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Craig Is Sewing Himself A Break-Up Sweater On Southern Charm

Craig has sooooo many projects, but none of them includes being a reasonable human.

This week: Whitney and his pinky ring see how far they stretch a metaphor. Cameran buys a doll. Austen admits something is going on with Chelsea. Kenzie has taken to straight up throwing dishes. Shep goes to the doctor, and Thomas fears his pants no longer have the same power they once did. Kathryn looks on skeptically while Jennifer Snowden cries. Chauncy is fat-shamed. Gizmo eats wet food and swats. Naomie continues to be right. Craig buys a sewing machine and the editors force us to look at his bare feet. Landon is annoying when ordering a drink, and ineffective at deterring Thomas's salacious plans.

Here are our anti-heroes, ranked in order of likability, from a reasonable amount to Oh My God No.

  1. Naomie

    Naomie comes home from a long day at business school to eat dinner with Craig, who is all, Oh my god, I did so many things todayyy. When she has the temerity to point out that he might want to consider focusing on one thing at a time, he whips out the most treasured of sexist weapons, telling her she's acting stupid and ignorant and then condescendingly telling her a minute later that he didn't say she was stupid, he said she was acting stupid, because women don't understand the difference between verbs and other kinds of verbs.

    Naomie remains extremely calm and poised, because she probably doesn't want to give Craig another excuse to call her hysterical, but she's also likely plotting how to murder Craig and then throw him in the lake I assume her parents have on their property.

  2. Shep

    Cameran refers to Shep as "middle-aged," a categorization I feel is both incorrect and morally wrong. It might be because I'm like 10 minutes older than Shep, but it also is because 37 is not middle-aged, although, as I was told by Lilit, an actual person from the South, things are different there, and if you're not married with a kid by the time you're 30, it's Over. The point is, shut up, I'm not Shep is not old. He's also not mad that Austen and Chelsea are apparently seeing each other for real now (whatever), he's mad that Austen didn't tell him, which seems reasonable, but Austen sees it as him having to ask Shep's permission, because he needs to feel superior to Shep in every way available.

    After a brief game of sportsball, Shep calls his parents to report that his lack of physical endurance alarmed him. Shep's father is named Rip, which delights me. At a doctor's appointment, Shep is advised not to drink for a week, which he decides to take as a personal challenge, which, fine, how exciting, but also, you should probably stop drinking.

  3. Kathryn

    Let's get this out of the way: for reasons I still do not fully understand, I want to be on Kathryn's side all the time, which is why it's crappy to have to put her this far up in the ranking when it's the first time she's been on here this season. At lunch with Jennifer Snowden, Kathryn confronts her about last season/the reunion's shady business re: the three of them. (In brief: JSnow and Thomas probably hooked up a long time ago, he thinks she's trashy and dramatic, they yelled at each other at Patricia's flamingo party, but now maybe everything's cool.)

    Present day: Kathryn doesn't get what happened between Jennifer and Thomas, so she doesn't know if she can trust her, which, fair, but then Snowden starts crying about her son and his brain surgery and Kathryn interviews that she thinks she's trying to manipulate her. I'm pretty sure Jennifer is genuinely messed up about her baby who had to have brain surgery ten seconds after he was born, and it's gross that Kathryn's making it about her. Also, she's wearing this giant scarf/choker thing that just has me one thousand percent convinced that it's keeping her head attached to her body. (IS IT?)

  4. Thomas

    Thomas, cowed by the superior wit of his children, meets Whitney for an obscene amount of oysters and self-pity. His pants are not what they used to be, he tells Whitney; they used to bring all the ladies to his yard, but no longer. Whitney closes his eyes and tries to summon an aneurysm, and then suggests Thomas check the baggage that doesn't fit into the overhead compartment. (...k.) Thomas, sulkily drinking a bourbon and Coke, continues to recall his early days of doing no work and getting all the ass in Charleston, except for the time he tried to woo Dani, who is still too good for this show.

    Later, at lunch, Landon and Thomas prove they are probably soulmates because they both have the most annoying drink orders in all the land. Thomas grits his teeth while telling Landon he really enjoys being told what to do by Kenzie/doing the bare minimum and getting praised for it/being a dad. He interviews that he'll be patient and wait for her, while Landon takes her sunglasses on and off and says she's glad they're hanging out again. They're going off-camera and doing it, right? Please say yes. I'm already making a silent film in my head in which Kenzie and St. Julien seize upon Landon and Thomas in their bed and beat them to death with the tiny plastic foods from their Fisher Price kitchen. Don't take this away from me, editors.

  5. Landon

    I spent too much time this week trying to figure out if Landon's whole "I am but a graceful hipster swan" routine is actually of her own making or the character she's playing, and now my head hurts and I need snacks. At lunch with Austen, she fully leans in to the fact that she's doing Roam so she can feel important and get free stuff, and for a second, it's relatable, because who doesn't want free food, but then she gets all elitist and refers to Vail as a "truck stop" on the way to Aspen. She moves on to tell Austen that her last three relationships ended after they traveled together (and definitely not because the other person realized they were in a relationship with her), and travel reveals a lot about a person, i.e. you can see what their luggage looks like and also see them have a breakdown when they realize they forgot their documents, BRENDA. I assume that either a) Landon is aware of what a total snob she looks like during this whole conversation, and she just doesn't care, or b) she thinks she's adorable and expects everyone else to think she's adorable as well.

    At Drunk Lunch with Thomas, Landon is like, Oh my god, kids are what it's all about. I immediately hate anyone who says this, but it's particularly odious coming from Landon, who's probably just saying it because she aspires to get access to Thomas's real estate (man parts). She also spends a bunch of time talking about how provincial Drew is, so I'm assuming we're never going to see him again, because by next week, she will have done the decent thing and cut him loose, except just kidding, she won't.

  6. Craig

    It's like the producers think I'm capable of hating Craig more, which apparently I am, because I'm pretty sure my hatred has actually formed its own gland after being forced to watch his bare foot touching the pedal of his newly acquired sewing machine.

    Craig would like the following things: a rental property, a clothing line, to be blameless for literally everything, and to avoid answering basic questions by attacking the person who asked them. He is apparently low-level concerned with continuing to have an adult relationship with someone who is too good for him by pulling a variety of childish and consistently misogynist moves, including telling Naomie she's acting bitch-esque, but is not an actual bitch. He definitely doesn't think she's ever going to leave him, in the way that all well-appointed dudes think they're entitled to be taken care by women no matter how they behave. Craig: "She should be supporting all of my dreams, regardless of how many there are." I give precisely negative one thousand fucks about Craig testing the traditional boundaries of masculinity with his sewing-machine fetish when he's clearly hanging out in MRA chat rooms while Naomie's in class.

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