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Southern Charm Goes To The Woods To Scream About Its Inner Turmoil

Shep brings everyone on a nature retreat so that they can ineffectively deal with themselves.

Because Shep isn't poor, he takes everyone to his family's extra house in North Carolina so that they can all yell at each other in a nice bucolic setting. I've been watching too many found footage horror movies as of late, so in my version of events, the Charlestonians fall prey to a stalker/an extremely bored yet vengeful witch/a werewolf/group of well organized ghosts. I'm sorry in advance that this probably won't happen. Landon admits to Shep that she lied about inviting Kathryn to his birthday party; Cameran reveals that she goes to therapy; and Craig continues to audition for the role no one else on this show wants: Sherlock Holmes. Whitney continues to linger on the periphery until Craig accuses him of being the sort of person who has feelings. Kathryn reminds us that she and Whitney banged and that she left her underwear on the floor of Patricia's house for several days. Thomas attempts to insert his penis inside women -- who, with obvious exceptions, continue to know better.

And now, let us ponder the behaviors of our non-heroes, from best to worst.

  1. Carson, Tattooed Local Hero
    Thomas drunkenly twitches around the dance floor with Carson, who seems to be having a good time until he comments on her cheekbones and then she asks him if he wants to get cut, "like, with a pocket knife." He's into it? I can no longer tell; Thomas exhausts my insides. While he's off getting her a drink, Carson goes and dances with Shep. She doesn't even wait until Thomas is out of earshot, and it's so clear that she does not give a single fuck if it looks like she's just trolling dudes according to where the cameras are -- she definitely is -- but Shep is the superior choice over Thomas, because, hi. For all this, Carson, you are episode champ.
  2. Kathryn
    I know it's not nice to sleep with people to get back at other people, but if those two people are Whitney and Thomas, that makes it okay, right? Apparently, Kathryn and Whitney had a miniature thing, which ended after Kathryn ditched him for Thomas right around the time of the Season 1 pregnancy scare. In retrospect, Kathryn's not proud of her behavior, but it delights me to watch her wound men, especially when it's to such a degree that one of them can't even talk about it and is reduced to sniveling around his mother's house while wearing enormous gold pinkie rings.
  3. Shep
    In an attempt to get his friends to stop acting so much like themselves, Shep brings them all to North Carolina, where they are definitely not all going to fight with each other about who hates Kathryn the most and for the worst reason. He invites Kathryn so that he won't have to feel bad about it, and then spends the rest of the episode in various states of inebriation and willful ignorance, which is probably the only way he's going to survive this trip.
  4. Cameran
    I'm still mad at Cameran re: her incessant sucking up to Patricia, but I do really appreciate her whole "Do I want to have a kid or am I just being brainwashed" storyline, because it's as real as anyone on this show is allowed to get. Plus, it's kind of enjoyable to watch people on Twitter freak out at the notion of a woman being ambivalent/confused about children. It almost makes up for the fact that she's hanging out with Whitney. ALMOST.
  5. Thomas
    Because this show is not allowed to begin without a montage detailing what the cast does in the morning, Thomas squats in front of his coffee maker wearing sunglasses that look like they belong to Kenzie. Because the least you could do for the mother of your children is put together your heir's crib, Thomas goes to Kathryn's house to do so, and injects a needle full of fear directly into my spine while he makes goo eyes at her. It's possible that he's just trying to keep what he considers to be her crazy at bay, but what's really important here is that he thinks Kathryn is a dinosaur: "I'm T-Rav and she's T-Rex." (Shut the entire hell up, Thomas. At least he finally got the memo about Landon being a lying liar face, but still, shut up.) As he skeeves his way through Asheville, Thomas is his usual mix of low-level sexual predator and everyone's embarrassing dad.
  6. Craig
    Because I am constantly unsatisfied, I am now completely over this whole Craig as Nancy Drew/Dr.Phil/Oprah thing in which he tries to reveal everyone's secrets instead of taking the bar. This week, he gets Kathryn to admit that she revenge-nailed Whitney in Season 1. I guess I understand Craig's fascination with the underpinnings of everyone's hatred for Kathryn, but also, if someone (Whitney) doesn't want to let shit go, it's irrelevant. I do not under any circumstances condone Whitney's existence, but it's also kind of weird that Craig's so obsessed with bringing up what happened during the days of yore, especially since Whitney's entire job on this show is to be an asshole, just as it's Craig's job to be a perpetual child. Additionally, Craig thinks Asheville is Nashville, which I hope has something to do with all those Bud Lights he drank on the party bus to North Carolina, but let's be real, he probably thinks they're the same place in sober time as well.
  7. Landon
    Landon would like everyone to know that that meeting with Lockhart Steele last week went GREAT OKAY? So great, in fact, that Lockhart will be coming to Charleston in a few weeks to work on her big fancy idea with her, thus continuing the saga of the Lockening (™ Lilit). There's already some confusion on Landon's part about whether or not she has to actually build her website for rich people, or if she can just make a list on the back of a receipt and Vox Media will take it from there. I'm so looking forward to Lockhart's faces when he tells her she's going to have to do some goddamn work.

    Landon and her sister discuss Kathryn and ponder what it might be like to have one and a half babies in your early twenties with a dude who's twice your age. It does seem horrible, but unless Kathryn didn't want to keep the babies and this is a case of reproductive coercion, it's so not the point. Bam, Landon's sister, wonders if Kathryn has any skills, and Landon says it's pretty obvious she has one skill: "She does some pretty good work on her back." Is Landon getting paid to slut-shame Kathryn? At this point, she must be, so I feel pretty good about assigning that to her as her own special skill, even though being a trashcan to women actually involves no skills. (See, "Internet, The.")

    Later, Landon tells Shep that she did lie about inviting Kathryn to his birthday party, which I'm sure she's expecting cookies for, but at this point, it's so played out that no one even cares. I am fully amenable to Cameran's theory that Landon is interested in Shep, though, and based on this season, it's just horrible enough to actually happen. (DO NOT DO IT SHEP I AM SERIOUS.)

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