Everybody Has A Gun, So Let's Flirt With Inappropriate People On Southern Charm

Don't give Landon advice on how to be an adult, she won't take it.

I knew this on some level, but I am really not ready to contend with the fact that chokers are back. Also, the group goes to Georgia to kill things that are not themselves. Kathryn talks to JD and Elizabeth about Thomas. Shep quits quitting drinking. Austen doesn't know what a quail is, or, apparently, how to Google something. Cameran tells us about (kind of) shooting herself in the head. Patricia gives Landon questionable advice on being an adult. Chelsea likes dudes in trucks. Thomas is gross. Landon and Austen flirt. Naomie suggests therapy, and Craig scowls. Everyone gets drunk, and then everything gets worse.

Here are the Charmers in their hunting best this week, ranked by their ability to make us point a gun at ourselves (from best behaved to worst).

  1. Naomie

    It is a full-on mystery to me as to why Naomie hasn't broken up with Craig. Obviously, part of the charm of reality TV is that the producers only show us what they think makes a good storyline, but you guys. Naomie tells Craig they should talk about what happened at the Sip and See, and he responds by saying she was out of control, as if she were a car without brakes or the Trump administration. She tells him he'll never talk to her like that again, and that they need to go to therapy, because everything he says is ridiculous. I mean, I don't live in Gizmo's Naomie and Craig's house, so I don't get to decide if this relationship is worth saving, but it's hard to root for them when Craig is such a relentless butthole. It's like when you complain about your partner to people who have never met them, and then they do meet them, and they've already formed an opinion based on what you've told them, so it's hard for them to like the person, even if you've fixed your issues. Except it's all happening on television and the person you're trying to get your friends to like is Craig.

  2. Shep

    God bless Shep, his desire to kill, and his knowledge of places in the woods he can take his friends to so they can also kill. I do have some concerns that Shep's insistence on eating ice cream while driving will result in a Mitch Leery-style death, but he does seem to be taking the sobriety thing seriously, until everyone gets to the cabin, undone by these people and their rapidly deteriorating grasp on the English language. (Thomas thinks "participative" is a word -- is this Teen Mom?)

    Before, or in the process of, becoming gloriously shlammered, Shep points out to Cameran at dinner that Landon is 100 flirting with Austen, while Chelsea, whose hair looks aggressively soft in this episode, sits on the other side of him. I have some concern that Shep noticing this (although, it would be hard to not notice it, such is the obviousness of Landon's non-technique) means he is actually kind of still into Chelsea? I would prefer to believe that he's just disgusted by Landon, which we all are, but also, he thinks she and Austen would be a good couple? Is that worse than Landon and Thomas? He does dislike Austen, so finagling a situation in which he gets these two together would be mean and delightful. I don't know what's going on here. Trust no one.

  3. Patricia

    Landon comes over to Patricia's house while Patricia lounges on a chaise with Chauncey, who is literally given treats on a silver platter by Michael, because he understands who the most important creature in this house actually is. Patricia and Landon drink bourbon slushies, which look delicious, but then Patricia personally victimizes us all by saying that she thought what Thomas told Landon at last week's dinner party, about not asking her to sign a prenup if they got engaged because he trusts her, was very sweet. What? Didn't she say it was stupid? Is this show gaslighting me? She could, I suppose, be saying that because she knows it's what Landon wants to hear and she's determined to make LaRav happen. I do not get the soft spot Patricia has for Thomas, though. She also claims that "he's turned out to be an exemplary father." Because neither Kenzie or Saint is dead yet? Give it a minute. I forgot for a second that we are living in Bare Minimum Town, where men get credit for making eye contact once a month with their kids, so Thomas, whose children live in a guest house and are taken care of by a nanny, is the Danny Tanner of Charleston. (I hate you, Danny Tanner. I've always hated you.)

    Landon tells Patricia that Thomas has too many issues for her to get involved with him, and Patricia says that grown-ups have issues, and that people should marry people who are better and/or equal to them. Are you seriously trying to make me decide if Thomas is better than Landon, Altschul? She might be equal to Thomas in awfulness, but basically, this entire situation is Sophie's Choice, and I am going to need Patricia to send me a free caftan with my cats' faces on it for me to get over what she's putting us through.

  4. Austen

    Austen does not know what a quail is, and keeps telling everyone this, probably thinking that it makes him seem like he's just never hunted before, which he apparently hasn't, but actually, it just makes him seem like an idiot who can't figure out how to do a Google image search. After learning that Chelsea is into dudes who drive trucks and kill things on the regular, Austen is able to shoot several quail, so motivated is he by the possibility of getting laid. It works, I guess, in spite of Whitney yelling at Austen not to come too fast as he and Chelsea leave the drunken revelers for the night. The next morning, Chelsea, wearing a t-shirt, is in bed with Austen. I am assuming she put that on when she realized the cameras were coming in, and did not wear it during the actual fucking? Oh, just kidding, I don't want to think about it.

    Austen tells Chelsea he's in puppy love with her, and she's like, I am wary of relationships. Austen: "It's usually the girls who get attached. I'm a loser." Thanks for the shot of wheatgrass and gender essentialism, Austen. It sucks when you like someone and they don't like you in the same way, but dude is just so cocky and ridiculous that I can't muster any sympathy for him, especially since earlier in the episode, he told Whitney that he wouldn't refer to Chelsea as "the lady in his life." Okay, bro. Put your shirt on and go home.

  5. Craig

    Craig telling Naomie that she is "out of control" should make him the worst this week, and the only reason he's not there is because we basically didn't hear from him after that. He continues his old routine of needing to be taken care of because he's too entitled to get his shit together by leaving his boots at home. I don't know why anyone thought it was a good idea to give Craig a gun, because he comes way too close to shooting one of the hunting dogs with it and then is all, "Oh my God, you guys, whatever, I totally saw it." Everyone, including Cameran, is aware that Craig is mad at Naomie for pointing out what's actually wrong with him, but they know better than to confront him because he's one conversation away from throwing his own feces at people, and then blaming others for making shit available to him in the first place.

  6. Landon

    I have the flirting skills of a spastic colon, and even I know that putting your head/hands on someone and making direct eye contact and giggling is inappropriate when the person you're flirting with is sitting next to the girl he's seeing. Austen doesn't seem like he's flirting back (he actually seems kind of uncomfortable?), but Landon, uninterested as she is in reality, is undeterred. Admittedly, Chelsea was coy about whether or not she and Austen would be sharing a bed, but they were sleeping in a cabin by themselves, and Landon knows they've been hanging out, so...maybe don't? To be clear, I'm not accusing her of being slutty (which is not an insult), just stupid. She claims to want to avoid drama, but she's hurling herself right into it in this situation. And is she into Thomas or not? Is she just drunk? Landon's behavior in this episode is mild for her, we have seen so much worse, but it's consistent with her blatant disregard for boundaries and her insistence on always having everything the way she wants it, even if she doesn't know what she wants. Almost no one on this show behaves better over time, but she is Craig-style getting worse, and my colon can only take so much, Landon.

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