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Dear Tertiary Characters On Southern Charm: Shut Up Right Now And Forever

There is nothing quite like a bunch of dudes fighting about ladies they're nailing/attempting to nail.

This week: Drunk people in sweaters! Yelling! Modeling! JD's eyes close under the weight of the reality of LaRav. Wade the beleaguered therapist meets with Craig and Naomie again. Landon's dad hates her. Chelsea tells Austen that Shep tried to kiss her. Craig, who does not know the difference between fish and religion, feels threatened when Shep uses a big word. Whitney wears a gross silk jacket thing. Thomas eats truffle fries and continues to do the bare minimum re: parenting. Kathryn and Kenzie wear expensive outfits and cry. I rewind eleven times and still cannot follow the fight that takes up way too much of this episode.

Toss one (or 20) back and consume this ranking of Charleston's finest, from well behaved to NOPE.

  1. Kathryn

    I have seen every episode of this show since its inception, so unless my brain has been kidnapped and replaced with another brain, I still do not know what Kathryn did that's so horrible. I mean, drugs, fine, I guess drugs and children aren't the best combination (probably necessary, though?), but the way everyone, including Kathryn, acts about her past, I'm starting to wonder if she has actually gone on a cross-country murder spree. Which also might be fine, if she killed the right people.

    Kathryn has to buy some clothes for a photoshoot with Kenzie, at which she has to look/market herself like "a J.Crew bitch." Chelsea invites Cameran to come shopping with her and Kathryn, which Cameran is willing to do because Kathryn is working on herself or whatever, and Kathryn is appropriately annoyed and hand-wavey about how Cameran wouldn't even get coffee with her when she asked, but now she wants in on shopping.

    At the photoshoot, Kathryn has some disturbing Thomas feelings, mainly about the fact that she can see the picture of the three of them as a family (DO NOT LOOK AT THE PICTURE). She is going to real mad about the Thomas and Landon thing, and I can't wait.

    Kenzie has a meltdown after the photoshoot because she wants to go home with Kathryn, and it's hard to watch. Kathryn cries and says that she's already paid for her mistakes and she wants her children to be with her. Which brings me back to...WHAT MISTAKES? Did she try to sell Kenzie for drugs? Did she leave Kenzie with her parents and go on a bender? THAT SEEMS FINE. It's not like Thomas is even raising his own kids, but again, no one seems to care about that. This record is so broken. Let us use its remaining shards to ensure that Thomas can no longer breed.

  2. Naomie

    At therapy, Naomie and her shiny, shiny hair ask Craig if he just got up. Craig is like, that's mean, but he totally did just wake up, we can smell our own. Also, there is no excuse for an assy backwards baseball cap with a stiff brim, even if you did just wake up.

    Wade listens to Craig moan about how Naomie humiliated him when she told everyone he didn't know the difference between a pescatarian and an Episcopalian, which, oh my GOD, dude, really? She continues to call him on his bullshit excuses
    ("I was trading off shore markets until 5 am because I didn’t have to wake up for anything!"), and says that if he's going to continue being himself, he's going to have to find a new girlfriend. YAY! Except they're still together in real life, so I guess therapy is just going to be a present for people who hate Craig. I will take it.

  3. Landon

    I generally want to strangle JD with his stupid bowtie, but the face he made when Thomas told him he's been hanging out with Landon is actually perfect and accurate.

    Apparently Landon and Thomas have been going on dates (sexually), and last week she found a poetry book he wrote (oh my god), and demanded that he read to her, and because Thomas has some understanding of shame, he refuses to expose viewers to what is surely a paper dumpster fire of man feelings.

    Landon's dad, Mike, comes to visit and presents her with an opportunity to make a bajillion dollars by basically standing around. (I do not know a goddamn thing about real estate development obviously.) Landon's problem with this, I guess, is that she'd have to be there every day and wouldn't have time to do Roam, which cannot be called Roam because someone forgot to Google. Landon tells her father that Roam/Not Roam is the first thing Landon has ever made as an adult, and not doing it would mean she's giving up. I guess? Or you could just do this job and take the money and sit on it while you work on the website? How does Landon have money in the first place? Is Mike financing all this? Is it Bravo cash? Dogs and wine and orchids and shit are expensive.

