Hold Onto Your Crappy Bourbon And Unfounded Grudges, The (Other) Ravenel Baby Is Here On Southern Charm

Per usual, the sound of whining Southern men breaks all of our waters.

While Shep and Craig attempt to convince chicks of their bang-worthiness in L.A., Whitney horrifies Larissa with the concept of a promise ring, and Cameran does not throw Landon into a vat of candle wax, although she does convince her that admitting her feelings for Shep is a good thing to do on television. Cooper and Kathryn visit a spa, where he reminds her that Thomas is basically her third child. Danni and Naomie eat snacks on the way to the Gentry Bourbon launch and listen to Craig complain about how people want him to do things. JD is too busy concocting his misogynist conspiracy theories to fire Craig's ass. Thomas cradles the freshly birthed manifestation of his hopes and dreams and ponders how he might be able to seem like an involved parent and also get with the nearest maternity ward nurse.

And now, a ranking of the Charmed ones, and their actions, from best to worst.

  1. Cooper
    Cooper and his loosened bow tie take a scarily pregnant Kathryn to a spa, where he reminds her that Thomas is a cad who can't handle responsibility and, to borrow a phrase from the Situation, will play her the fuck out. This happens while he drinks whiskey, eats a fancy cheese platter, and gets a foot rub. The fact that I was forced to watch him get a foot rub, by the way, almost earned him the number one ranking this week, but lucky for Cooper, he was saved by the fact that other people on this show consistently behave like sociopathic nursery-schoolers.
  2. Kathryn
    After panic-attacking her way through a coffee date with Thomas and giving a shout-out to Pitocin, Kathryn admits to being terrified at the prospect of parenting TRav II alone, and then listens to Thomas whine about how he's really overwhelmed, only to duck out 45 minutes into their meeting. Later, she tells Thomas about how she threw up on the couch right next to where he's sitting and eating what is most certainly Chef Boyardee, and looks like she's enjoying the hell out of watching him squirm. Thomas asks her if she wants him to stay the night and she's all, no, sperm donor, pick me up in the morning. The two of them gaze fondly at Kathryn's fancy hospital suitcase and there's a lot of thoroughly unnerving touching. I'm pretty sure Thomas isn't there so they can bang it out while they still only have one kid, but I'm not actually sure, because Thomas.

    Later, as Kathryn waits for Ravenel fruit to sail from her loins (that's what labor is like, right? Sailing?), she eats Lucky Charms and we get a solid view of TRav II's ultrasound, which, when I saw it the first time, looked like it had some enormous teeth that were taking up the entire picture. Six hours later, TRav II emerges, without enormous teeth, just the shrinky-fingered horror that is a newborn baby.

  3. Cameran
    Cameran is barely in this week's episode, but it's long enough to go candle-making with Landon, needle her about her non-job, remind viewers that Landon was once a kept woman, get Landon to admit that she's bad at relationships because she's been holding out for Shep, and collect her huge wad of cash from the producers for foisting this awkward and thoroughly unpleasant storyline onto viewers. It's great, though, to watch Cameran make Landon uncomfortable, even if it means giving credence to the Shep/Landon shippers, whom I look forward to disappointing.
  4. Thomas
    Thomas would like a house in which "schnookums" are frolicking about, as opposed to the cold, empty Sex Palace he currently inhabits. The night before she gets induced, Thomas gives Kathryn a hug that culminates in a hearty slap on the back, because he will never stop hoping that she'll be content playing the role of his really chill sperm vessel who will never expect him to do anything in the realm of taking actual responsibility. At the hospital, he gazes upon his freshly born heir, referring to him as a "mini-me." Ironic, since earlier that same week, he didn't punch JD in his stupid, smug face for his whole "take a paternity test because women are some shady bitches" thing. I am one hundred percent certain that we'll be returning to Thomas as Thrower of Temper Tantrums next week, and that he'll be as useful and considerate as a mucus plug post labor.
  5. Shep
    Shep reports for Drunk Bro duty at Whitney's house in L.A., and he clearly gives zero fucks if Craig ends up with alcohol poisoning or sleeps with the cast of Vanderpump Rules, as long as he doesn't fight with Whitney and ruin the weekend. He is justifiably annoyed when JD has to call him to yell at Craig because he's too cool/lazy to empty his voicemail. It would have been great if he hadn't told Craig not to worry about work, although at this point, it's pretty clear that you can't tell Craig anything. Shep is too enable-y this week for my taste, and his Frat McFratterson baseball cap/blazer/oxford ensemble has all the sex appeal of a severed head in a freezer.
  6. Craig
    No one is going to convince Craig that going to L.A. the weekend before JD's bourbon launch is a bad idea, because it's not, okay? His behavior this week is so bratty and entitled that it basically negates last week when he handed Whitney his ass. It's astounding that Craig thinks he can just do whatever he wants because he's mad that JD isn't handing him the company, but such is the hardship of the privileged white dude.
  7. JD
    Like a garbage fire fueled by bourbon, JD is unstoppable in both his dickery and his refusal to look up how pregnancy works on the internet. He's suspicious about Kathryn "moving up" her own due date, and about the two "accidents" that are Kenzie and TRav II, ergo, a paternity test is called for. He's not trying to allude to anything, though, you guys, certainly nothing about Kathryn's character, or her ability to convince her vagina to do things like evacuate a child. All this, AND he didn't fire Craig for being a professional dumb butt. I hope he gets kicked in the face by one of his polo horses after finding out it's not actually a purebred.

For 1991 Week we ask:

If any members of the Southern Charmed cast were Saved by the Bell characters, who would they be?

  • Landon: Lisa Turtle -- self absorbed, boring, and probably has a map of the mall in her house.
  • Shep: No embellishment is necessary. Shep is Zack Morris.
  • Thomas/JD: Updated, drunk versions of A.C. Slater, although with inferior muscles. Because misogyny is timeless.
  • Kathryn: Kelly Kapowski-ish, but more the doing her Anthropology professor during the College Years than the Bayside version.
  • Craig: A low-level Screech, because even Samuel Powers got his shit together sometimes.

(Note: There is no Jessie Spano equivalent. Jessie Spano is too good for the world.)

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