Don't Let The Founders Balls Hit You On The Way Out, Southern Charm's Thomas

Everyone is still alive at the end of the Southern Charm season finale...that we know of.

Through the good graces of Patricia's oxygen therapy, which has kept her alive and bossing around butlers up until this point, we have arrived at the Southern Charm season finale. Cameran's husband would like some children, in case we were not already aware, but now he's taken to hijacking lists, and potentially future storylines. Whitney and JD get Thomas to come out with them for drinks in order to discuss his flagrant displays of emotional imbalance...caused by drinking. Landon borrows a purple fur from Patricia for the Founders Ball, so I guess Patricia once owned, and then murdered, a purple fuzzy dinosaur. Shep owns a new place at which to drink, a red cumberbund, and a date who reveals all. Craig can shut up, and also buy me some jewelry, since he's so into doing that. At the Founders Ball, a woman wearing a dinner plate sized tiara gets twirled around while Landon and Kathryn circle one another like wolves. Kathryn and Thomas have once again connected their sexual organs, but don't worry, he's still a lying liar face, because continuity.

Here's this week's ranking of your fancily dressed and most likely intoxicated Charlestonians, from best behavior to worst.

  1. Robyn, Hero
    Here's what we know about Robyn: she has reasonable taste in dresses, she agreed to be Shep's matchy/matchy date to the Founders Ball, she's friends with Landon, and she (via the Southern Charmproducers) has both excellent timing and access to more information than the cast has all season, and zero qualms about letting it fly, unlike some people, who let Instagram do the work for them.
  2. Cameran
    So at the behest of her therapist, Cameran made a list of positives and negatives re: breeding, and Jason, her husband, came along and added a bunch of shit like "life will have meaning!" and "loneliness!" In other words, Cameran might still decide to have a kid, and we might be subjected to it next season. Or she and Jason might get divorced? Either way, she is still over the Thomas/Kathryn situation, and maybe the Landon situation also, so she's going to require some kind of storyline in the future. At the Founders Ball, she eats what looks like numerous pieces of delicious cake, while looking fabulous and pondering how far above all of this she is.
  3. Shep
    Ill-advised date choices aside (although if you really want to make it clear to someone that you don't want to bang her, bring her friend with you to a fancy gathering), Shep is still doing better than almost everyone on this show, what with opening his new restaurant and clarifying to Landon that he's not into her, which is proving to be a job. He also apparently decided to let Thomas off the hook for his attempt to fight him at the dinner party. Good move for integrity or whatever, bad move for TV.
  4. Craig
    Craig quit his "job" and is now talking about taking the bar like it's the lover he spurned or some crap. I think we can all agree that Naomie is his new project, what with buying her with all the diamonds he's been buying and planning all the marriage. He rolls his eyes a lot this week, and tries to broker some kind of weird peace between Kathryn and Landon, which fails, but it's by no mean the worst he's been this season, and so for that, he's here in the rankings, because apparently, at this point, I'm giving out the equivalent for snacks for not being a complete pile of sewage every week? Sounds like season finale time.
  5. Kathryn
    Sometime between the end of the dinner party and the limo ride to the Ball, Kathryn decided it would be a good idea to allow Thomas back into her sexy parts, thereby leading the internet to speculate about the coming of a TRav III. (I WILL set a series of small fires. I will overcome my fear of matches and lighters for this purpose. It will be worth it.) Kathryn wears a pair of metal glove things to the ball, which should sober Thomas into not grabbing Landon's ass right in front of her, but, like, why would it? She looks like a vampire queen, sauntering around the ball with her numerous drinks and walking this super-creepy line between being sassy and committing justifiable double homicide. (I would watch a show in which Kathryn murders Thomas and Landon, collects Kenzie, Julien, Shep, and Cooper, and ditches town to live fabulously in a tower surrounded by expensive footwear, snacks, and spa treatments. Call me, Investigation Discovery.)
  6. Landon
    Landon cried in her interview segment this week, because Shep doesn't love her, and not even diamonds and strangely colored furs borrowed from Patricia will change that. Her ability to lie to Kathryn's face is pretty impressive, so she might want to consider politics if that whole website about arts and travel and arts doesn't work out. Haha, just kidding, her awful, screechy, condescending disgustingness makes her bad at everything.
  7. Thomas
    I should be embarrassed by the amount of time I spent trying to figure out if it should be Landon or Thomas in last place this week, but I'm not. Thomas is here because literally everything that happened this season is his fault, and that includes the fact that Donald Trump is running for President. This week, he lies to Kathryn (again), pats Landon's ass region after telling Kathryn he wouldn't talk to her anymore, lets Landon and Kathryn fight over him (and undoubtedly jerks off about it later), and does a stupid little dance while wearing his stupid tuxedo on his stupid body containing his stupid face. Fin, Thomas. FIN.
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