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On Southern Charm, Valuable Lessons Are Learned About Blue Mascara, Yelling, And Bitches

Just kidding, nobody learns anything.

This week: The cast heads to Key West, deemed by Whitney to be a shithole (the Florida Tourism Board thanks you, Whitney), to celebrate Cameran's birthday and her last hurrah before getting knocked up. Landon has what I can only describe as a full-on break-up with reality. Kathryn rolls her eyes and dances on a stage and refuses to engage Thomas's shittery. Shep apologizes to Chelsea and Austen. Naomie gives Craig, who somehow manages to be worse than usual this week, a delicious, creme-filled ultimatum. From the safety of his mom's lap, Gizmo schemes as to how he can destroy all humans and still manage to get snacks.

Grab your sun hat and water bottle full of vodka, fall off a hammock and yell at your friends, it's time to rank the crew in order of their behavior, from apologies to "apologies."

  1. Kathryn

    At this point, Kathryn has to know that every time a group event is organized, everyone attending it is expecting her to have a high-level meltdown, and she's become very determined to not give them what they want. In the face of Landon's entirely fucked-up strategy reversal/brain explosion, and Thomas's ridiculous and bratty attempt to trap her into yelling at him, she refuses to engage. She is, of course, onto Landon, indicting her earnest and whiny "apology" as fake. Also excellent: the fact that her apology to Whitney is so offensive to Snowden that she gets up and leaves the table, and that during Craig's stupid attempt to broker peace, we are once again blessed by this face.

  2. Cameran

    Before they leave for Key West, Cameran invites Kathryn over, because apparently she's impressed by the changes she's made, and they briefly discuss babies:

    Kathryn: Blah blah you make one with your husband and God! MOM FIVE!

    Cameran: Jason was a troll of an infant!

    Cameran asks how the hell Kathryn and Landon got to be so mad at each other. Kathryn says it's because Landon went with Thomas to a fancy weekend at a plantation (slavery is glamorous!) after Kathryn and Thomas had been broken up for maaayyybe 12 hours, and it was a trip they'd planned for themselves that was supposed to be romantic and shit. Cameran is aghast, as she should be, and says that she's thinking of Landon in a different light now. I had suspected that Cameran was pulling back from Landon, what with all the eye-rolling she's been doing this season whenever her name is mentioned.

    In Key West, Cameran flounces around the beach in her pre-pregnant state in an adorable bathing suit, at first seemingly oblivious to the shitshow she is entertaining by bringing all of these people together in a place where there are alcohol and water and hammocks, which I hear are excellent for wrapping dead bodies in.

  3. Chelsea

    Chelsea eats peanut butter out of the jar like a hero, while Shep apologizes to her and she tells him how messed up he is for being afraid of intimacy. She says he made her feel like one of the girls who call him when they're in town, and she's not "that kind of girl." What kind of girl is that? The kind with a flexible schedule?

    In the car on the way to Kiawah to meet Austen's parents, Chelsea renegs on her claim that Shep grabbed her, enraging Austen. He assumes it's because Chelsea talked to Shep that she's now changing the story to make it sound like Shep wasn't being all demanding and entitled, and he yelled at Shep under false pretenses.

    Bitches always be changing their stories, right? Chelsea is allowed to feel however she wants about whatever happened, but I guess there are consequences when you tell people things? This whole situation is exhausting.

    In Key West, Chelsea tells Landon that if she were in Kathryn's situation, she would have been upset also, and Landon, of course, behaves in the manner of a rabid mongoose. Chelsea doesn't retaliate, although if she had, it would have been more than understandable, considering she was just told to "grow up" by a spoiled child. Later, Chelsea watches Landon attempting to canoodle with Austen on a hammock, she concludes that Landon doesn't care about female friends. I wasn't sure how I felt about Chelsea, and I'm still not sure, because we've so seldom gotten to see her separate from the Austen/Shep situation, but I am into her really hard this week for seeing right through Landon and not giving her a hall pass just because they're on vacation together, or because for the next ten minutes, they have friends in common.

  4. Shep

    I have this theory that Shep has been wearing sweaters over collared shirts in the last couple of episode because they make him look not just younger, but non-threatening, considering that grabbing a woman and trying to kiss her more than once after she said no is actually threatening behavior. (Ask a woman.) At Chelsea's house, Shep is once again clad in such an ensemble, and while he apologizes to her, he could have done a better job, instead of attributing his behavior to his masculinity and his inability to not drink for ten minutes.

    On the beach, Shep apologizes to Austen, who says that Shep made a move on Chelsea, because she's a beautiful girl (Shut up, Austen.), and what hurt him most was that Shep essentially threw away their friendship. As an offering, Shep brought Austen a white shirt with a fish on the back, and he has the same one in black. References to white supremacy are made - Shep is black and evil, Austen is white and pure. Hahahaha. Let us bow our heads and pray for an invasion of great white land sharks.