    It would be very easy to go work for Mike and marry Thomas, Landon says, but she feels like she'd be giving up on herself. I get it? Ish? Like, live your dreams or whatever, but this would all be much easier to empathize with if Landon wasn't such an awful person, and if her actions didn't continue to have zero consequences.

  4. Cameran

    This week's episode seemed as though it should have been over at least three times before it actually was, likely due to the fact that I am being forced to deal with the Chesea/Austen/Shep triangle of terror, which, as I have mentioned before, I hate. Cameran is alarmed to learn about Shep's behavior towards Chelsea, but first, she finds him awake and reading and has to remind him that this is unlike his usual behavior, which is to be in bed at 1:30 in the afternoon. (Thin ice you are on, Wimberly. Thin. Ice.)

    Cameran tells Shep that she thinks they're both happy, but looking for something more, and Shep is like, I'm not happy, and she argues that he is. Wherefore art thou, consistency? Hasn't Cameran's whole thing since this show started been that Shep thinks he's happy, but he's really just yearning to find a nice lady?

    Later, after being briefed by Chelsea about the arm-grabbing and kissing attempts, Cameran confronts Shep and lectures him on the proper way to ensnare a dame. (Is this the same person who told him women like to be hunted?) I'm not blaming Cameran for whatever happened between Shep and Chelsea, but she seems a little too reluctant to take responsibility for constantly shoving them at each other. It's good that Chelsea is there to lay it all out for Cameran -- entitled dudes are entitled, and it's weird that she would want her friend with someone like that (although, is Austen not entitled?).

    Shep tells Cameran that he doesn't remember what happened with Chelsea because alcohol, and she just wants him to admit, for some reason, that he's jealous of Chelsea and Austen. Shep puts his sunglasses on and says he's not jealous. Okay, fine. In that case, can this whole storyline just get taken behind the barn? I'll help.

  5. Shep

    I'm not exaggerating when I say I rewound these scenes with Shep and Austen and Craig and Whitney and Beau The Tertiary Instigator numerous times, and I still don't get what's happening. The "facts" seem to be that Shep grabbed Chelsea and made her go somewhere with him while Austen was getting a drink, he said assorted things, such as everyone says they have so much chemistry and what's going on between Chelsea and Austen is a non-thing, and then tried to kiss her twice, under the guise of not knowing what was going on between Chelsea and Austen. This is gross and misogynist and entitled behavior, and there's no excuse for it, and the fact that Shep is now wearing sweaters over collared shirts will not save him from my ire, especially when his excuses include "sometimes my maleness gets the better of me."

    After Shep apologizes (ish), Austen seems surprisingly willing to let it go, Craig continues to butthole about how Shep tries to nail everyone's girlfriends, is a shitty person, doesn't like himself, and Shep retorts that he is not a lothario, and Craig is like, I don't know what that means, proving that you can be a total dumbshit and also (sort of) graduate law school.

    At another bar, Austen gets mad again when he remembers Shep saying to him that he didn't have enough money for Chelsea. When Beau (SHUT UP BEAU) brings it up to Shep, Shep denies saying it, but of course, it was recorded, so we have to watch it, and it's there. I for some reason expected more from Shep, specifically that he would know these things get on camera. Everyone yells at each other again. Shep says he doesn't need any more friends, and goes to hit on some ladies at the bar.

    So Austen was mad about Shep trying to kiss Chelsea, but then he wasn't? And he wasn't mad about Chelsea, he was mad because Shep thinks he's better than Austen? He wanted to be mad about the money thing quietly, and none of this would have happened if Beau hadn't been there to bring it up again? The fact that they won't say they're dating seems to justify Shep's behavior somehow? But he is super-mad about Shep saying he doesn't have enough money for Chelsea. That's somehow worse? Is it the fact that Shep denied it? This whole show is nothing if not another example of how people need to either stop drinking or stop being on TV. Even Snooki has figured that out, you guys.

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