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Southern Charm's Landon Throws You The Worst Party Of Your Whole Entire Life

Flamingos are the least of everyone's problems this week.

This week, Cooper goes to lunch with Kathryn, puts his head in his hands, and prays for death. Kathryn evaluates her friendships, toddles pregnantly around her new house, buys herself a fake Birkin, and is coldly rejected by Cameran. Craig and Naomie get ready to move into another house Naomie owns. Craig theorizes about Whitney's feelings and is disappointed by people he spent an entire season disappointing. Whitney talks on the phone with his twenty-two-year-old girlfriend in order to remind us that it is inappropriate to date much younger women. Landon throws herself Shep a birthday party where everyone eats fried food, wears headbands, hurts themselves, and yells at each other.

Who comes off best? Let's count them down from least objectionable to most.

  1. Danni

    I missed Danni and her fabulous hair and her ability to be nice while not taking shit from anyone; historically, I have supported the good judgment she showed back in Season 1 when Thomas put in a fairly athletic effort into attempting to nail her, and she rebuffed him. This week, she sits Kathryn down and tells her she's being withholding and that everyone has a perpetual hangover from The Thomas And Kathryn Show that keeps getting renewed even though no one wants to watch it anymore. (They did, though. They petitioned the network to keep it going. And yes, this metaphor is now over.) At Shep's sad/infuriating birthday party, Danni tells Landon that she's also upset about Kathryn not being invited, and agrees that Cameran behaved shrewishly towards Kathryn when she was just trying to ask a bitch out for coffee.

  2. Shep

    Aging Shep is my orange kitten unicorn star this week, for various reasons, but one of them is not because he refers to Possible Future Girlfriend Bailey as being "DTF." (I am comforted by your invocation of Jersey Shore, Shep. It makes me feel like we know each other very well.) He finally calls Cameran out on her incessant marriage-related harassment, and spends the rest of the episode wearing polyester/complaining about the lack of alcohol at his own birthday party/insulting Landon/exposing her lies/falling down on the skating rink/having the worst hair I've ever seen him have on this show. It involves both wings and bangs. I will say no more.

  3. Cooper

    Dude does not spend too much time in front of the camera, but Cooper has had it. He shows up to lunch with Kathryn all puffy and tired, yet fashionably coordinated, and uses the word "psychotic" to refer to the situation which might be materializing with Jennifer Snowden, who told Kathryn last season that she never slept with Thomas and then Thomas told Kathryn that while she was pregnant with Kenzie, he did, in fact, sleep with Jennifer, and oh my God THESE PEOPLE. Cooper's point is that Kathryn should probably consider carefully who she's calling a friend.

    In the meantime, he's been iced the fuck out of future Altschul parties because he's been seen associating publicly with Kathryn "Scarlet Letter" Dennis. Cooper seems nonplussed, and his response is to double down on his idea that Patricia is jealous because Kathryn possesses a lithe and bewitching body full of the firmness of youth.

  4. Craig

    Craig does not know how to tape a box, which is why he has Naomie, who is remarkably patient with his lack of life skills and also his ability to stir up shit, even when it's shit that probably needs to be stirred. He regales Naomie with tales of how Whitney and Shep got to have conjugal times with Kathryn and he didn't, and she doesn't throw a plate at his head for referring to Kathryn as a "trophy" he wanted. Craig has this theory that the reason Whitney is so mad at Kathryn is because he had some feelings for her before/after (during?) their brief tryst, and that she did not return said feelings. Maybe? I don't care. Along with Shep and Danni, Craig is also on Team Pissed Off at Landon later in the episode, so he gets to stay.

  5. Kathryn

    Kathryn moves into her new house this week, and one of her boxes may or may not have "critters" inside of it, but, hi, she is totally not going to check that herself. At lunch with Cooper, she reminds everyone that she reads the comments on her Instagram when she tells everyone that her new Birkin bag is a fake. (Where is Logan Huntzberger when you need him?) She gives us one of the most deft and concise descriptions of Patricia ever: "She talks about me and martinis. Literally, that's it. And animals." Kathryn takes direction well, I guess, because after Danni tells her she's been shutting people out, she calls Cameran to ask her to go to coffee. When Cameran turns her down, she manages to maintain some perspective by pointing out that coffee is not akin to sex or taking selfies together or wearing matching pajamas, it's just coffee, so maybe calm down?

  6. Thomas

    Among the first moments of this week's episode is a shot of Thomas waking up in his underwear and putting on his white pants whilst thrusting his hips into the air and kicking his legs like a horse having a seizure. Later, when Landon comes over to drool over Thomas's millions, he asks her if she invited Kathryn to Shep's birthday party while he reclines skankily, and ponders why Kathryn is so bitter and overreacts to things like a photo of Landon cramming herself into/onto Thomas while holding a pineapple (what the hell). That's all we see of him this week, blessedly, but this is but a brief respite. Don't get comfortable.

  7. Patricia

    Post-flamingo party, Patricia is feeling delicate and vulnerable and annoyed by the inappropriate level of fluffiness that is her couch and its pillows. Blah blah, she's over Cooper, and never inviting him anywhere again. I liked Patricia so much more when she was caftan-ing drunk all over her house and yelling at Whitney (who in this episode wears jeans and a jean jacket together at the same time on his body) to get married.

  8. Cameran

    Goddammit, Eubanks. You made it impossible for me to go to the mat for you this week, and for that, I am angry at you and your lovely hair of smoothness. I'm so bored with Cameran's marriage and baby obsession that I've developed this ability to replace the sounds of her saying those words with the sound of coffee being poured (shut up, it soothes me). It's not that Cameran was under any obligation to go to coffee with Kathryn, but she also didn't have to be such a massive puke face about it, and if she's going to make such an effort to avoid Kathryn, she could also avoid Thomas, but she seems to have rigged up some situation in which she's up his ass and Patricia's at the same time.

  9. Landon

    Everyone hates Landon this week, and it is delightful. Even Thomas -- who I'm positive has seen her sexual parts -- tells her he wouldn't invest in her stupid travel magazine idea. It might seem hard to hate a person who has her own custom made roller skates (or maybe not so hard), but Landon's entire deal this week is throwing Shep a birthday party he didn't want, without any alcohol, and telling him she invited Kathryn when she didn't -- even though Shep wanted her there -- so everyone would be confident in their writing off of Kathryn. Landon lies so hard in this episode, and yet so badly. There are at least three people on this show who are really good at lying, Landon, maybe chill with them for a while and observe?

    The episode ends with Shep burning a hole in Landon's revolting ass by saying that, someday, they'll learn from all their trials and tribulations. By "learn," I hope he means "Landon will be chased out of town by a pack of cheetahs who also have their own custom made roller skates."

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