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Come Sip And See Craig Treat Naomie Like Garbage On Southern Charm

So it's fine to embarrass your girlfriend in public as long as you think you're right?

This week: Shep's liver is inflamed because it belongs to Shep. Jennifer throws a party so people can get drunk and hold her baby, who has no idea a party is being thrown for him, because he's a baby. Cameran shows Craig a house and yells at him, then scares Shep with a doll. Patricia schemes to get Landon and Thomas together. Austen's parents are sick of whatever he thinks he's doing. Craig treats Naomie like a trash bag in public. Kathryn and Shep do yoga. JD mutters some words about relationships being hard, and not coincidentally, I dry-heave.

Put on your caftan and do a shot with your pug -- here are the residents of Charleston, ranked from "the only reasonable person" to "dropped the baby on purpose."

  1. Naomie

    So this is just how it's going to go this season, I guess. Naomie will ask Craig a completely reasonable question and/or try to get him to assume some modicum of responsibility for his life, and he'll retaliate with totally offensive nonsense, accusing her of not being on his side. In order to show Craig that he can't just run on Craig Time, Naomie leaves without him to go to Snowden's Sip and See (Naomie: "Sip and See is like get drunk and hold the baby.") and Craig loses his goddamn mind.

    To her credit, Naomie doesn't tolerate him talking to her like he does, which is great to see, but this time, she's visibly shaken and embarrassed, understandably. There's nothing about this that's enjoyable to watch; it's shitty to see a Craig be so mean and degrading to someone he claims to love, and although Naomie keeps standing up for herself, the whole thing just keeps being ugly and upsetting. During his 19th nap of the day, Gizmo dreams that the tiny Gizmos Craig embroidered on pillowcases will rise up and murder him, thereby restoring Naomie to her rightful position as his only provider of foods.

  2. Patricia

    Patricia's unwavering belief that a dinner party is the answer to everything, and that there is no occasion for which a caftan is inappropriate, fuels my adoration for her. I also sincerely hope she is charging people who come to her for life advice, because she should monetize that shit. The fact that she concocted a dinner party so she could get Landon and Thomas together gives me pause, although I'm still not sure if I think LaRav would be the worst thing in the world.

    At dinner, Whitney subtly asks Thomas if he would make Landon sign a prenup if they were engaged, and Thomas says he wouldn't, because he trusts her. Landon, bopping around like she's at a One Direction concert, declares that Thomas is very sweet. Patricia, horrified, yet composed, declares that a prenup is some basic shit and you're an idiot if you get married without one. (Not that it wouldn't be hilarious if Landon and Thomas did get married without a prenup, got divorced, and Landon took off to Aspen with all the sweet Ravenel money.) If Patricia isn't deterred by everyone's stupidity and she's going to keep pushing Landon and Thomas towards each other, I assume it's because she thinks their individual odiousness can only be neutralized by some kind of ritualized bang-fest. I am leaving this in your flawlessly manicured hands, Altschul. Don't make me sorry.

  3. Cameran

    Cameran believes in spells and Bigfoot and haunted things, which I love, and watching her roll her eyes so hard at Craig that she might sprain them is one of the few delights I have left in this world. The whole "Craig buys real estate" thing is completely ridiculous, and the fact that she knows it and he doesn't just adds to the buffoonery that is Craig's entrepreneurial delusion.

    Not cool: At lunch with Shep, where Cameran scares the shit out of him with Mama Estelle, who is supposed to protect from evil, and another doll that is equally terrifying (and anatomically correct), she also brings up the Chelsea non-situation yet again, refuting Shep's declaration that Chelsea is with Austen by telling him that "women like to be hunted." If by "hunted," you mean "Women like their personal boundaries to be recognized and respected," then cool, but right now, this sounds a lot like, "Women like it when a guy named Ted with a faux broken arm tricks them into helping him move the boat he doesn't own." Jesus, Cameran.

  4. Jennifer

    People come to Jennifer's house to drink alcohol and pass a baby around, which seems dangerous to me, but I'm a husk of a woman, so what do I know? Kathryn isn't at the party, I'm assuming because of what happened with her and Jennifer last week, or maybe because Thomas was there, or maybe she was there, but it was edited out because there wasn't actually any drama. The point is, Thomas and Jennifer discuss Kathryn, and it takes about eight seconds for Jennifer to tell Thomas that Kathryn is mad at her because she accepted a handkerchief from Thomas, who then declares that Kathryn is "delusional." I expect nothing of substance or realism from Thomas, but it sucks that that's the version Jennifer is going with as to why Kathryn is mad. It's not because of the handkerchief, it's because Jennifer and Thomas have had such a weirdly inconsistent relationship in the past and Kathryn can't trust her because she never knows whose side Jennifer is on. Look at me, speaking authoritatively about a situation I'm not in! Reality TV makes me feel so powerful! (Also, no one dropped the baby!)

  5. Craig

    Craig would like everyone, including Whitney and JD and Elizabeth and Jennifer Snowden's mom, to know that he is "literally dating a teenaged girl." In that case, can someone literally call the cops? According to Craig, Naomie is also a spoiled child and a moron, and she doesn't care about their relationship, all because she decided not to wait for him so they could be half an hour late to Snowden's party. He keeps saying, "You left me at the house," as though "house" is code for "on the side of the road," or "without access to the liquor cabinet." The fact that Craig looks like a total asshole in front of everyone is apparently not stopping him from believing that things are happening that are not happening, i.e., he is not dating a child, but an actual adult. If you treat someone badly, and behave like a butthole in general, people are going to talk about you behind your back, and you deserve it, especially if your entire M.O. for four consecutive seasons has been to pound your tiny white dude fists every time someone suggests you might be on the wrong track. The good news is that everyone seems appalled by Craig's behavior, even Whitney, who cannot refill his drink quickly enough, and Patricia, whose sunglassed eyes burn holes through all of our souls.

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