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On Southern Charm, Shep Tries To Pull Off His Own Face, Is All Of Us

No one wants Shep's help, or knows they're on TV.

This week: A contrite Kathryn and a newly shorn Dani discuss Kathryn's foray into the rehab, as well as the time she passed that drug test. Jennifer Snowden has ten thousand baby clothes for her recent spawn, and Cameran continues her relentless quest to narrow Shep's banging to one specific person. Landon is disorganized and pissy. Thomas is gross, Naomie does adult stuff, and Shep gossips, goes on a date, and probably hits it (sexually). Craig acts like a childish butt whilst pulling Gizmo around in a wagon.

Here are your human and animal residents of Charleston, in order from least odious to most.

  1. Gizmo

    I only recently became aware of Gizmo's existence after looking at Naomie's Instagram (what, you think you're better than me?), and I feel assured that he is the best thing that has and will ever happen to this show, with the population of Patricia's menagerie a close second, and even then, I'm a cat person, don't @ me. In the short montage with which the editors have gifted us this week, Gizmo vacillates between not giving 1/64th of a fuck, and loathing Craig in a special way that we can all learn from. He still understands that he can't murder Craig because someone has to feed him during the day, though. Keep reaching for the stars, Gizmo.

  2. Naomie

    Naomie remains lovely and normal-seeming and has no time for bullshit, but I seriously wonder how long it's going to be before she's over Craig's childishness and she and Gizmo hit the road. Or the show edits her into a corner in which she acts terrible and makes me hate her. In other words, I am clinging to hope, which will soon be taken from me.

  3. Shep

    So Shep met and is investing with some rich white dudes who own yachts and are definitely not the problem with the United States of America at ALL, and during a meeting of their cabal, dudes tell him that they hung out with Landon in Nantucket and she was completely ridiculous. She only hangs out with billionaires (not millionaires, they're trashy!), and she never has to worry about money because everything is always paid for. Even Whitney is appalled by this story, which is how you know it's real bad, but also, I suspect his reaction is more about the fact that Landon's claims of proximity to great wealth are a steaming pile of poo. He tells Landon that he knows all about what she said in Nantucket at the launch party or whatever the hell it is for Roam, along with reminding her that everything she's done is exactly what Lockhart wanted, and suggests she might want to consider being humble instead of acting like herself all the time (paraphrased). Maybe it wasn't the best time to mention all this to her, but there would never have been a good time, because Landon is Landon.

    At the batting cages, Shep and Craig hit things and then Shep interrogates Craig about all the lies he told about law school and then he informs him that he's off the text chain that he and Whitney and Cameran are on, and there is no colder wind. I'm not 100% on what this whole scene is for, other than to remind us of Craig's dillhole status, and Shep's ongoing frustration with him, and everyone else he's attempting to help in this episode, as is illustrated by his half-hearted hurling of a baseball at a tire.

  4. Cameran

    I am extremely into Cameran's "I have no maternal instinct, my womb is empty and I am joyful" storyline, especially the part where she handed Jennifer Snowden's new baby back to his nanny after holding him for 15 seconds (15 seconds longer than I would have lasted). I am not into her whole campaign to marry Shep off, which has been going on for three seasons now. People are complicated or whatever, but it's annoying how she doesn't seem to get that his disinterest in getting married is a lot like her disinterest in having a baby, and maybe they should just bond over queso about how they're both subverting social norms. Cameran spends the episode totally cramming Chelsea down Shep's throat, and not in a sexy way. I mean, I guess it's cool when your friends marry each other, but calm down, dude. Your time is way better spent making fun of Craig's Instagram, something we can all enjoy with you.

  5. Craig

    So Craig lied about law school, and everyone feels betrayed by it and skeptical of him in general, and he's like, "But whhyyyyyy?" He spends the episode being pouty and accusing Shep of not having a life, ergo being jealous of him. I could not care less about anyone on this show and their "job," so whether or not Craig hangs out all day is of no consequence, but I cannot handle his perpetual petulance about why his friends would be irked about his whole bar thing and also curious about whether or not he wants to be a lawyer. It's not weird to ask questions about it, but it is weird that Craig is so bratty and defensive. And by weird, I mean exhausting.

  6. Thomas

    Whitney and Larissa broke up when he finally realized she lives in Europe or when she realized she was dating Whitney, whichever happened first. Thomas responds to this news by telling Whitney to bang every woman in Charleston and its environs, and advocating that he do it in public.

    Thomas talks to himself in French about how awesome he is while getting ready for the Roam party, possibly oblivious to the large wet spot on his shirt.

    He says ridiculous things ("Persistence is omnipotent!"), and also, "People misread Landon, to their own detriment, but she can follow through and she does follow through." He wants to add "sexually" to the end of that sentence so badly, and I don't know what's stopping him, because throughout the party, he says things to Whitney such as, "Landon has some really good oral skills!" and laughs like the irredeemable bag of dicks that he is.

  7. Landon

    Roam is a travel website, I guess? It looks...like a website. I am unclear about what was so dreamy and personal about this pursuit, but whatever. Landon has an intern named Emma, and a business partner named Anna, who wrote all of the copy for the website. At the test run/party thing, Anna wears an enormous off-the-shoulder blouse, which would be good for stashing a charcuterie platter under, but also makes me worry about her proximity to fire at any given time. She lets Landon arrange the flowers and proceeds to take care of everything else important.

    Landon is doing this thing where she elongates the last part of every word, i.e. "Hiiiiiiiiiiiii," "So good to see youuuuuuuuuuu." It's as delightful as it sounds. Shep reminds her that the way the site looks now is how Lockhart Steele wanted it to, and she's like, "It exists! You can even look at it on your phone!" Oh my god. When Shep confronts her about the yacht dudes and what they said she said in Nantucket, she denies it, but then says that when she acts like a bitch, she gets called a bitch. (What?) She can't handle Shep making sense, so she interviews that Shep doesn't even have a job, and he's never had to answer to anyone, so he can go fuck himself. This after she just pointed out to Austen that Shep is a business owner, so again with the cameras and the recording and the people being able to see and hear you.

    Cut to Landon telling Anna her version of events, which is that Shep just called her a bitch. I hate that I have to put Landon above Thomas again this week, because it implies that her willful ignorance/inability to listen to people/laziness is worse that Thomas's jokey misogyny, but I wouldn't have to if Landon would stop acting like herself. Anyway, it's time to get a cab for Landon and Anna and Anna's giant shirt. Byeeeee!

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