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On Southern Charm, It's A Hot Night Of Cultural Appropriation And Swearing At Patricia's

Don't worry, everyone's still having the same argument they've been having for three seasons.

This week: Naomie and Craig go to therapy. Kenzie is escorted around Charleston by her father, the world's worst tour guide. Thomas tries to make his father care about his life. Austen and Chelsea discuss sex and also his dead sibling. Kathryn calls Whitney for some reason. Patricia throws an Indian-themed dinner party, and India would like its religions and cultures back immediately. A psychic tells Whitney he will one day sire a child and he dry-heaves. Landon flirts with Austen, Shep hates everyone, and at long last, we learn the origin of the dog caftan.

Refill your glasses and call your therapist -- here are the behaviors of our Charlestonians, in order of best to cursing at a dinner party.

  1. Shep

    I've decided to practice mindfulness in the sense that I am ignoring the whole Shep/Austen/Chelsea non-love-triangle triangle, except to say that I now fully believe that Shep is just messing with us and he actually does not have any interest in Chelsea, short of the fact that pretending he's into her even a little bit irritates Austen.

    Patricia throws a dinner party to honor her friends Georgette Mosbacher and also their dog caftan line (which they created together) and also India? There's a lot going on, including Georgette telling everyone it's bad manners to swear, which Shep does not give a fuck about. He is so sick of everyone's shit, particularly the shit of the Indian healer psychic whom Patricia has hired to tell everyone's fortunes/create drama. Angie the psychic tells Shep his greatest fear is being alone, and he's like, try again, my greatest fear is monotony, and also, the only thing he believes in is Bigfoot. (CALL ME, SHEP.)

    As soon as the conversation about Kathryn starts, Shep's foot starts vibrating because he's so irritated, and he declares that everyone is completely insane in thinking that Kathryn is trying to manipulate Whitney, and they should just let it go and forgive her. After the party wraps up, he calls Cameran out when she says she's never hung out with Kathryn, which we know is total garbage (see Seasons 1 and 2). This whole thing is so repetitive and exhausting, and it's nice to see someone acknowledging that it's not just drama generated by Kathryn, but the fact that no one else seems to be capable of letting it go or allowing for any growth or change on the part of anyone involved. (Although, to be fair, I have zero confidence in Thomas's capacity for evolution, and so does science.)

  2. Naomie

    I am honestly surprised that Craig agreed to go to therapy with Naomie, since he strikes me as the kind of person who views it as something only the weak do, but here they are, in the office of a dude named Ward, who has a fondness for flash cards and apparently doesn't mind his sessions being invaded by Bravo. During the session, Naomie seems to be totally honest, and still not tolerating Craig's shit, while he sits there and shakes his head and makes faces and accuses her of breaking the rule of fighting in public, whereas he never does. Naomie: "Are you high right now?" This whole show would be altogether different (read: better) if Craig were high, but alas.

    At Patricia's dinner party, Angie the psychic tells Naomie (who is wearing a sari) and Craig that they're soulmates who will be together forever. (Okay, Ang.) Maybe these two will make it,but I'm sure Angie was prepped as to who all these assholes are, and also, do we think she would tell a couple in the room that they were going to break up? I'm going with no, but I hope before Naomie left, Angie pulled her into a tight, perfumed embrace and whispered, "Run."

  3. Kathryn

    No one knows that Kathryn took JD and Elizabeth's advice and wrote Thomas a letter expressing a desire to productively co-parent, and I have feelings about how many times she uses the word "truly" in one paragraph, but I am a remorseless beast and have never written a letter to anyone in order to gain access to my non-existent children, so.

    At Chelsea's salon, which had better have a giant selection of snacks and alcohol in the back for all the emotional labor she puts in while styling people, Kathryn gets an imperceptible hair adjustment and recalls the Tales of Ravenel. She says everything Thomas does and says is kind of a trap, but also, Thomas doesn't feel worthy of love and she's glad she was able to give him a child so he could show his father what he did (ew).

    And this is where I start to worry, because while it's thrilling that she has Thomas's number re: his emotion feelings, she declares that he is "such an asshole, but he is such a good person," and also in the letter, she says she will always love him. Like, is this "I have made children with you, ergo, I will always love you," or "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU GET INSIDE ME"? It's always so precarious, I remain fearful.

  4. Craig

    Okay, before you read this, let me be clear: My loathing of Craig is firmly in place. The fact that he called Landon out and that he thinks people should stop treating Kathryn like the dead squirrel we have in our driveway that one of the cats killed doesn't excuse his behavior towards Naomie, it just means that even an immature misogynist clock is right twice a day.

    Did you know that you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone unless you trust them instinctually? I did not, but thankfully, Craig is here to clarify that all my feelings regarding trust being earned are total trash. He contradicts himself by accusing Naomie of yelling at him in public and saying he never does it, but then saying that he did, because she made him do it. I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't think relationships should be work, if trust is supposed to just be a thing you feel in your gut, and never question. It's such a childish view of intimacy that it makes me wonder if he actually has ever had a relationship before. I imagine when Ward heard there was a couple from a Bravo reality show was coming, he probably thought they were fighting about hair care or infidelity or something chill, and then these two walked in

    and now he can't stop making this expression, so his face will likely freeze this way.

