Uncover Your Biscuits, It's Time For Strip Golf On Southern Charm Savannah
Get ready for some good old-fashioned slut-shaming.
Ashley's House Is Haunted By The Ghost Of Sex
The third floor of Ashley's house caught on fire, and Dennis, her husband, burned his leg getting their son out, and since everyone is alive, now seems like a great time for Ashley to tell us about how she's not that into Dennis, whom she married twice and now does not have sex with. But he did save their kid, so she cries about how grateful she is to have him and also how their house has bad energy in spite of all the skulls and voodoo dolls and other things in it meant to ward that shit off. So I guess a storyline this season is going to be whether or not Ashley moves? Or bangs her husband? Or gets murdered by a sex ghost? Can we all agree that murder by sex ghost would be great television?
Happy Is Actually Kind Of Meh
Happy and Azam are engaged, and Happy is Episcopalian and Azam is Muslim and Happy's mom is being a real dick about it, even though she dated Daniel's father, a Jew, for like ten years. Daniel, Happy, Azam, and Amber, Happy's friend, eat dinner and discuss saris and then eat chocolate pie that Happy says they didn't cook long enough, because it's gooey. Daniel says that gooey is the best way to eat pie. Daniel and I are united not only by religion, but as people who know that underdone baked goods are the best baked goods. But also, Daniel, cut your hair, it has an actual wing.
Hannah And Ashley And The Sneakers
Ashley, clad in a bathrobe and underwear and some enormous polka-dotted sneakers, lest you forget that she is A Risk-Taker, discusses haunted things with Hannah, while they drink champagne with Ashley's dog in a square. They also discuss the sex Ashley and Dennis don't have, and Louis, who wants to be a grown-up sometimes, thereby bringing us around to the reveal that Ashley and Hannah actually want their dudes to be totally different people.
I am including this in the Watch category not because it's compelling (it's not), but because it's important to see the nothing that this is so that later, when it's a scandal, we can all agree that it's ridiculous. Also, Daniel waxes his chest, right? Affirming that is more important to me than whether or not Ashley shows everyone her butt cheeks (she does). Daniel's chest is way too smooth, people. Way. Too. Smooth.
Ashley and Daniel and Louis play golf at a country club that probably still doesn't allow black or brown people, and has a don't ask/don't tell policy about Jews, where they, and the camera crew, are exiled to a deserted course. Ashley is apparently good at golf, thereby taking the manhoods of Daniel and Louis in her hands and crushing them into dust that she will probably sprinkle around her house in an attempt to keep evil away. It's her idea to play strip golf, and they totally go along with it, until a certain point, when it becomes clear that they have to take their pants off and Daniel refuses, because he's not wearing underwear. (Just so we're clear, this bothers me.) Under her clothes, Ashley is wearing this lacy leotard thing and there is just no way it's supporting anything and also, it looks itchy. The dudes comment on Ashley's tattoos, she puts her shorts back on and wins the game, everyone gets dressed, and they drive the golf cart away. That's it. Stupid? Yes, but unless there was an orgy in the sauna involving these three, I don't understand what the big deal was/is.
Big Cat And Chuck
Catherine invites her parents, whose names are Big Cat and Chuck, to come by her allegedly small apartment to prove to them that she can run her own life. Big Cat got married when she was 19 and had three kids by the time she was 31, which makes Catherine feel bad about herself. She literally uses the term "Peter Pan syndrome," so I guess she's the Shep of this show? Big Cat and Chuck straight up laugh at Catherine when she talks about maybe trying to go into interior design or party planning or whatever. In their defense, Catherine seems to have no idea what these things would involve, but also, way to support your daughter's theoretical aspirations for independence, you two.
Oh God, It's Nelson
I expect I will have these feelings about Nelson every time I see him, unless he somehow becomes less odious to me. What is it about him? Did I feel this way before I knew he had impersonated a congressman? Is it his nasally voice? Is arbitrary hatred something I am allowed to feel?
