Southern Charm Wonders Whose Dead Body Can Most Easily Be Stuffed Into A Bourbon Barrel

Craig would like to find out, except most of us would like that body to be his.

Following Shep's disastrous birthday of yore, Landon takes off to New York in an attempt to foist her dim and underdeveloped idea for a travel magazine onto the head of Vox Media. Cameran and Shep sit on an elliptical porch and bicker in front of a prospective client about the value of his house, and then drink Bloody Marys with Whitney and bicker about Kathryn. Everyone watches Craig have a meltdown when JD tells him he can't be in charge of Gentry Bourbon because he doesn't know what bourbon is. Kathryn and Elizabeth reunite amid a group of creepy children wearing polo shirts and newsboy caps. Naomie looks at the enormous ring Craig gave her and contemplates words that rhyme with "entitlement."

Here's an assessment of everyone's performance this week, counted down from least objectionable to most.

  1. Kathryn
    The memory of Kenzie's temper tantrum at the beginning of this episode makes my ovaries shudder and invert, although apparently it was pretty mild as child meltdowns go. Kathryn decides to reassess whom to reach out to re: her "friends," and calls Elizabeth, who is very graceful and receptive and patient as she conducts her small army of boys in coordinated outfits. Kathryn admits that she's been isolating herself, and that it's not Elizabeth's fault; she apologizes and there is hugging. It's nice, until Elizabeth reminds us all that soon there will be a Ravenel heir to terrorize the world, along with his minions, the towheaded Madison children.
  2. Shep
    Shep is very busy this week, making eggs and following Cameran around and educating Thomas as to the existence of the Hot Pocket and trying to save Craig from jumping off a building and into a river of Male Tears. Whether or not he succeeds in getting Whitney and Cameran to take the high road with regard to Kathryn remains to be seen, but in the meantime, he enjoys reminding us that he knows words like "melodrama," "copacetic," and "tranquil."
  3. Cameran
    Cameran, everyone knows that the issue isn't whether you've actually showered, but if you look like you could have. It's a skill, which someone like Shep has probably developed after years of getting drunk and waking up late the next day not knowing where he is. It's not quite at the level of being able to distinguish a pocket window from some other kind of window, but some of us understand that sleep is often more important than showering, so just let us live, OKAY? Cameran is all "at the point in my life" about the Kathryn/coffee situation, which makes her sound old and tired, instead of what I think she was going for, which is the "I'm above everything" narrative.
  4. JD
    JD has been on my nerves since he started participating in that whole "Kathryn is using her vagina/fetus/spellbook to manipulate Thomas" thing that has been dominating this season. He doesn't rival Thomas in his heinousness, but he does have his own special brand of skeeze, manifesting in his laugh and his bowtie and his belief that he doesn't have to give Craig basic information about the bourbon company because he's too busy getting off on being the boss.
  5. Landon
    Landon goes to New York this week, which we are all supposed to care about, since she's allegedly attempting to get her act together, when really, she's continuing to coast on the fact that she knows people who know people. One of these people is Lockhart Steele of Vox Media, who has to endure Landon's non-pitch of her whatever magazine for rich people. It's pretty excruciating to watch, especially when Landon giggles about not having ever made a website or a prototype or an actual effort.



    Lockhart's facial expressions during their meeting are emblematic of how we all feel about Landon and her relentless inanity, and therefore, are the gift that continues to give.

  6. Naomie
    Apparently, it's disappointing when your boyfriend tells you he's going to get rich and buy you shiny things and then it turns out he's been utterly (and likely willfully) misreading the entire situation at work and won't actually be coasting into Trump levels of wealth on a wave of bourbon and taking you with him. Let's hope the barrel-sized bow on Naomie's shirt will absorb all her tears and that she'll find a way to move past this, the most overwhelming of tragedies.
  7. Craig
    Craig whines and baby talks and pouts his way through this episode. It's unclear where he got this idea that JD was going to make him King of Bourbon Land, especially since he has both zero experience and zero information about bourbon. He reeks of the same entitlement he had last season, when he thought he could just not go into the office and manage not to get fired. This whole thing is such a gross exercise in man privilege that it's actually worse than the Thomas/Kathryn storyline the Southern Charm producers shirked in favor of it, and still manages to disgust me, in spite of the fact that I have seen television before.
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