The Season Squee Finale
In Sherlock's final episode of the season, Sherlock goes through rather more physical trauma than usual. Also: Redbeard revealed!
The Adventure Of Charles Augustus
Magnussen is a horrendously creepy newspaper owner and blackmailer who is being investigated by the British government to determine whether he has undue influence on the Prime Minister. When he looks at people through his thin wire-frame glasses, he can see all the information he's collected about them, including their "Pressure Points," a.k.a. weaknesses.
Name: Charles Augustus Magnussen. Age: 40-50. Occupation: Media mogul, master blackmailer, face-licker. Goal: World domination. Sample Dialogue: "The whole world is wet to my touch."
Place Of Interest
The high tech lair where Magnussen is reputed to store all the dirt he has on everyone everywhere. Even you. Yes, you.
Licker? I Hardly Know Her, But Okay!
Magnusses corners Lady Elizabeth Smallwood (one of the government big wigs at the inquiry), threatens to expose the relationship her husband had with a fifteen-year-old girl, calls her out on wearing Clair de la Lune perfume, and then finishes her off by licking her face. (In the muffin-licking-Monica world of Friends, that means Magnussen has staked a claim on Lady Smallwood.) The face licking is even creepier than it sounds, because he even makes sure to get a bit of her brow in the end before he wipes off his tongue with a napkin. I mean, you wouldn't want to have ladyface on your tongue or anything, because that would be gross.
Take Me To Junkietown!
Because John hasn't seen Sherlock in a month, he's sorely in need of a thrill ride, which is why he rushes off to drag a neighbor's son home from a smack house with a tire iron in his pants. John mixes it up with — and gets the better of — a knife-wielding junkie who sounds so much like Baldrick from Blackadder that you'd almost expect him to say something about having a cunning plan, but he's probably too high and shit.You broke my arm!Nope, I sprained it.It feels SQUISHY! Is it supposed to feel SQUISHY?! Feel there!
Two Junkies For The Price Of One
Just after John finds the neighbor's son in the smack house, Sherlock pops up on a neighboring stained mattress and insists that he's there working undercover on a case, and using the name "Shazzer." John hauls him off to Molly's lab to get a urine test, which confirms that, yes, Sherlock's been substance-abusing again. Molly awesomely smacks some serious crap out of Sherlock's face for throwing away "the beautiful gifts [he was] born with" and "betraying the love of [his] friends." After the slaps, Sherlock nastily notes Molly's lack of a ring and expresses insincere condolences on her broken engagement. (No word on whether the magic went out of the relationship because of that whole meat dagger thing.)
Junkie See, Junkie Do
The junkie with the sprained arm tags along to Molly's because John feels guilty about injuring him, and we learn that he's got some astounding deductive skills that impress even Sherlock.
Name: The Wig. Wiggy. Bill Wiggins. Billy Wiggins. Age: Mid-20s. Occupation: Current junkie, future Sherlock protg. Goal: Getting high. Sample Dialogue: "Ow."
Brother Against Brother
Alert Type: Brotherly Love Alert.
Issue: While Mycroft has Anderson and another lackey search Sherlock's flat for drugs, Sherlock continues to insist that his relapse is because he's working on a case. Mycroft piles on the guilt by saying, "I'll have to phone our parents, of course, in Oklahoma. Won't be the first time your substance abuse problem has wreaked havoc with their line-dancing."
Complicating Factors: No one believes that Sherlock's on a case until Sherlock drops the name "Magnussen," after which Mycroft dispatches Anderson & Co. in all due haste with dark threats of Mycroftian reprisal if they ever repeat what they heard there. Mycroft then turns his threatening powers against Sherlock, saying that Magnussen is under Mycroft's protection. Sherlock counters that Mycroft is under Magnussen's thumb. Mycroft tells Sherlock that he had better back off. OR ELSE.
Resolution: Sherlock bends Mycroft's arm painfully behind his back and threatens him right back: "Brother mine, don't appall me when I'm high."
Spoiler: Sherlock doesn't want his bedroom door opened, but it's not because he's hiding drugs back there.
Love, Hate & Everything In Between
As soon as Mycroft leaves, Janine pops out of Sherlock's bedroom, wearing his shirt. BAMP-CHICKA-BAMP-BAMP! Even more intriguing is that all evidence points to this not being a one-night stand. It turns out that she now knows more about where things are in the flat than John does. Also, she calls Mycroft "Mike" and Sherlock "Sherl" before she squealingly joins "Sherl" in the bath. (It's okay. You can go throw up now.)
Later, Sherlock tries to talk to John about how completely evil and dangerous Magnussen is and how he's never met anyone who has such dead shark eyes and can turn his stomach the way Magnussen does, but John's still on the Janine thing. Sherlock confirms that Janine is his girlfriend, and suggests that the four of them have dinner sometime. John really doesnt know what to do with this information.
