On Southern Charm, Thomas Can't Hold A Candle To Patricia And Her Caftans

A polo match results in a giant, steaming pile of nope.

It should be known that I rolled my eyes so hard at certain points in this week's episode that I think I might have sprained the sockets, which has heavily influenced the rankings you will find below. Landon golfs with her father and cries. Because he's suddenly a Rockefeller in his plaid blazer with enormous shoulder pads, Craig buys Naomie a wicked expensive "promise" ring. Cameran eats fried chicken with Shep, and they discuss real estate and lady-banging. Patricia accidentally buys 144 inflatable flamingos and accepts an enormous candle from Thomas that smells a lot like desperation and bullshit. Kathryn goes to a polo match, uses a Port-a-Potty, cries, and then drives two hours home.

And now, the behaviors, ranked from least crappy to most!

  1. Craig
    Craig has a series of ridiculous blazers (fine, maybe only one, but it is RIDICULOUS), and a day job -- and, Cameran suspects, the knowledge that Naomie is very, very far out of his league, so he's going to nail it down with a ring. It's not an engagement ring, it's a promise ring. I'm pretty sure we've seen this kind of thing on Teen Mom multiple times, which means this will totally work out. Also, suddenly Craig has $2500 to drop on said ring? I don't know, I guess we're just supposed to be glad he's not day drinking anymore.
  2. Shep
    Shep and Craig could have been tied this week, but Shep was a tad more entertaining, what with his admitting that he only gets up early for various hunting activities and sex -- which, if you're Shep, can also be considered a hunting activity. He already has a buttload of money, but he's interested in getting another buttload, apparently, because he and Cameran are possibly going to sell houses together. He shows up to lunch with Cameran and Dani puffy-eyed, the result of a night of drinking and lady times. Never change, Shep.
  3. Landon
    Landon goes golfety-golf-golfing with her dad, during which she swears a lot, drinks a Bloody Mary, and asks him for money. She interviews that she's in her thirties and living by herself for the first time, which I was kind of about last season when she moved onto a boat after divorcing her husband and disappointing her mother. This season, though, it seems less about rebellion and more about never wanting to be uncomfortable, which is ironic, considering she left behind a dude who had a whole bunch of money (and was once married to Stacey Dash). Landon's dad is all, "I totally want you to attain your dreams and shit, but you have to figure out how to take care of yourself. Now stop crying and finish your alcoholic beverage, because this is the South and we are on a golf course."
  4. Cameran
    I will give Cameran nine thousand invisible dollars to stop mentioning the words "potential" and "Shep" in the same sentence. For someone who talks so much about being a "modern Southern woman," she's annoyingly obsessed with Shep growing up and becoming someone's husband. I would greatly welcome the revelation that Shep has been a serial killer for years, but I don't think we're heading there, so leave the dude alone and let him live.
  5. Kathryn
    Like every person in her early twenties with one and a half kids, Kathryn would like to move out of her parents' house/plantation. (Ah, the treatise to be written on the race politics of this show. Coming soon.) Kathryn asks Thomas to co-sign a lease for her, which he agrees to do, despite the fact that she's not overcome with lust at the two votive candles he lit just for her. I am not on the team who thinks Kathryn's manipulating Thomas, because it's so obvious T-Rav is well aware of what's happening and is fully amenable to being manipulated, including the part where he volunteers to talk to Patricia about Kathryn's exclusion from the flamingo party.

    Later, Kathryn and Jennifer Snowden and the Child Kensington road-trip to Thomas's plantation, where he's playing polo. I am also not in the "Kathryn is Crazy" camp, but she is definitely not the most cooperative in this situation, and it's not very clear why, although apparently she feels like what was supposed to be a family outing is actually an ambush because of the presence of JD and Elizabeth? I don't know if it's her pregnancy bladder or pee rage or what, but I am pretty impressed that she used a Port-a-Potty, even if, afterward, she put Kenzie in the car and fled.

  6. Patricia
    God, what a delightful drinking game Patricia makes. Caftan? Drink! Animal-print furniture? Drink! Presence of butler? Drink! Inspired by an afternoon at the pool, during which she was likely pretty sauced, Patricia felt inspired to throw a flamingo-themed party, and proceeded to accidentally order 144 inflatable baby flamingos, because a true Southern lady can't be trusted to internet alone. We won't see said flamingo fiesta until next week, but in the meantime, a caftan-clad Patricia receives T-Rav (dirty) in her library, which has red walls and a leopard-print chair and a pillow depicting a pug dressed in a suit. (I have it on good Instagram authority that, somewhere in Patricia's house, there is a pug-themed room. If nothing else, the lady knows what we want.) Thomas sucks up to Patricia vacuum-style, bringing her a candle the size of a keg and telling her how fabulous she is, as if she didn't already know. Patricia will not be persuaded to invite Kathryn to her party, though, which brings me to the reason for her high ranking this week: her statement that Kathryn should be at home taking care of babies and not concerned about being invited to parties. She left out the part where Kathryn will be branded with the letter A and forced to walk through the streets of Charleston, before being banished to an attic, and kept in stocks, made to give birth without pain medicine while biting down on a towel and then tossed into an ice bath after the emergence of T-Rav's heir.
  7. Thomas
    I hate Thomas and his stupid polo matches and his stupid Chelsea Houska face exfoliator and the fact that he'd rather act like an MRA in every episode instead of getting a lawyer and working out a custody agreement with Kathryn. At the end of this episode, Thomas announces that, since Kathryn left the match with Kenzie, he was going to make sure she couldn't move out of her parents' house, whilst tossing his sweaty and probably horse-y smelling shirt on the ground for someone else to deal with. I can't decide if it's better or worse that he's faux-cooperating with her; either way, it's gross to watch, but at least when they weren't talking, there's less chance that he'll be able to sleaze on her.
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