In Which A Seemingly Reasonable Human Assumes Her Role In Initiating The Apocalypse On Southern Charm

Be careful whom you sit next to at dinner: she might convince you to bang Thomas.

This week: Shep, who is back to drinking thirty-five beers a day, makes everyone have lunch and deal with themselves. Cameran and Chelsea attempt to construct a storyline out of going to HomeGoods. Craig does the thing he was supposed to do like three years ago and expects Naomie to be proud of him. Landon and Thomas have dinner with an enthusiastic eavesdropper. Chelsea cuts Shep's hair, again. Austen and Craig play golf, Saint turns one, Kathryn eats cake, and Thomas's father loves his dental health more than he does his son.

Get your cat a snack, finish law school for real this time, and bring an uninvited guest to lunch! Here are our comrades (and an interloper) in order of behavior this week, from not even pretending to care -- in a good way -- to being a Southern woman who has Seen Some Things.

  1. Naomie

    Craig and Naomie go to dinner so he can tell her all about finishing law school (he leaves out the part where Gizmo got celebratory treats, which is all that really matters), and her reaction is perfect for someone who is entirely fed up with Craig wanting acknowledgement: "It feels good to actually do what you're supposed to do, doesn't it?" Then she tells him that had he not gotten his act together (arguable), they wouldn't still be dating, and Craig seems legitimately confused that his awesomeness might not be enough to keep Naomie around. When he realizes she's not going to go down on him right there in the restaurant because she's so into him for graduating law school, he gets all sulky: "Well, I did actually do it." Naomie: "That's what I just said." She's getting so good at handing him his ass and insisting on better communication. I'm still not sold on them in the long term because Craig sucks so much, but other people's happiness or something, whatever, who cares.

  2. Kathryn

    If I were Kathryn (shut up and go with it), I would have, at this point, taken my fabulous hair and my assortment of yoga clothes and Kenzie and Saint (only if I had to) and fled Charleston for a magnificent house in the woods surrounded by water and mutant alligators who can only be soothed by Mallomars and the sound of my voice. If there was no way I could avoid going to lunch with Craig and Cameran (going with Shep would be fine), I would go with a taser, which I would turn on Cameran the second I realized she brought Whitney.

    After muttering, "What the fuck?," Kathryn allows Whitney to acknowledge his past mistakes, but when Cameran announces that Whitney is in love, she's not about to miss an opportunity, and asks, "With what?" Instead of resulting in a Real Housewives-style meal in which people eat nothing, drink the bar, and then stomp out, the lunch actually seems like it might have been nice, although it probably disbanded right after the cameras left. (Friendship!)

    Later, Kathryn meets Elizabeth on Saint's birthday, where they eat cake and she reads the clumsily written letter from Thomas. I don't know how Kathryn gets out of bed in the morning given the circumstances, let alone puts on lipstick and fancy coats. I remain perplexed that she hasn't murdered Thomas (yet). Maybe she has, and what we're seeing is actually a clone? Maybe there's a secret cloning lab in Shep's basement? And the season finale will be Clone Thomas's body disintegrating into a pool of sludge while everyone dances around it joyfully with torches.

  3. Whitney

    I am in an actual emotional uproar about this week's ranking, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I've spent a lot of this weekend watching shows about murderous children and everything to do with Whitney messing with my mind. He's been doing it this entire season, but this week, he actually goes to lunch with Kathryn and Shep and Craig and Cameran and acts like a human who feels bad about what an insufferable asshat he's been for his entire life. He even suggests to Thomas that Kathryn deserves a second chance? The next thing that happens is that he throws acid in her face, right? Is this Whitney realizing that everyone hates him, so he's going to pretend to be reasonable? I hope that this is an indication that this season will culminate in an uprising against Thomas, obviously led by Kenzie, flanked by Saint and Charlotte.

  4. Shep

    Oh, Shep. Shephard Sheplington of the Sheppington Sheppers. How mixed is your bag, my lanky friend. By which I mean, how clear is your thinking and then how ridiculous is your behavior twenty minutes later.

    On one hand, we have the dude who, after drinking what looks like a case of Bud
    Light, has the presence of mind to point out, once again, that there is a double standard in the way Kathryn is treated and rigs up this whole lunch situation in order to rectify the wrong that's been done to Kathryn, and doesn't throttle Cameran for bringing Whitney along.