That Quote"Me and Mary coming for dinner. With wine and...sitting."- John Watson -
Who called the meeting? Magnussen.
What's it about? Sherlock has been hired by Lady Smallwood, of the Licked Face Smallwoods, to get back all the compromising evidence Magnussen has on her husband. Sherlock thought they were meeting at Magnussen's office, but Magnussen has decided that Sherlock's flat is his office. (And, apparently, his bathroom.)
How'd it go? Great for Magnussen and for us, but not so great for Sherlock. Magnussen refuses to hand over the evidence — he even flaunts that he has it in his jacket pocket — and we learn from Magnussen's Oogle glass that Mrs. Hudson was once an exotic dancer, but Sherlock doesn't get anywhere with his case, and Magnussen taunts him by mentioning "Redbeard." And then it gets really bad for Sherlock's fireplace.
That Happened In The Fireplace
Magnussen is just generally creepy, insulting, and creepy. And then, deciding that Sherlock's bathroom is apparently unacceptable for his Scandinavian penis, HE PEES IN SHERLOCK'S FIREPLACE. And that's when I was like, "OH HELL NO." I mean, fine, you're a master blackmailer and, fine, you lick people's faces and have a creepy basement filled with untold amounts of crap on people, but that's all fairly standard stuff. PEEING IN SOMEONE'S FIREPLACE? It splashes down the fender and everything! And then he wipes his hands with a baby wipe and drops it on Sherlock's floor I MEAN THE NERVE.
Anyway, while John goggles over this, Sherlock's all "Pee schmee!" and rushes off to make preparations to break into Magnussen's London office while the Master Pee-er is out to dinner. John tries to pretend that he might not be interested in joining the case, but Sherlock's all, "Mary and I know you've put on seven pounds since you got married, so you will SO be waiting for my text."
You just know Sherlock's gonna make Mrs. Hudson clean that fireplace.
Get The Look: Romantic Burglar
There's a whole mess of security between Sherlock and Magnussen's private office, but Sherlock and John manage to dodge most of it with a corrupted key card and a little black box.
Engagement Ring Of Perfidy: Surprise! This is the color, cut, and clarity you want when you've been dating Magnussen's personal assistant just so you can fake a proposal in order to get buzzed up to Magnussen's office. Too bad the intended recipient will be knocked out by the time you arrive to go down on one knee...but maybe that's actually not so too bad after all.
There's Something About Mary
Funny thing: though Sherlock assumes that the Clair-de-la-Lune scent hanging in the air belongs to Lady Smallwood, it turns out that Mary also wears that perfume, and she's actually one who knocked out Janine and a security guard and is now holding a gun to Magnussen's head.
Name: Alias Mary Morstan Watson. Age: 30s. Occupation: Nurse/Assassin. Goal: To kill Magnussen and keep her secrets safe. Sample Dialogue: "Oh, Sherlock, I swear if you take one more step, I will kill you."
Die Another Day
Alert Type: Mind Palace Alert.
Issue: After Mary shoots him (I KNOW!), Sherlock goes into his Mind Palace, where Molly, Anderson, and Mycroft all coach him on how to minimize fatal blood loss and prevent himself from going into shock.
Complicating Factors: Bullets really hurt and stuff, so after he falls backwards properly, Sherlock starts to go into shock.
Resolution: Mycroft orders Sherlock to access something in his Mind Palace that will calm him down, or he will die from the shock he is now going into.
Spoiler: The "something calming" is Redbeard.
Mutual of PTV's Animal Kingdom
Oh my god, Redbeard is a freaking adorable dog who had to be put to sleep and could Sherlock be any more lovable with a dog on his face? (I still like my rabid badger idea, though.)
Long Live Sherlock Holmes, Part II
Alert Type: Mind Palace Alert.
Issue: Molly tells Sherlock that he needs to control the pain, which causes Sherlock to run through his Mind Palace until he finds a creepy, padded cell containing Moriarty, hunched in straitjacket and chains. He lunges at Sherlock like a rabid dog (or badger) and tells him to feel the pain but not to fear the pain. (Outside the Mind Palace, John finds Sherlock and gets him to an ambulance and hospital.)
Complicating Factors: Moriarty encourages Sherlock to die, explaining, "You're going to love being dead, Sherlock. No one ever bothers you." Then Sherlock flatlines. The ER team walks away.
Resolution: Moriarty reminds Sherlock that if he dies, he's leaving John in danger with Mary. At this, Sherlock climbs back to life. And unflatlines himself in the ER. Because he's SHERLOCK FUCKING HOLMES.
Spoiler: I know it doesn't look like it, but Mary was actually trying not to kill Sherlock.
