Andy Cohen Fails Interviewing 101 And Southern Etiquette Class On The Southern Charm Reunion

People get slandered and sloshed and it's all very tacky.

Sometimes when a reality show kicks off, people from the place or ethnic group being represented get all touchy about it -- think Italian-Americans complaining about Jersey Shore. But I'm from The South (Other Carolina, to be specific) and have loved this beautiful garbage fire of a television show from the beginning. Perhaps it's because I liked Cameran from her Real World days, or because I've driven over the Ravenel Bridge and wondered which old racist politician it was named after, or because I used to work with Lockhart Steele (hi, Lock!), or because every North Carolinian's favorite hobby is feeling superior to South Carolinians.

Many of us Southerners had to take cotillion. It's where you learn to do the box step, set the table, and be inferior to menfolk. It's also where you learn that the single cruelest thing you can call someone is tacky. Unfortunately (sorry, Grandmama!) tonight's Southern Charm was all about the tacky, from Landon's enormous earrings to Kathryn's obvious public intoxication to the fact that Andy Cohen's fake "down home porch" set requires the horror of putting indoor furniture outside. But it would be tacky to point that out, so let's just get to ranking these debs in order of their marriageability.

  1. Kathryn
    There is a part of me that feels like Kathryn is unfairly ganged up on, especially because she gets shamed for sleeping around when Shep does the same thing but it's supposed to be seen as cute and endearing. But it is really hard for me to feel sorry for Kathryn when she shows up looking like the understudy for Dolly Parton's character from The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas and slurs all over the place. Kathryn reliably brings the drama (Whitney accuses her of being on drugs; she says they're antidepressants she needs because he and his mom are such shits to her), the unintentional comedy ("I'm not going to let this get slandered"), and the love (in the form of literal hearts on the soles of her shoes). And her dramatic stomp-off at the end would have been more fun to watch if it hadn't been in the "this week in…" clip at the beginning of the episode. Way to scoop yourselves, Bravo.
  2. Landon
    Landon is wearing neon orange dreamcatchers on her ears because no one would know she was ready to fight if she didn't have earrings to eventually take off. Bravo replays both the scene where Lockhart rejected her website pitch and the scene where she "accidentally" confessed her love to Shep, who didn't reciprocate. Shep then says he and Landon hooked up--no sex, though--ages ago when she first came to Charleston, so she missed her chance. Landon is not missing her chances to go after Kathryn, though, from outright insults to snide comments and even a request that Thomas get the documents. (Those would be the documents about Kathryn failing a drug test and having to get supervised custody of the kids, in case you spend less time on Twitter than I do.)
  3. Craig
    Hashtag New Craig is only slightly less irritating than Hashtag Old Craig. He admits to not taking the bar exam and says he's "not allowed" because he didn't finish his thesis paper. Is that a thing in law school? It sounds fake to me. He is a broken clock, but he has chosen a hell of a time to be right when he nails Whitney on the fact that Whitney loathes Kathryn so much because he had actual feelings for her at some point. Craig, who has not quite moved beyond the third-person thing yet, says that Craig has given up drinking liquor and only sticks with beer and wine. That must be tough since Craig knows Craig is trying to run a bourbon business. Craig also attempts to explain the promise-ring thing with Naomie by saying all Southern women need to be engaged by the time they graduate from college. But since it's a promise ring, does that mean they're not engaged? And wouldn't that make Naomie a failure? That is all very Hashtag Shady Craig. Here is the face Cameran, the only married person on the stage, makes in response.
  4. 2016-06-28-sc-cameran
  5. Thomas
    "Senator" T-Rav wisely keeps a low profile, which is made easier since most of the leading questions from at-home viewers are for the female cast members. When the paternity test thing comes up, Andy giddily announces that "you ARE the father," because there is a Maury-shaped hole in our televisions. Thomas brags that he got two nannies, so each kid can have their own. Wait, is Camille Grammer seeing anyone? I think I just had a genius idea.
  6. Cameran
    Cameran gets asked about the baby thing, and she says a lot of women have been messaging her to say she's doing the right thing by taking her time. Maybe this is because I'm ardently childfree, but I think Cameran doesn't want kids and is too afraid to come right out with it -- either because of societal reasons or because she's worried about how Jason will react. T-Rav says that Cameran is going to change her mind, and he can fuck so far off he winds up in Mogadishu. Also, can everyone please shut it with the references to "heirs"? No one on this show is a duke or countess or English, so let's try "kid" next time?
  7. Whitney
    Whitney greets Andy with a withering "Andrew" but spends most of the hour pouting in a corner both because he's a producer and therefore doesn't want to get dragged into the drama, and because he also desperately wants to be dragged into the drama anyway. I wish they'd sent the pug in his place. I've never seen a pug slut-shame anyone.
  8. Shep
    Shep remains the person on this show with the best sense of humor about both himself and the dumb amount of money he gets paid to do nothing on TV. He fully admits to hitting on Naomie in Craig's presence just to see how long it would take Hashtag Stupid Craig to catch on (answer: half an hour, at which point Naomie had already shut the whole thing down) and has the single best story of the episode, which is about how, between seasons, he and his friend got fucked up on mushrooms and got arrested and the clerk at the police station yelled at Shep about being nicer to Craig. All this and he has a stash of secret cherry moonshine.
  9. Patricia
    Pat couldn't make it because she "had a date with a martini." I'd definitely rather snuggle up to a drink than a Ravenel.
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