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Drive A Pen Through Your Eye Because Thomas And Kathryn Are Touching Each Other Again On Southern Charm

The season finale of Southern Charm returns us to a place of darkness, from which we may never surface again.

As is true at the end of every season of Southern Charm, I'm experiencing an exhausting combination of feelings, including malaise, confusion, yearning, and rage. The cast returns from Key West, but not until after Dani faints, Naomie blows town early, Shep gets shloaded (like, shloa-ded), and Craig lets his shorts hang disturbingly low. Back in Charleston, Landon rages, Thomas summons the ghost of Jane Austen (who is probably sooo pissed), and Cameran ponders her plan to birth a child. Chelsea and Austen make things official after Austen fully palms another girl's ass. Everyone attends the formal dinner that for some reason must accompany the closing of Sermet's, where fights are had, and odious alliances may be renewed, through which we will undoubtedly suffer next season.

Let us usher out the fourth season of Southern Charm with this ranking of behaviors, from merely meh to awful.

  1. Naomie

    After Craig was super-embarrassing last week while treating the Kathryn/Landon situation as though it were the goddamn Oslo Accords, Naomie left Key West, although it might also have been because she had finals. Back in Charleston, she and Kathryn have a summit about her relationship, during which Naomie says she's been mean to Craig and said some shitty stuff behind closed doors. She admits that she's carrying around a lot of rage because she helped Craig lie to everyone for a year about the whole law school debacle. Kathryn is surprised, because she's "never heard Naomie be a bitch, not even to bitches." (#Kathryn2020)

    At Casa de Gizmo, Naomie apologizes to Craig, who is so totally wicked hurt by her visible disgust for him, and they agree that they love each other or whatever and want to work on shit. Okay. Look. I have no idea what Naomie says or does to Craig (ew) when the cameras aren't running, but what I have seen is her checking him for both treating her badly and refusing to take responsibility for himself. She shouldn't have to apologize for that, and what we've seen is not mean. Everything we have seen this season points to Craig thinking that Naomie's entire job is to worship him and not challenge him, and that is not a relationship. According to Instagram, they're still together, so all of this is irrelevant, but also? THIS IS NOT A MODEL FOR A RELATIONSHIP. (Okay, it is, but it's a garbage one.) You don't have to apologize for wanting your partner to try harder, especially when he spends every second of every day acting like he is constructed entirely of tools.

  2. Kathryn

    Kathryn and Dani and Elizabeth sit on the beach in Key West and discuss whether Landon is full of crap. Surprisingly, opinions are mixed. Dani thinks her whole thing last week was genuine, which makes me think there is more going on with her than dehydration, but Elizabeth is skeptical. Kathryn agrees that Landon is fake, but also, she actively does not give a single fuck.

    In Charleston, after her dinner with Naomie, Kathryn visits Thomas for some reason. Her kids are literally in the next room, and she can't see them because it's not her day, which must qualify as some type of psychological torture. She tells Thomas that in the time they were together, she never felt like they were equals, and now she does. She is definitely working him, which I am into, because she's better and smarter than Thomas, and always has been, and if her plan is to get her kids back, or to get more time with them, then she should work away. I am 97% sure that whatever went down (literally) between these two is no longer a thing, and I am mad that we had to watch even ten seconds of it, even though Kathryn is extremely eye-rolly and guarded during the Sermet's Touch Fest. I maintain that these two manipulate each other, and continue to, which is not an argument that they should be together so much as an expression of the deep emotional fatigue that comes upon me each week whenever someone refers to Kathryn as a strumpety strumpet with strumpet tendencies.

  3. Cameran

    In case you didn't hear, Cameran didn't want to have a baby, and now she wants to have one. I have Opinions about how all this came about, mainly that Cameran seems to have talked herself into wanting a kid because Jason wants one, which I guess is supposed to be an example of how you compromise in marriage, but also, that is a huge compromise, and a dangerous one.

    In Key West, Craig gives Cameran the onesie he made her in advance of her yet to be conceived child. She gets all emotional, and then confused about her emotions, but recovers by the next day so that she can tell Craig to get it together regarding Naomie, because he "looks like" a serious asshole in public. Not surprisingly, he continues to reveal his asshole.

    Back in Charleston, Cameran's mom Bonnie visits, and Cameran tells her she's off birth control, so wheeee. Bonnie says she never actually wanted children, but she's so glad she had them, because it's been such a profound experience. I hate platitudes like that, because frankly, if you had kids and you didn't want them, you're either lucky you don't regret it or you're lying about not regretting it. (Don't @ me.) Cameran says there's no turning back now. I guess? Except you can totally turn back since nothing has happened, and even if it has, I think you can still turn it back even in South Carolina...for now. Tune in next season, when Cameran has a baby and I continue to shit-talk it, because this is who I am.

