Southern Charm's Whitney Hates Craig, He Hates Him So F---ing Much

The soundtrack to this episode: the dulcet tones of everyone's rage.

In the woods, Craig attempts to assail Whitney with his version of the truth, while everyone looks on and drinks a lot. After the group returns to Charleston, Naomie stares at her phone and Googles "how to get out of your relationship while it's being televised." Cameran tries to meditate, except for the "trying" part, because she forgets to turn her phone off. Shep has grown weary of everything except Monday Night Football, shaving, and fried foods. Kathryn anticipates the imminent emergence of Thomas II from her nether regions, as Thomas I prepares to leave town to bro out with Whitney in L.A. Patricia makes an appearance at Whitney's loft in Charleston to proclaim herself "old" and "poor" and offer him one of four engagement rings for use in a future proposal to Larissa, who materializes in L.A. so that Whitney can convince her to remove her underwear via stir-fry and a terrible song.

Here are the Charmers, ranked from most charming to least.

  1. Danni
    It's interesting how two people can feel the very same way about something, and yet one can express those feelings in a way that is productive, and the other has to be a totally childish buttface about it. Danni opines that people are being ridiculous about Kathryn and her apparently self-inflicted pregnancy, since everyone but Danni apparently still need to take a biology class. The next morning, Danni gets in her car and drives away from Shep's house and back toward her life of structure and relative temperance, where everyone's hair smells fantastic.
  2. Shep
    At a certain point every week while I make the latest version of this list, I find myself wondering if I'm not contorting the actions of people I like into being better than they are, and the answer is yes, I totally am. TV is all about forming attachments to people who don't exist/people who are fabricating an existence, so WHATEVER. The point is, in spite of the fact that I am very aware that, IRL, Shep and I could in no way hang, the fact of him wandering around his North Carolina house in pajamas being cranky re: Craig and Whitney and seeking the comfort of bacon secures him this place in the rankings this week, as well as his assertion that "grudges are for losers," and that Whitney is protesting too much about his non-feelings for Kathryn. I do have some minor concerns about his whole "I will take responsibility for Craig" jam, but that's between me and my future inevitable disappointment.
  3. Kathryn
    We are now three weeks from the second Ravenel's eruption from the Calhoun womb, so we'll be seeing/hearing about Kathryn's induction in next week's episode. In the meantime, she's buying furniture online and watching Kenzie wave her child arms around. When she finds out about Thomas's impending dude trip to L.A. to see Whitney, she responds by not answering her phone and making Dawn the Deserving-Hazard-Pay-For-This-Gig Nanny lie to Thomas and say she doesn't know where Kathryn is. It's all very "TELL DAD I'M NOT TALKING TO HIM WAHHHHHH" but, at the same time, totally warranted. Later, while Thomas assembles The Heir's changing table, Kathryn reminds him that Whitney is still causing drama between them three years later, and asks him why he's not looking at her when she's talking to him. We share the same desire for Thomas to injure himself while erecting the place where his son's gross baby diapers will be changed. Huzzah, Kathryn.
  4. Cameran
    After being mesmerized by Cameran's pajama pants/unable to handle her relentless defense of Whitney, I chose Googling said pants over the sweet embrace of death. (They're Lilly Pulitzer.) Cameran and Whitney flee the mountain the morning after Craig's Cry for Justice, presumably so she could drive back to Charleston while Whitney emotion-ed all over the car. Cameran interviews that Craig is now outside her "circle of trust," and proceeds to roll her eyes during their make-up lunch, during which she consumes a grilled cheese, Cheetos, and possibly soup? Her fearlessness with regard to taking on Cheeto Hand in what I assume is her work attire is impressive, but it cannot save her from my loathing in regard to her smugness about Kathryn.
  5. Whitney
    After flailing and stomping and whining in North Carolina, Whitney takes off for L.A., where he cleans the windows in his fancy house and makes stir-fry in preparation for the arrival of Larissa, his girlfriend, for whom he wrote a song called "I Love You, I Love You So Fucking Much." I had to mute this scene, so all I know is that Larissa spends it laughing and writhing around on the couch, which is the only acceptable response when someone embarasses himself thoroughly in front of the viewing public. (Leaving the room would also have been one way to go.) I can't decide if I think Whitney was in love with Kathryn or if he's just pissed off because Craig got all stabby with the words in front of everyone. Either way, he remains an insufferable dumbshit.
  6. Thomas
    Somewhere in Thomas's house, he has a closet containing nothing but white jeans, a pile of laminated index cards with the words "Kathryn" on one side and "crazy" on the other, and a bowl full of condoms with holes in them. I imagine that he contemplates these objects every morning before heading out into the world to make another crappy decision resembling the one he made the day before. These decisions include trying to flee town in spite of the imminent birth of his child, and then attempting to repent for the fleeing by sending Kathryn flowers accompanied by a note with unnecessarily capitalized letters.
  7. Craig
    Craig is not in last place this week because he ruined Shep's idyllic weekend in the mountains (I'm pretty sure the producers did that), but because he is perhaps the least stealthy human being within one thousand miles of North Carolina and its environs. Thomas's failed Senate campaign is better at staying on message than Craig, who undermines his whole quest for the truth about Whitney and Kathryn by admitting that he's still mad at Whitney for that time last season when he told Craig's parents about his constantly being drunk and missing work. I know this plea will fall on deaf ears, but dude, pick a lane.
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