Thomas Brought Landon The Wrong Flower, But Don't Worry, He Can Still Get It On Southern Charm

Charleston, you could have prevented this.

This week: Saint gets a pretty fancy-ass birthday party for someone who is barely sentient. Thomas brings Landon the wrong flower and also touches her a lot. Cameran makes a decision re: breeding. Austen and Chelsea go crabbing (not a metaphor). Jennifer Snowden and Landon drink on a rooftop, but what you're hoping will happen does not. Shep is regretful and then super-drunk and then horizontal. Gizmo loves drive-thrus! Craig buys a house, but apparently not a dictionary. Kathryn does not throat-punch anyone. Patricia gives Thomas terrible advice, for which we will all pay.

Hug your pets, stock up on the Bud Light, and put your psychiatrist on speed dial -- here comes the cast of Southern Charm in their rankings, from reasonably behaved to not so much.

  1. Kathryn

    At Saint's party, Kathryn does not attack anyone with a shard of glass, although she would have been one hundred percent in the right if she had, considering Patricia acts like a garbage hole and Snowden continues to pretend she has no idea why Kathryn would be mad and Thomas apologizes to her for his handwriting, instead of his existence, while everyone around her acts like he's so magnanimous because he invited Kathryn to her own kid's party and delegated all the responsibility of planning and executing said party to Deidre the nanny.

    The party looks boring, yet aggressive? (Cameran marvels later that she's surprised it went so well, and Naomie says that's because there were baby animals and no alcohol.) Everyone expected Kathryn to have some kind of meltdown, and I suspect that she knows that, so she's not giving it to them. I'm still going to need her to stop saying, "This is the new Kathryn," because it reminds me too much of Hashtag New Craig. (#NeverAgain)

  2. Cameran

    This week, Cameran goes to her therapist so Bravo can clarify how she got from being fine with her life the way it was last season (week?) and pregnant in real life currently. Cameran says she's feeling like she's too self-absorbed and like she's denying Jason the chance to be a father, after she caught him passive-aggressively staring at a lake. And what if she's putting off her "greatest purpose"? (I have to get some water because I am already dehydrated from throwing up.) Therapist thinks that Cameran knows the answer to the "should I have a baby?" question.

    Maybe I am too childfree to appreciate Cameran arriving at this conclusion, but this does not sound like an enthusiastic "I want a baby!" to me. It sounds like, oh, fine, I guess I'd better do it because I'll regret it if I don't? Perhaps they edited out the part where Cameran sobs with the joy of potential parenthood? Whatever. Make way for Pregnant Cameran, folks. At least she'll get snacks.

    At Craig's rental house, she and Naomie and Craig discuss LaRav, and Cameran is appropriately skeptical and disgusted by the fact that it seems like Landon and Thomas are going to bone down. I would like Cameran to only refer to Landon as "Old Lando" from now on, please.

    After getting stood up at Shep's potential Beach Palace, Cameran goes to his house to make sure he's not dead. We're supposed to think that Shep's enzyme exploded or something, but he's just hungover. Cameran says that this is one of the lowest points at which she's ever seen Shep. THIS is one of the lowest points? He's in his own bed wearing his own clothes and it's early afternoon. Unless Cameran knows something we don't, this is Shep overachieving. I understand being pissed that he missed their appointment, but Cameran perpetually acts like she found him wearing nothing but a Snuggie while eating glass in an alleyway. Can we regroup, please? Go ahead, I'll wait.

  3. Craig

    Craig takes Naomie to see the new rental house he's acquired, and on the way, she and Gizmo gaze into one another's eyes, and she worries about what she's going to do when Gizmo dies, and Craig is like OH MY GOD WOMEN. He jokes about Naomie being too anxious and having to secretly drug her. How little would it have taken for him to be like, "It's going to suck, because he's so awesome and orange and special and we're lucky to have him, and we'll be there for each other?" He thinks he's working on being less condescending, but I am here to tell you that Craig does not know what condescending means.

    Craig also takes this time in the car, during which they stop off at McDonald's and get fries and a Quarter Pounder and an Oreo milkshake thing which Craig does not deserve, to complain about Shep still being alive. Naomie says that Shep is a kind person to everyone but Craig (understandable). Craig interviews that he thinks he's "adulting" very well, with the house-buying and the finally finishing law school. I guess? If you think an adult is someone who is completely lacking in self-awareness and makes up for it by buying stuff and being mean to people who, for some reason, love you.

  4. Shep

    Shep shows up to Chelsea's uninvited, to drink beer and eat her food, and I do not like it, and not just because surprise guests are the worst. He is fully trying to nail her now, right? He asks her how Austen is, and she doesn't really answer him at first, and then says they're just hanging out, and if it becomes a situation where she has to check in with him before doing something, she's hitting the eject button. Shep thinks she is a unicorn, because apparently he's never met a woman who wasn't trying to marry him immediately?