    On the other hand, Shep makes his way to Chelsea's salon to invite to cut his hair (again, because along with cloning, he's also developed the ability to grow his hair extra-quickly for nefarious purposes) and invite her to have a drink with him. I think the switch may have flipped for Shep, sexually, once Chelsea said she didn't want to get married, and he decided to believe that meant that she and Austen wouldn't work out and therefore he should just go for it? It is worth mentioning that when Shep asks her out, Chelsea's excuse is that she's still on the clock, not that she's in a thing with Austen. This is not cool, both because it's shady and because I'm being forced to acknowledge this "plot" again.

  5. Cameran

    Cameran, for some reason, does not believe she has chosen a side in the Kathryn/Thomas situation, which can be disproven easily by the fact that she constantly hangs out with Thomas, praises him for "parenting," and has taken every possible opportunity to remind us that she thinks Kathryn is manipulative. The fact that she agrees to go to Shep's lunch might have convinced me she was ready to move past it, but then she had to go and bring Whitney. Why are you trying so hard to ruin what we once had, Cameran?! I mean, why are you trying to create drama? Also, am I the only one who hears the word "lunch" and immediately wants lunch? No? Good.

  6. Landon

    Landon forgot to check if any other things -- perhaps travel websites -- were called Roam, and it turns out that they are, so she has to find a new name for her website. Whoops? Also, who cares. She tells Drew that her loins are yearning to bear fruit and all she wants is someone to walk her dog with her, but not Drew, because he's too young for her, and he's like, yeah, and calm down. Please run away while you have the chance, Drew. I think I can speak for America when I say we will all be very upset if you show up crying in Landon's bushes at any point in the future.

    Landon and Thomas go to dinner, where she makes him so nervous that he knocks over a wine glass. (It's not cute.) She says that they would be perfect together
    if he were twenty years younger and didn't have two children and a crazy baby mama. (Feminism thanks you again for your contributions, Landon.) Although she apparently went into this situation thinking that she was going to convince Thomas that they should just be friends, she is easily swayed by the input of the person ranked at the bottom of the list this week, whom I would like to have taken care of, and not in the "give her a luxurious spa day" kind of way. Can Landon and Thomas's clone just get to it already, if they're going to? It's not like any of us have control over our lives anyway. What?

  7. Thomas

    We are miraculously spared the "Thomas gets ready for an evening out" montage, in which he zips his pants, combs his hair, says something in French, and then salutes and/or shoots air guns at the mirror. Instead, he shows up at dinner with Landon, bumbles around, spills wine, says gross things such as "I like it spicy," and reminds us that he is a rich white dude who has, in many ways, escaped the consequences of his action when he interviews that if he cared about what everyone thought about him, he'd never leave the house. He might also have convinced Landon to stop caring what people think of her and just bone down with him, which might be the worst thing he's ever done. Just kidding. No "might": it definitely is.

    This week on "Everything I Do Is Fine Because My Father Doesn't Love Me," Thomas appears emotionally destroyed when Arthur tells him he can't come to Saint's birthday party because he has this dental procedure scheduled. I don't know, Thomas, plan ahead? He's all sad because he doesn't have a partner in planning the party, outside of Deidre, another nanny he's hired so he'll never have to do any of the gross stuff involved in parenting his own children. I'm not saying he and Kathryn have to plan the party together, but the fact that he's debating inviting her to her own son's party, and that Kathryn is not apparently seeing Saint on his actual birthday, is just stupid and cruel. Later, he tells Whitney that "someone's DNA doesn't change after thirty days in rehab." Apparently not, bro. APPARENTLY NOT.

  8. Invasive Restaurant Lady

    Welcome to where I keep the worst of the worst, Invasive Restaurant Lady. I don't care how long you've been married, or if it's to that guy sitting across from you who seems like he's trying to text his way into the table in order to get away from you, or if you were nabbed by Bravo earlier in the evening and promised free drinks to tell Thomas and Landon that they should "get it done," which by the way, ew. You are the actual worst because (a) everyone eavesdrops, but only ridiculous people actually involve themselves in the conversation; (b) you made Landon put her "pensive" face on, and that is her worst face; and (c) you have attributed a level of importance to this drivel that it in no way deserves. For that, Invasive Restaurant Lady, you are dead last this week. I hope you feel good about yourself for beating out Thomas AND Landon AND Craig AND making me even more paranoid about strangers in public. Also, enjoy partying with the AntiChrist, because you've definitely invoked him.

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