  5. Cameran

    Cameran borrowed her friend's sari for Patricia's party, and honestly, I'm surprised she didn't draw a bindi on her forehead. Bravo insists on playing sitar music, although the only thing that is actually Indian-themed at the party is the food, Angie the healer, Michael's headwrap (noooooo), and Cameran and Landon looking ridiculous.

    I hate when Cameran is charming when I'm trying to be mad at her, but don't worry, I'm still mad at her. She refers to Thomas as Senator (ouch), and then says she wants a caftan with Whitney's face on it. I cannot imagine anything more terrifying, and also essential. The psychic tells Camera she's going to have three children, at which point, you can actually hear the door of Cameran's vagina slamming shut. (Although she's pregnant in real time, so apparently, someone left the key to her vagina under the mat.)

    When there are approximately 84 seconds left in the episode, Whitney decides to bring up the fact that Kathyrn called him, which everyone except Shep and Craig decide is sketchy and that she must have ulterior motives. A phone call still means the same thing, right? It hasn't changed while I've been rapidly aging? You still can decide whether or not to call someone back, and they can't make you do things you don't want to do by leaving them a voicemail? Just checking.

    Cameran looks like a jerk with amnesia when she declares that she's never hung out with Kathryn before, and an inconsistent jerk when she says everyone should stay out of Kathryn and Thomas's business while still continuing to shit-talk Kathryn and also suggesting that everyone ignore Kathryn's attempts to repair relationships, and saying that she doesn't like turmoil in her life (maybe get different friends and stop being on a reality show?), and a jerk without information when she says Kathryn should be reaching out to Thomas instead of Whitney, although that's not her fault, but shut up, I'm on a roll.

  6. Landon

    Apparently Charlotte, Landon's dog, is very old and may soon go fuzzily into that good night, leaving her owner all alone, so Landon had better find someone soon. And if that person is already kind of involved with someone (Austen), who cares! She and Austen hang out at a bar, where she tells him he has cute dimples, and does that "too bad you have a girlfriend" thing while Austen looks borderline afraid and interviews that "Landon likes to stir the pot." (Look, asshole, you're not off the hook here just because you have a dead sister. You are also capable of telling Landon to stop flirting with you and also leaving and going home.)

    Landon also wears a sari to Patricia's party, where Angie tells her that she has a soulmate connection with someone in the room. (Angie. What are you doing. Never mind, I know what you're doing.) Patricia looks smirky, but maybe her insides are clenching as she contemplates the reality what she may have wrought? Probably not, though.

    Of course Landon thinks Kathryn is trying to "social-climb" her way back into the group via Whitney, because Landon is obsessed with socially climbing, a.k.a. the thing she's trying to do. Even Whitney is aware that Kathryn, as someone in recovery, is working the 12 Steps, one of which is making amends, but because Landon is awful, she's decided it's about manipulation and not healing. During an argument about what "taking the high road" means, Landon says she has taken it so many times, and Craig says that actually, she never has. (I guess Craig watches this show.) Landon demands an apology, because, like Thomas, she is incapable of admitting her own wrong-doings or of even acknowledging them. She is all, "Words are words, actions are actions." What the hell does that even mean? She probably thinks she sounds wise or something, but actually, if she said "Refrigerators are refrigerators, litter boxes are litter boxes," it would have had the same effect.

  7. Thomas

    Thomas's father may not love him, but he sure does love the Confederacy, based on the fact that he has a giant "Museum of the Confederacy" sticker in his office. He also has a painting of Thomas when Thomas was a student at the Citadel hanging on his wall, in which Thomas has an extra long chin and tiny beady eyes. (I'm not saying it's not accurate.)

    Although Arthur does acknowledge Kenzie's superiority to her father (he calls her "the mighty Kenzie"), he and his son have a complicated relationship, Thomas always feels like he lets him down (he's probably not wrong), blah blah, a lot of people have family issues and they don't treat other people like sludge, I still don't feel bad for him.

    JD and his stupid vest stop by Thomas's office to hear all about the letter Kathryn sent him, and reports that when Kathryn came to see him and Elizabeth, she looked "well put together." (Shut up, JD.)

    Thomas tells JD that he's never heard Kathryn apologize. Really, bro? I'm pretty sure she has apologized to multiple people on multiple occasions, including you, but also, has Kathryn ever been wrong about anything she's ever accused you of? Thomas thinks Kathryn is probably trying to manipulate him via letter. Look, if the two of them are aware of this tendency to manipulate one another in the context of their relationship, fine. Thomas's behavior is not only never questioned, but he gets to keep all his friends and is told how awesome he is for literally taking his kid to school, while he devotes an astonishing amount of energy to making it seem like everything that has ever happened, probably including the JFK assassination, is Kathryn's fault, because she spends all her time casting spells and smearing her menstrual blood on unsuspecting passersby (which, by the way, I'm not against, I'm just pretty sure it's not happening).

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