  5. Thomas

    I assumed this would be yet another episode in which Thomas would do gross things and I would continue to hate him, and I was right, of course. See: Thomas giving Cameran advice on how to get pregnant ("Find out when you're ovulating, then tell him to shoot it in there like three times"), telling Landon that Kathryn is a child compared to her, and trying to get Kathryn to come at him by apparently having an inappropriate person watch their kids ("This 20-year-old girl is more mature than you") and then accusing Kathryn of yelling at him, which she was not, unless you consider speaking in an even tone yelling, which I'm sure Thomas does, especially when women do it.

    Thomas is stunned by Landon's absolute departure from reality, which she blames on him, and, to his credit (yes, I do hate myself for writing that), he recognizes that these are enormous red flags and that he should get way far away from Landon and her "agenda" as soon as possible. I hate when people who are sacks of actual hot garbage are right, even once, but also, it's nice to see Thomas's dreams, however brief, of LaRav crushed like those Volvo-sized bugs I hear live in Florida.

  6. Craig

    Perhaps it is the paranoid Jewess in me, but watching Craig design a supply of onesies for a baby who is not yet conceived gives me the creeps. Also, what if Cameran can't get pregnant or changes her mind or something happens to the baby? What if I never want Craig to do anything nice for anyone because he is made of butts?

    When Naomie comes home from a long day of being functional, she and Craig discuss how crappy their relationship is and if going on vacation will make it better or worse. (Spoiler alert - worse!) Craig says that when they're in Charleston, Naomie is stressed out all the time, and she says that's because she's busy. She's so tired of him, and he still continues to refuse to take any responsibility for anything. They agree that if they're crappy to each other in Key West, they should just break the hell up. Yay!

    At dinner in Key West, Craig orders wine in a beer glass, which...what? But also, it's about to get so much worse. Kathryn and Landon's summit, is at first is brief because it was foisted upon them by Whitney and because they are at a meal with everyone they know, Craig decides it's not good enough and they have to get it all out, and tries to get them to talk about what they don't like about each other. Dani thinks this is a bad idea, because it is, and tells Craig as much, and he tells her to shut up because she's in the way. She retorts that he's going to lose a lot of friends if he doesn't cut it out. Don't worry, he doesn't.

    Craig cannot handle the fact that his infringement is actually making things worse, so, in the manner of internet trolls, it's time to make this about gender. "Go ahead and fight, girls handle emotional issues so much better than guys!" Then he refers to them all as children, because squawking and shouting are things that adults do.

    Predictably, Naomie is embarrassed, and she tells Craig, who proceeds to lean in all creepily and say that if she continues to correct him, they should separate tonight. (Sep-a-rate! Sep-a-rate!) When Cameran tells Craig that Naomie isn't correcting him, he asks her if she dates her dad, because he doesn't want to date his mom. Just so you know Craig doesn't have an Oedipus problem? Shut up.

    So, in summation: Women are either mothers, who criticize and nag, or girlfriends, who should fuck you without asking anything of you, ever, and if they do, you should get rid of them immediately, because who wants to fuck his mom? No one. (Ed Gein, but that's a different show.)

  7. Landon

    In case, for some reason, you are actually new here and have chosen this particular episode of Southern Charm to start with (in which case, please justify this decision to me immediately), you should know that the behavior exhibited by Landon in this episode up until dinner is how it's been for the last two seasons, i.e., calling Kathryn crazy, manipulative, and trashy, demanding an apology when she's the one who's wrong, telling everyone that Kathryn just needs to be mad at someone because she hates her life, accusing her of not wanting to get her children back, and yelling at Chelsea for empathizing with Kathryn even in the slightest manner. The part where Landon flirts with Austen and tells him how lonely and codependent she is is also vintage Landon, but then, and I am attributing this break with reality on whatever is in Landon's blue mascara, everything goes totally off the goddamn rails.

    Whitney, who claims he's been practicing "transcendental meditation" (dude, you're mispronouncing "drugs"), literally puts Landon down in the seat next to Kathryn and says they have things to discuss. Kathryn, who I would imagine is exhausted by all of this at this point, says that she wants to leave the past in the past. Landon says she does as well. No one loses their temper? It's all very reasonable? Landon apologizes, but it is so 900% unhinged. She's talking at this super-high volume and making too much eye contact and crying, and then she says some shit about how they're women and they're all they have, and blames Thomas for using her as a weapon against Kathryn. (.....) And then there is hugging. And then Landon tells Thomas that she and Kathryn have no problems with one another, it's everyone else's bullshit that's in the way.

    What happened? Did Landon decide that since everyone was siding with Kathryn and starting to hate her for being Austen's barnacle that she should just ingratiate herself to Kathryn in the grossest, fakest way possible? Are she and Thomas role-playing? Is this a sex thing? Is it??? WHAT THE HELL IS IN THAT BLUE MASCARA?

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