Nelson and Ashley go to get Happy a bridal shower gift, and while they look at cheese plates, Ashley lectures us on the rules of Southern marriage: you act like you're a virgin, you marry a good old white Southern Christian boy whose parents are friends with your parents. She's still wearing the sneakers, by the way, because they are angling to be in the credits. (Oh my god, they're so terrible.) The visit to the fancy store quickly becomes a rant about the hypocrisy of the Christian church and then about how Trump isn't pro-choice/is a bag of garbage, so unless you are unfamiliar with this line of argument, there's nothing you need to see in this scene.
Confessions Of A Strip Golfer
Uh oh, someone (Louis) thinks he's a self-made man born of other self-made men. He is exhilarated by the "potential of the socks." Over Red Bull and vodka, he nervously (like, he might need to change his pants afterwards kind of nervous) tells Hannah about the game of strip golf, and of course, she takes it well, questioning the "intention" of it. Hannah was raised to keep her clothes on, everybody, and she is definitely not trashy, and to prove it, she and Louis spend the rest of their evening deriding Ashley's behavior and talking about how she feels betrayed because she thought she and Ashley bonded and then Ashley took her clothes off in front of Hannah's boyfriend. Who is an adult and agreed to and participated in the game of strip golf, but is more than happy to make it about Ashley, because women!
Bridal Shower Or Slutty Funeral?
At Happy's bridal shower, where she takes part in shower festivities such as holding up a cheese board and saying, "It's so pretty!" over and over again, there is nary a non-slut-shamer in the bunch. Ashley shows up in a onesie that is literally the same thing she wears all the time, except in black, which prompts Catherine to say she feels like she's at a slutty funeral (the best kind of funeral?) and Happy is all, Ashley's got it covered, ha ha, just kidddinnggg.
Hannah, still in a strip golf rage, sits outside with Catherine and pulls her dress over her butt, declaring that she is trying not to "show my biscuit." Is a biscuit an ass? A vagina? Why are we so mad at Ashley for her deep vee onesie if our dress has the potential to show our biscuit, Hannah? Also, could you leave food out of this?
Inside, Happy's mom sucks. She laments to anyone who will listen that because Happy is marrying a Muslim, she can't have a cross in her house. Between that and Catherine asking Ashley if her house is actually haunted or if "it's just you," this whole event is a pastel fiesta of moderately cloaked rage. In other words: watch.
Lyle and Catherine go crabbing, and he continues to tell her how into her and their future he is, and it's getting embarrassing. He's all, "Are you ready for me?" and she's like, "I can't talk about my feelings." She coos at him that he is cute and sweet when he starts talking about apex predators and the circle of life while the crabs boil to death. I guess we're supposed to root for them, but there is just zero chemistry between these two, and the thought of an entire season of Lyle running towards Catherine and her doing the whole "Hee hee, I'm not sure!" thing makes me want to throw myself in with the crabs.
Is That You, Pamela Anderson?
Because Hannah/the producers are planning on holding onto this strip golf drama for a while, Ashley comes over to Hannah's house, where they discuss it. I'm sorry, "discuss" it. Hannah is scandalized that Ashley doesn't think anyone did anything wrong and that she'd do it again. Ashley is like, "Feminism!" Or something. She's not wrong about double standards, this show and its ilk are lousy with them, but this seems disingenuous to me. Maybe I'm just distracted by the fact that Hannah's expression is simultaneously aghast and bitchy. Hannah interviews that Ashley has had more plastic surgery than Pamela Anderson, which...really? Also, so what? Also also, this nonsense is going to continue into next week, so I would start doing shots now, if you haven't already.
Unfortunately, it looks like we are going to be subjected to Hannah thinking she's better than/being angry at Ashley for a while, in different scenarios, so you can safely miss this episode, unless you really need to see the actual strip golf event in order to make an informed decision about how mad at Ashley you should be. We are doomed to exist in this space, so it's a good bet that next week, we'll flash back to Ashley wearing the lace leotard thing with golf shoes and Daniel and Louis milling around her like horny deer.