    The next day, Chelsea tells Cameran that they had some wine and then Shep went downtown, but I'm not convinced they didn't make out. Shep is apparently now trying to remake his life, since he lost out on the one woman who wasn't interested in locking it down for reals, because she's dating his friend, except not really? I am confused. He seems genuinely distressed that his house is a frat party every night, and he wants to change, and it appears to have nothing to do with his wandering enzyme or whatever it is. I don't get it, but I don't like that Shep is in any way pursuing Chelsea, because a) it means Craig and Cameran were right, and b) everyone is going to feel sorry for Austen, which is unacceptable.

  5. Thomas

    I guess organizing a party for a one-year-old is really stressful? Probably even more so if you decide to invite the mother of said one-year-old, one person who hates her (Patricia), and one person who seems profoundly confused most of the time (Snowden). This is a trap, and there is nothing you can say that will convince me otherwise. Thomas would probably call it a test, but regardless, he definitely wanted to see if Kathryn would lash out at Patricia and Snowden, and it didn't work, but either way, Thomas gets to look like a hero.

    Because I am being trolled by Bravo, we have to watch Thomas get ready to prepare to attempt to bone Landon this week, which includes applying some face cream or some shit. His entire case to her as to why they should be in a relationship is "Let's just go for it." Compelling. It's almost like he knows he doesn't have to do that much work.

  6. Landon

    Everybody send in their suggestions for what Landon should call the website instead of Roam, because otherwise, we're going to have to hear her at "work," "brainstorming" names for 10 entire seconds with Anna, who's so overwhelmed with everything that she can't sleep.

    Thomas shows up at Landon's with a rose, which she accepts, but then tells him that for future reference, orchids are her favorite. Part of me is all, TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT, YAY WOMEN, and the rest of me is imagining how the orchid on her table is trying to kill itself.

    They go for Patricia's prescribed walk, and oh, shit, here we are at the bench from the season premiere. While Charlotte contemplates how to get rabies, it takes about forty seconds for Landon to acquiesce to Thomas's suggestion that they try out a relationship. She interviews that she "can't keep punishing him for Kathryn." Yes, you can keep punishing him for treating her so badly, but we all know that's not what she means. They go off to have a glass of wine (sexually), so I guess it's on now? Here we are. Lord, give me strength, and also a cookie and a Xanax.

  7. Patricia

    Patricia goes to la soiree de Ravenel and on the way, tells Cameran and her off-the-shoulder-blouse/sweater combo of terror that it must be really embarrassing to be a guest at your own child's birthday party. She refuses to talk to Kathryn at said party, which is actually four different parties: Thomas/Snowden/Patricia, Kathryn and the people who will talk to her, Saint and his ten thousand nannies, and Kenzie and the bunnies and kittens, which is the only party I want to be at (minus Kenzie, who is also blindly devoted to the iced-tea pitcher apparatus).

    I think it was theorized last season, possibly by Cooper (COME BACK COOPER), that the reason Patricia hates Kathryn so much is because she reminds her of herself at 25. Patricia declares that she is not a "tornado chaser" and therefore doesn't want to talk to Kathryn, but seriously, what kind of dick move is it to go to someone's kid's birthday party and not talk to them? Or at least wave? Or make the kitten wave? Come on. It's just more garbage about how Kathryn is so volatile that you can't even talk to her without her removing your head from your body, while Thomas gets to strut around and preen like he invented bunnies.

    Later, at Patricia's house, Thomas says he thinks Landon is perfect. Drink more, Thomas. Patricia tells him to take Landon on a walk because men are bad at courting women these days or something. My theory that she's trying to push these two together so they can't harm anyone else feels more robust, but again, she seems to not understand that we (and by "we," I mean "the planet") will all have to deal with the consequences of LaRav. Actually, maybe Patricia won't, she'll just hole up in Dog Manor, caftan-clad, drinking martinis while Michael and Whitney fend off the zombie apocalypse.

  8. Jennifer Snowden

    Kathryn waves tepidly at Snowden at Saint's party, and she is pissssed, because she also ignored her baby, which she thought Kathryn would be more interested in. She seems to still be confused about why Kathryn is mad at her. How much money do I have to give these people to pick a goddamn lane? Either you want her to avoid conflict and show you that she's changed, or you don't. I think at this point, we know that people need Kathryn to behave in a certain way so they can keep feeling like they're right about her. Shut up, everyone.

    Snowden and Landon drink champagne somewhere, and Snowden becomes the thirty-eighth person to tell Landon to stop thinking about it with Thomas and just go for it, because he's done an "about face." WHICH FACE? Do I need to wear 3-D glasses to watch this show? Or be drunk? (Yes.) There is literally nothing different about Thomas other than the fact that he's been forced to "parent" and he's farming out that responsibility to other people (women). He didn't put Kenzie and Saint in a sack and float them out to sea, so he's the world's best dude. I cannot. I'll be over here reading the SCUM Manifesto for the rest of the season.

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