Lord, Please Step And Release Naomie from Craig On Southern Charm
And, in not news, Craig is useless to everyone.
This week: Chauncy the pug is getting round as hell, and I celebrate it. Whitney herds animals while Patricia is out of town. Naomie hates Craig so much, but then she loves him again. Austen woos Chelsea. Cameran goes to the gym, Kathryn tries to get a modeling job, and Thomas maybe wears Kenzie's glasses to work? (That is not parenting, bro. I don't know what it is, but it's not parenting.) Gizmo remains huge, orange, and fabulous. Landon and Craig eat a delicious charcuterie platter and whine about Shep, who lifts some girl named Daisy onto a shelf in order to try to make out with her, and then peaces out to go to a wedding, but not before he brings us Walker, in all his mullet-y, ironic (please God, let it be ironic) glory.
And now, your citizens of Charleston, ranked in order of "reasonable" to Craig.
The fact that Naomie did not full-on murder Craig in this episode is a testament to her patience, and also, to the fact that her boyfriend should be murdered. Naomie pulls off the charity thing basically by herself -- or, at least, with little help from Craig. She sees through all of his garbage, and calls him on it. It seems like Naomie gets that not just Craig, but dudes in general, tend to take credit for things done by the silent labor of others (for example, women): "It works out because there's always someone behind you, Craig, picking up the slack and making sure that it's okay." Also notable: Naomie's absolute intolerance for Hashtag New Craig referring to himself as Mr. Craig. Mr. Craig is a mess, but Naomie loves him anyway. FOR NOW.
In an adult conversation with Naomie, Shep tells her that the way he is with Craig is just how he is. He thinks that people need to be told that they're fucking up: that's friendship. Again, I maintain that Shep was not mean to either Landon or Craig, and it's not weird to wonder what's going on with your friends when they're acting like toddlers on meth (ish). I'm not thrilled about the fact that Shep might have gotten drunk and told Whitney that he had sex with Chelsea, but also, I don't care about that storyline. The great accomplishment re: Shep-capades this week is that Shep has brought Walker, his serious mullet, and his sweater, into our lives, if only for a short time.
What do I have to do to get Austen ousted and replaced with Walker?
It chills me to the bone to have Whitney this close to the top of the odious list, and it might have to do with the fact that we talk to animals in the same way. ("Zen, zen, my dogs," "Is this one hundred percent necessary?") I also really like Cameran and Whitney's relationship, for some reason, and yes, it's possible I have a head injury. Whitney also looks absolutely disgusted watching Thomas crawling all over some ladies at the bar, and he and Austen and Austen's stupid hair narrate the full cock block that occurs when Bree comes to pilfer Daisy from Thomas's sweaty arms. I would not be disappointed if this is all we got from Whitney from now on. It would be a refreshing change from last season, when he played the role of a sentient herpe.
Am I supposed to be furious about Austen and Chelsea flirting and probably busting up Cameran's plan to get Chelsea and Shep together? Because I'm not. I do not care about this storyline. I don't even care that Shep told Whitney he and Chelsea banged, which under other circumstances would send me into a rage spiral, but it's just so boring. Maybe it would be different if either Chelsea or Shep seemed intensely interested in the other, but that is not the world we are living in. Cameran's hair looks extremely good these days, but it is not enough to forgive her for once again regaling Thomas for doing the bare minimum in life. Thomas tells Whitney that he's in search of a grownup lady to be a stepmother to les babes Ravenel, and Cameran's all, oh my god, you are a hero. (From my notes: "CAMERAN STOP IT STOP IT NOW")
I don't need Cameran to have a storyline, I would be fully content to watch her eat fried shrimp and Taco Bell all day, and the fact that we haven't had a spinoff called Cameran Unapologetically Eats Delicious Snacks is quietly killing me.
Landon does three things in this episode: eats meat with Craig (dirty), complains about Shep, and acts like she doesn't know Thomas is trying to get inside her. At lunch with meats (it is seriously the most robust charcuterie platter ever created), she continues on her "Shep hurt me" rant, and Craig -- who also feels that he's been injured egregiously by Shep -- enables her. I hope the meat makes her really tired and she stops talking.
Later, Landon interviews that her feelings were hurt when everyone thought she was trying to get with Thomas, and she's tired of "hiding out," so she's going to organize his
White People Partypolo match, which probably means Anna will be doing everything.
How many times this season are we going to have to watch Thomas get dressed and talk to himself in the mirror? So far it's been twice, and that is too much. It's not the same thing as watching Shep iron whilst shirtless, editors. It's not the same at all.
Thomas is trying to bang Landon. It's on. He invites her over to ask her if she'll plan his polo match party or whatever, and when she gets there, she comments that it's the first time she's been there since the dinner party when he kicked everyone out. Landon tells him that there are a lot of calories in Coke (shut up, Landon); he says there are other ways to burn calories, and then offers her a "cock...tail napkin." (Did I hallucinate that pause, or was it really there?) The cock...tail napkins say "TRav" on them, because Thomas is a gajillionnaire and who cares.
Outside, Thomas could not be less subtle about his intentions with Landon, and she acts like she has no idea what's happening. Landon: "You're just looking for a friend!" And Thomas is like, SEXUALLY, except he doesn't say it. He puts on his sunglasses and speaks gross French and they make faces at each other and I shriek into the bowels of my empty home. It is sleazy and ridiculous, and they totally deserve each other, but the worst part is how Thomas pretends none of it is happening outside of his house. (See earlier, at the bar, when he tells Shep and Walker that he's not interested in Landon that way, he respects her, shut up Thomas.)
In the days of yore, I'm pretty sure I saw a Mitt Romney sticker on Craig's fridge, which is when I realized he was capable of deep nefariousness. He spends this entire episode going on about how he's a victim because Shep said words to him, or how he's superior because he can reason stress away, as opposed to Naomie, who has a problem because she doesn't want her large-scale charity event to fail. Read: women are hysterical creatures innately lacking in reason who just she-beast around all day shrilling and bleeding on men. From my notes:
Craig to Naomie: "I'm finishing this stuff while you're being moody."
Me: OH HELL NO
Craig also likens his relationship with Shep to that of an abused wife, which is so off-kilter and gross and ridiculous that I'm mad at myself for even acknowledging it. Gizmo, who stalks across the bed orangely while Craig has a cardiac episode over the printer, is our only hope of rescue from this tyranny.