  4. Shep

    While drunk on a pier in Key West, Shep finds a bird friend, and says, "Look at that bird, it's my favorite, it's got little feet!" This doesn't undo a single second of Shep's loathsome behavior this season (see: toxic masculinity), but goddamn if I don't want someone to make a gif of it, or whatever the kids are doing these days.

    I still don't think sleeping until noon (stop judging me) is an indicator of rock bottom, but other than his new avian love, Shep is pretty irritating this week, even though it's mostly directed at Craig. He's being one of those drunk people who won't stop talking, and tells Craig he's the happiest person in the world, and Craig just has anger issues (true). Craig is apparently angry because Shep was so drunk he wasn't allowed on the plane in Key West, and Craig hung back with him, because he's such a good friend. I suspect that, on some level, Craig did this to have something to hold over Shep, but I am tired of looking up synonyms for "odious," so I will just reluctantly acknowledge that drunk people are annoying, and perhaps Shep should look into taking up knitting or something instead.

  5. Craig

    Craig is wearing some dangerously low-hanging shorts at the beginning of the episode, which he fortunately adjusts right before he jumps into the ocean. He says he's having a better time without Naomie, and that makes him sad. I know they're fighting or whatever, but I maintain that it's okay to have fun without your partner, because you are separate people. Also, he thinks it's not fair of Naomie to give him an ultimatum (didn't he give her one?), and "that's the last string." I'm just going to leave that there.

    At the Sermet's soiree, Craig resumes his role as the world's crappiest moderator, which I think someone actually called him. He does get Landon to admit that she said some crap about Kathryn, but then he has to go and get Kathryn and make them talk to each other again, I guess just so he can feel better about himself? Then Drunk Shep is being drunk and annoying, so Craig hits him, because nothing says "formal" like pounding someone on the knee whilst wearing a white tuxedo.

  6. Thomas

    Thomas's whole life has led up to the moment in which Dani faints and he gets to ask an entire restaurant if there's a doctor in the house. (There is not.) Post non-disaster, Kathryn tells him she wants to do a mediation with him, instead of dealing with lawyers. Thomas agrees, but of course, he has to be all like, it's just a conversation, I'm sure she'll act out later on account of the gila monster that lives in her vagina.

    When he's returned to Charleston, Thomas rants to JD about how he gave Landon the "opportunity to date him," but now he's done because she betrayed him, and she is thereby evicted from the "circle of trust," which totally sounds like a cult and it doesn't help that Thomas has a hand motion to go with it.

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    Thomas decides to handle his betrayal/enlightenment by texting Landon with lines from Pride & Prejudice like a fucking maniac. Also, like a dude who thinks he's a feminist because he's read a book by a woman, or knows the name of a book written by a woman. I hope Jane Austen rises from the grave, tortures him via papercuts, and then strangles him to death with a bonnet string.

    Because the season cannot end without a reminder that Thomas has Feelings, he tells Kathryn at the Sermet's thing that he thought she didn't love him. Is that real? He didn't? What goes on between these two is deranged, but it would never have occurred to me that Kathryn didn't love Thomas. She is horrified that he thought that, and then he's touching her pants and telling her how much he likes them, and are they leather? He whispers in her ear, and I assume he's asking if he can remove said pants. I hope Kathryn has, like, nine IUDs, and also, a very sharp knife.

  7. Landon

    You guys, Landon has discovered feminism. The weakest, whitest, most banal form of feminism available, and I'm sure she also thinks she invented it. After declaring that her trip to Key West was the best (was she there), she tells her sister Bam that Thomas is mad at her because she defended Kathryn. Is that why? Or is it because she flipped the hell out and dragged him in front of everyone without warning or explanation? Or both? Landon earnests that Kathryn is trying soooo hard and she totally understands how she feels. Apparently, Thomas reminds Landon a lot of her ex. (Lilit: "Can you imagine being the man who is attracted to both her and to Stacey Dash?") Other "Feminist" Landon revelations include: men aren't right just because they're men! It's bad when they try to control women with their money and power! Are we also going to get a whole episode next season where Landon learns about racism?

    Because consistency is Landon's enemy, as soon as she learns about the Thomas/Kathryn Snog Fest, she declares that she's not surprised, since Kathryn is "so afraid of losing her meal ticket." The ground beneath me has stopped moving. What is this feeling descending over me? It's like calm, fueled by denial and entitlement.

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