crap he's saying about Jennifer Snowden. Apparently having a baby makes you all hormonal and cooperative or whatever, but ew. She tells Dawn, who gives Kenzie a cracker to stop her from eating the breast pump (as you do), that being able to be friends with Thomas means the door is always open for the future. Dawn, to her credit, does not knife-murder Kathryn, possibly because the house has been baby-proofed and sharp objects are hard to come by.
What kind of a world are we living in when a dude like Shep gets dumped by his non-girlfriend, and then fired from his non-job in the same episode? Shep's ability to bounce back after getting rejected from stuff he didn't really want in the first place (i.e. responsibility and commitment) is great, which is lucky for him, because it will take ALL of his powers to dodge the enormous missile full of hot garbage headed right for him. "Maybe I love you," says Landon, to our seemingly unsuspecting hero, who might have been set up by the producers for this, because he brought wine over to Landon's place. Shep is pretty good at disguising the fact that he's screaming on the inside -- there is face-rubbing and wine-chugging and denial that he knew Landon had feelings for him. He says he feels badly, and then, like anyone in danger of being trapped in a fire, gets the hell out of there.
Let's get this out of the way first: Shut up, Landon. Moving on. After scaring the hell out of Shep, Landon and her red lipstick pay a visit to Lockhart Steele, Vox Media maven, who's in Charleston awaiting Part 2 of her spectacular fail. It takes about forty seconds for Lockhart to tell Landon that she'd get laughed out of a room of investors if she showed up to a meeting with her paper mock-up of some bullshit that she should have put on an iPad. He cannot get her out of his house fast enough -- it's like watching Shep figure out how to evacuate the premises the night before all over again. Landon interviews that she just wants to succeed! Without having to try that hard! Or at all!
Craig and his stupid blazer arrive at Patricia's stupid party to listen to JD tell everyone about how he needs guidance, then proceeds to look pissy and chug wine. None of his man-childing is new or surprising, until he reveals that he thinks it's extremely possible that Kathryn and Thomas's latest spawn is not actually Thomas's, echoing JD's call for a paternity test. Apparently, he's moved on from his camera-friendly interest in civility and is now back in the land of sycophants? What a dick.
Thomas has successfully sired a boy, and he would like everyone to know that no one is going to be sullying the perfect Ravenel genitals with circumcision. K, bro. There is a lot of discussion about how he wasn't given the choice to be circumcised, so blah blah Ravenel balls Thomas is gross. Also, girls are "derivative," because they're just going to grow up and get married and change their last names, so what's even the point of girls, amirite? The fact that he is one hundred percent cool with attending Patricia's "So You've Ejaculated Effectively And Strategically" congratulations bullshit dinner that doesn't include Kathryn, the one into whom he ejaculated effectively and strategically, is so predictably heinous that it doesn't even surprise me. Patricia's caftan looks very soft, though, so if you need me, I'll be taking a nap in its sweet, malicious folds.