Shirtless, Always Keep Him Shirtless
Thumbs up to shirtless Sherlock who, recovering in the hospital, gets a visit from Janine. She rather good-naturedly goes off on him for using her, and tells him she made a lot of money selling her story to all the papers (except Magnussen's) and also possibly lowered his morphine drip when she came in. I totally forgive her for "Sherl" now.
Plot Lightning Round
Mr. Sherlock is Missing
John and Lestrade visit Sherlock in the hospital, but he's gone! Out the window!
Friends and family pool their knowledge of Sherlock's known hiding places, including one from Anderson who
stalkedfollowed him one night.
Because of clues Sherlock left (moving John's chair back to its original place as though he were expecting him to move back in; putting a bottle of Clair-de-la-Lune on the side table), John figures out who the shooter is.
Mary Did A Bad, Bad Thing
Mary goes looking for Sherlock and comes upon Billy the Junkie, who puts a cell phone in her hand, saying, "Rule 1 of looking for Sherlock Holmes: he finds you." Over the phone, Sherlock guides Mary to his hidey-hole — the faade of a building built to hide the Underground — and then projects her face on it. Sort of like a less scary Dark Mark.
Inside the building, Sherlock tells Mary what he knows about her: she stole a dead baby's identity, she knows skip codes, and she has an exceptional memory. Mary pulls a gun. Sherlock reminds her that her face is on the building, so, yeah, not so much with the killing right now. At Sherlock's request, Mary flips a coin and shoots a hole in it to show how good a shot she is, which proves she wouldnt have missed killing Sherlock if that's what she really intended to do. Sherlock promises that he will take her case and help with Magnussen. Mary says that John can't ever find out about her, but SURPRISE! John is there listening to the whole thing, and he's really not happy.
Mrs Hudson's Stage Name Was Totally Lapdance Souchong
Back at Baker Street, John has a justifiable hissy about all the psychopaths he knows until Sherlock points out that John intentionally surrounds himself with that sort of dangerous life (by going to war, beating up junkies, being friends with Sherlock, hanging out with gun moll Mrs. Hudson, etc.). Even worse, Sherlock points out, John is addicted to it.
What we learn about Mary is: she used to be an intelligence agent/assassin, she's probably not British, she stole a dead baby's identity for her current identity, Magnussen is blackmailing her, and after intentionally missing Sherlock's vital organs, she phoned the ambulance before even John did, thus saving his life. Also, she couldn't kill Magnussen after shooting Sherlock without implicating John in the murder.
John remains incredibly hacked off, though he grudgingly accepts that she's their new client now. Mary hands John a flash drive that contains everything about her past life. It's marked with the her real initials: A.G.R.A. Meanwhile, as all this explaining is going on, Sherlock has apparently phoned another ambulance, because he thinks he's got some internal bleeding going on and might have to get his heart restarted. You know, as you do. With his last breath before he faints, Sherlock tells John to trust Mary.Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.It was my husband's cartel — I was just typing.And exotic dancing.Sherlock Holmes, if you've been YouTube-ing...!
Love Will Keep Them Together
Who called the meeting? Mum Holmes.
What's it about? Everyone (including Billy the Junkie) being together at the Holmeses' for Christmas because Sherlock got shot and Mum Holmes wants to fuss over him, but it's also about Sherlock showing the currently estranged John and Mary what a great marriage his parents have. (It is pretty great.)
How'd it go? Good. After months of not speaking (much? At all? Who knows), John is finally talking to Mary again. He also tosses the flash drive into the fire unexamined. This is how sweet-talking John puts it: "The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future are my privilege. That's all I have to say. That's all I need to know." Awwww!
Alert Type: Brotherly Love Alert.
Issue: Sherlock lets Mycroft believe that he's given up on pursuing Magnussen. Mycroft is pleased about this because he sees Magnussen as a "necessary evil" who's useful to the British government.
Complicating Factors: Mycroft tells Sherlock that MI6 has a job for him in Eastern Europe, but that he wants Sherlock to decline, because it's a deadly mission. Sherlock thinks that would be the reason Mycroft would tell him to take it. Mycroft admits to being tempted, but says he thinks Sherlock is more useful at home.
Resolution: After Mum Holmes catches them smoking, Mycroft goes back into the house, but first stops to confess to Sherlock, "Your loss would break my heart," which causes Sherlock to do a marvelous spit-take with his smoke. Sherlock tells Mycroft to go drink some more Christmas punch. It's a pretty lovable scene.
Spoiler: Sherlock's gonna have to take that job.
