On Southern Charm, Flamingos Drive A Golf Cart Right Through Your Soul

And other dispatches from the 144 Flamingo Experience.

We've been building up to this flamingo soiree for three episodes now, and finally, it is upon us. Shep wears a shirt he stole from a dead body circa 1972 and jumps into Patricia's pool in the tightest of briefs. Thomas hits on a college student, laughs about assault, and has words with his former mistress. Kathryn makes a small but disturbing appearance. Cameran is all blah blah babies babies look at my flamingo hat, hey I'm drunk! Craig is still terrible at paperwork and basic life skills, but excellent at bringing The Realness. Landon remains odious. Cooper, the inflatable flamingos, Patricia's dogs, and Kathryn's still gestating fetus will inevitably copilot the spacecraft that will destroy this planet.

And now, here are your behaviors, ranked from least crappy to most.

  1. Cooper
    I thought Cooper was going to be quietly awesome in the background this season, putting together fabulous galas and fashion shows that Landon could pretend to "work" on. In this episode, though, oh my god. Cooper approached Patricia at la fiesta de flamingo about the fact that she's been a little tepid towards him and he thought it might be about him bro-ing out with Kathryn. Patricia, wearing a pink kaftan and bangs resembling mine in seventh grade (trust me, this is a burn), tells Cooper it's fine, she's just been busy being herself, and he can be friends with whomever he wants. Cooper is totally onto her, though, and interviews that the reason Patricia is so loathsome about Kathryn is because she reminds her of herself at that age. In short, Patricia used to be beautiful and able to make heads swivel, but now, she's a decrepit harpy creature surrounded by pugs and expensive china. Never leave me, Cooper.
  2. Craig
    Not surprisingly, Craig totally lied about applying for the bar last season, so he did it this week, while Shep supervised and didn't let him Velcro his picture to the application. Later, he made migraine-y gestures while Landon shrilled about Kathryn being a psychopath, but he did not seize the wheel of her car and drive them both into the sea (river?). He apparently holds Kathryn and Thomas equally responsible for the mess they're in, which basically makes him the bell hooks of Charleston, at least in this situation. After he approached Thomas to find out if he visited Kathryn while she was in the hospital, he told the camera that the reason Thomas is so pissy at JSnow is because she was supposed to go away after they banged years ago, but she didn't; she stayed around and became friends with Kathryn. I am really into this illuminating shit-talking, especially when it comes from people we're supposed to write off as being tertiary/stupid.
  3. Shep
    Shep rolls his eyes while Craig ponders the merits of glue stick vs. Velcro, but he's not annoyed so much as he's imagining the moment when he'll remove his pink ruffled shirt from his dryer, iron it, and then use it to cover his lanky, sex-drenched man body, which is also minimally covered by a pair of briefs which may or may not have Garanimals on them. Later, he will leap into Patricia's flamingo-packed pool with the grace of a drunken gazelle, holding the hand of Brittany, who is gifted with the title of Shep's "friend," and wearing a headband with protruding flamingos. This is all to prepare him, and us, for the time when he'll get his tarot cards read by Patricia's totally legit fortune teller, whose breasts he stares at while Cameran makes snide remarks. Thank you and goodnight.
  4. Jennifer
    JSnow, as I will refer to her from this point on, showed up at Thomas's dinner party last season for his announcement that he was running for Senate hahahahahahahahahahahaaaa...sorry, I'm back now. Apparently, she and Thomas had some kind of thang in the past, but she and Kathryn hashed it out and now they're friends. JSnow showed up to Patricia's party and proceeded to argue with Thomas about whether or not she's a noxious beastwhore of a woman who wants to provoke Kathryn into early labor. On one hand, calling Kathryn from the party to report on her fight with Thomas when girl is supposed to not be stressing herself out was probably not the best move. On the other hand, she did advise Thomas (in an interview, because everyone is on an Anti-Confrontation Juice Cleanse this week) to "take a long hard look in the mirror and then run out in front of traffic."
  5. Kathryn
    Appearances by Kathryn are woefully spare this week, since she wasn't invited to the flamingo party and had been in the hospital, where she sat on a lily pad, undoubtedly enjoying IVs, paper sheets, and the soothing bleep of vital-sign monitoring while she Munchausen-ed it. She did call Thomas to report on the status of moving and le bebe Ravenel, and took him up on his offer to help her move, which he totally made hoping she'd say no, because no one wants to help anyone move, especially when there is definitely not going to be beer at the end. The last glimpse we get of the fiery queen this week is of a weird little smile after she hangs up with Thomas. I'm hoping it has something to do with painkillers.
  6. Cameran
    Cameran wears an enormous flamingo hat to the flamingo party, seemingly without any degree of self-consciousness. She falls into a bush contemplating what Shep must look like while sex-having, and then proceeds to question the abilities of Patricia's fortune teller while she fortune-tells. It's all delightful, but I can no longer listen to Cameran or her friends talk about babies, the baby train, the stalled baby train, the baby left alone on the railroad tracks, the question of who is conducting the baby train, whether or not the conductor of the baby train is sexually appealing, etc. I have reached Sammi Sweetheart levels of "STAHHPP."
  7. Patricia
    Before the 144 baby flamingos in her swimming pool can rise up and kill us all, Patricia reminds us that Cooper is "low-rent" and lurks around the perimeter of her party staring at JSnow and counting the seconds until the producers tell her she can evict her. She's not even charming this week. She is, however, "writing" a "book" about entertaining, which I will obviously be "reading" the shit out of.
  8. JD
    Your bow ties cannot not save you this time, bro. JD is very concerned that Thomas is being manipulated by Kathryn, since he has sired many children and was not nice to his wife during any of her four pregnancies, and she never ended up bleeding in a hospital, and she is all women. JD is also very amused by the prospect of Thomas throwing JSnow into Patricia's pool and incurring another assault charge, because assault is super-funny and charming.
  9. Thomas
    I don't care what anyone says -- Thomas and Landon had the Sex, and you can't make me believe otherwise. They might still be having the Sex, what with her close proximity to his new house and her owning a golf cart, which everyone knows are the sexiest of vehicles. There is so much to hate about TRav this week, including the fact that he basically told his friend Josh that he was allowed to sex it with Landon, and his reference to the Ravenel fetus as the "unformed child within" Kathryn. (Ew.) There was also the use of a pick-up line that is so nonsensical even Whitney reprimanded him for it, and, of course, the fact that he is now chiefly relating to Kathryn as the carrier of his seed, and not as a human, because women are merely luggage in which to pack sperm until it is ready to burst free in the form of a man child. Excuse me, I have to go shower now.
  10. Landon
    I wouldn't normally begrudge anyone the opportunity to go to a spa in the middle of the day, since I myself have been known to quit life at 3 PM on a Tuesday in favor of naps and cat-petting. I do, however, wish to begrudge Landon all that is good in the world because she suuuuuuucks. She is firmly ensconced in the "Kathryn is an unhinged manipulator" camp, so much so that she actually believes Kathryn faked bleeding and high blood pressure and fetal risk to get attention. This surely has something to do with coitus-ing with Thomas, but I'm also starting to think she just hates other women, since she also believes JSnow is just a crusty, bitter hag who has nothing better to do than cause trouble between Thomas and Kathryn. I will kidnap your dog, Landon. I will probably get caught eventually, because I'm bad at crime, but I'll do it.
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