Could Everyone On Shark Tank Swim In Different Directions?
Kevin O'Leary wants to be Canada's next prime minister. But what will that mean for the future ambitions of the remaining Sharks on Shark Tank?
It was surprising to hear that Kevin O'Leary -- the scowling man on Shark Tank whom people only do deals with at bayonet -- is in the running to lead Canada's Conservative Party, which, if he wins, would put him on the path to become the next prime minister of Canada -- surprising in the sense that during his time on Shark Tank, Kevin O'Leary has seemed less like the kind of guy who would subject himself to the whims of a popular vote and more like he would just buy an island somewhere and install himself as potentate. And also surprising in the sense that up until now, I thought Canada selected its leaders by whoever won the Conn Smythe Trophy in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Gretzky ruled that country with an iron fist in the 1980s, man.
But no, Canada actually has elections and governments and laws beyond a comprehensive "Take a penny, leave a penny" policy, and there's a good chance that, at some point in the near future, the shoutiest Shark of all will be tasked with heading up the whole thing. And that's crazy! After all, what kind of otherwise sensible nation would let itself be ruled by a reality TV show star with no political experience and whose only skill set seems to be telling you how rich he is when he's not shooting his mouth off on an ill-tempered rant?
[Author excuses himself from writing to go participate in the mandatory Two-Minute Hate imposed by executive order this week.]
Anyhow, as I was saying, Kevin O'Leary stands a pretty good chance of heading up the government in Canada. And while I'm not familiar with the equal time laws governing Canadian elections -- I'm not familiar with most things about Canada unless it involves Toronto Blue Jays outfielders or Tim Hortons -- I can't imagine ABC is going to want to invite Justin Trudeau onto Shark Tank every week to say things like, "No, no, you have me confused with the guy who created Doonesbury." Or that the network is going to enjoy it when Kevin interrupts every Shark Tank pitch to interject, "I must say, your valuation seems off-base, NOT UNLIKE MY OPPONENT'S POLICIES FOR MANAGING THE CANADAIN ECONOMY." So I can only imagine that Kevin O'Leary's time on Shark Tank might soon draw to a close as he busies himself with brushing up on policy and learning to speak French and posing for pictures with babies while downing plates of poutine.
And I expect that will have a knock-on effect with the other Sharks. They're not going to want to turn their gaze northward to see their old buddy Kevin sitting on the prime minister's throne fashioned out of old Labatt's bottles -- I mean, I assume -- while they hear their umpteenth pitch on a new toilet innovation. At some point, our Shark Tank pals are going to want to scatter to the four winds. So what's next for them? I have a few ideas.
Mark Cuban dabbled in politics last year, hitting the campaign trail with Hillary Clinton -- IT WORKED OUT WELL, OBVS -- so I don't see him taking the O'Leary-Trump fast track to political office. Rather, Mark will go back to his first love, sports. Since the Dallas Mavericks are currently a trash fire, he'll work his ABC/ESPN connections to finagle a chat show where he can opine about sports opposite of a deferential ex-jock. (Steve Nash probably owes him a favor.) They'll call it something like The Cuban Blockade and mostly it will feature Mark complaining about NBA referees that he thinks have wronged him over the years.
Oh, and Mark will also spend much of his vast fortune making sure all copies of this photo are hunted down and destroyed.
My price starts at five figures, Cubes.
The so-called Queen of QVC becomes the literal Queen of QVC when the home-shopping network declares itself a duchy and installs Lori as its monarch. For a while, the kingdom thrives, thanks to its Scrub Daddy-based economy. ("Give me five Scrub Daddies for a dollar," you hear citizens say.) But soon, amid chants of "Heroes, not Zeroes," Lori is overthrown in a bloodless coup, supplanted by Tova Borgnine.
Having tasted reality show success on both Shark Tank and Dancing With The Stars, Robert Herjavec is hungry for more. He'll appear on all of ABC's reality shows: The Bachelor, The Great American Baking Show, BattleBots and -- with the help of a Mrs. Doubtfire-esque makeover, The Bachelorette. But that won't be enough to sate Robert's lust for reality show glory. Soon, he's popping up on other networks -- crooning for Miley Cyrus's approval on The Voice, pretending he's in the market for a pint-sized home on Tiny House Hunters, and strutting around in a banana hammock on Survivor and frightening the children. Eventually, his friends and loved ones will have to perform an intervention, which, per Robert's insistance, will be simulcast on A&E's Intervention.
Guest Shark Chris Sacca
In the vein of Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, occasional guest Shark Sacca will take his talents to Crackle in the new hit series Venture Capitalists On Segways Talking About Uber, in which he will tell a series of well-heeled guests about that time he invested in Uber.
Barbara Corcoran has made it clear that she's neither a fan of Kevin O'Leary nor Donald Trump (whom she's accused of making vile comments about her WHICH AMERICA CLEARLY TOOK TO HEART), so I don't imagine her wanting to live in a country that's adjacent to either would-be despot. Therefore, I imagine the next time Barbara gathers up her various investments for an off-site bonding experience, it will be in international waters, and she'll immediate declare a new sovereign state -- the Corcoran Compound, she'll call it. "From now on, Lace & Grace is your new head of state," she will tell her investments, as she redirects income into a way to unmoor the island of Manhattan and drag her real estate empire out to sea.
Guest Shark Ashton Kutcher
I don't know, maybe they can do a Two And A Half Men reboot, only this time, it's funny.
Daymond John has no use for your petty politics, for your crap reality shows, for your transparent attempts at self-aggrandizement. For Daymond John knows the awesome power of bees.
And the bees will do our bidding.