Chips And Chat
Wearing a hospital gown and a morphine drip, Sherlock meets Magnussen a restaurant and asks him to invite Sherlock to his secret lair. Sherlock also examines Magnussen's glasses to learn how he carries all this secrets around with him, but is completely deflated to learn that the glasses are nothing special, which means that THE INFORMATION IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE MAGNUSSEN! This visibly freaks out Sherlock, which means that it should freak EVERYONE out. (Speaking of freaks, Magnussen paws through the fries on Sherlock's plate to ferret out and eat an olive, after which he rinses his fingers in Sherlock's water glass. Boy, this guy with the bodily fluids invasion.) Sherlock plays his ace in the hole, which is to offer up his brother to Magnussen.
Simply! Having! A Drugger-ful Christmastime!
With Billy the Junkie's chemical help, Sherlock (safely) drugs the entire household, except for John. (Don't worry, Mary and the baby will be totes okay. According to the junkie who drugged them. So.) This is all so that Sherlock can grab Mycroft's valuable laptop — last seen under a pile of potatoes Mum Holmes was shredding for Christmas dinner — and deliver the security that England depends upon to Magnussen in exchange for the dirt Magnussen has on Mary.Do you want your wife to be safe?Yeah, o'course I do!Good, because this is going to be incredibly dangerous. One false move and we'll have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be imprisoned for high treason. Magnussen is quite simply the most dangerous man we've ever encountered, and the odds are comprehensibly stacked against us.But it's Christmas!
Pee-er Of The Realm
Who called the meeting? Sherlock.
What's it about? Sherlock wants all the information Magnussen has on Mary in exchange for Mycroft's laptop, but the secret plan is that the GPS in the laptop will bring Mycroft and Britain down on Magnussen's creep-ass head, and he'll finally be drummed out of the blackmailing business.
How'd it go? Completely shit. Turns out, Magnussen doesn't keep actual files or any hard copies of stuff he has on the people he's blackmailing: it's all in his head. Oh, but how does he have proof, you might well ask, as John does. Well, the newspaper mogul has a great response all ready for that: "Proof? What would I need proof for? I'm in news, you moron. I don't have to prove it, I just have to print it." So, Sherlock and John are screwed because the British government is about to descend on Appledore with no reason to arrest Magnussen, but now with every reason to arrest John and Sherlock for their attempts to sell British secrets to a fireplace pee-er.
Sherlock seems to have no plan to get him and John out of this mess, which Magnussen totally knows, and this is where things get really weird. Again. Magnussen asks if he can flick John's face. And he does it. A lot. He taunts John with how he can destroy his and Mary's lives with all the information and contacts he has on her, and how he will destroy their lives unless John lets him keep flicking his face. Sherlock begs John to let him do it.
Guys, I'm not normally a fan of violence, but when Mycroft and his posse show up and tell Sherlock to stand away from Magnussen and Magnussen just keeps taunting Sherlock causing Sherlock to shoot the face-licking, face-flicking, fireplace-peeing master blackmailer ALL...
I gotta give it a thumbs up. (Also, he did it to keep John and Mary safe, so double thumbs up to that.)
Goodnight, Mr. Sherlock Holmes
Thumbs down to Sherlock being a murderer, which means he now has to take that assuredly deadly job in Eastern Europe. As Mycroft explains to Lady Smallwood & Co., as he pleads for leniency, not only does Britain still need Sherlock, but if they tried to put Sherlock in prison, there would be rioting in the streets.
Love, Hate & Everything In Between
Parting Is Such Sweet Sherlock
On a private airstrip, Sherlock says goodbye to Mary and John. Allowed to be alone for a moment, John and Sherlock realize that they don't know what to say to one another, other than Sherlock offering "William Sherlock Scott Holmes" as a baby name; John turns him down, since they're pretty sure they're having a girl. Though he doesn't let on that he's walking into a fatal position with MI6, Sherlock notes that he'll probably never see John again, and also that Sherlock is actually a girl's name. It's all so sad and funny and sweet and just right for the two of them.
Sherlock takes off for Eastern European parts unknown never ever ever to return again, and the theme music ACTUALLY starts playing for a few bars in the most magnificent fake-out BUT THEN your TV, my TV, Lestrade's TV, EVERYONE'S TV fuzzes out to a rugby game and then AND THEN something is broadcast all across the country that makes Mrs. Hudson scream bloody murder as she cleans Sherlock's flat. After talking to Lady Smallwood, Mycroft sighingly calls Sherlock on the plane, all, "You've clearly learned your lesson in your four minute of exile, so head on home because Britain needs you again." Sherlock is acts all put-upon, and we see that what is playing on TVs is a photo of Moriarty with the words "Miss me?" being repeated in weird voices over and over and over. It's awesome.
Please Sir, Can We Have Some More? Like, Now?
Thumbs down to having to wait god knows how long for another season of Sherlock, DAMMIT!