The Scream Queens Try To Slay A Goddess
Everyone thinks Dean Munsch is the killer again, but is anyone smart enough to figure out how to kill her back?
Pitch Black Friday
Alert Type: Killer Savings Alert.
Issue: It's Black Friday, (one of) Chanel's favorite days of the year. As an uber-wealthy person, Chanel doesn’t need to take advantage of all the doorbuster sales on boom boxes and Tamagotchis, but she enjoys buying her minions insultingly cheap presents and watching the plebes stampede over one another. She even bribes the loading dock guy at Best Buy to let her in early so she can mock the crowds outside by pretending to play with virtual reality doodads. This sequence allows Scream Queens to make the very tired comparison of mall shoppers to product-hungry zombies, which was old before the Dawn Of The Dead remake over a decade ago.
Complicating Factors: Umm...Gigi's head was served to everyone on a Thanksgiving platter hours earlier?
Resolution: You'd think this would bum everyone out...actually, no you wouldn't. Gigi's the fourteenth victim this season, and everyone's pretty much over it. So, to quote a proto-Chanel: "Get in, loser, we're going shopping."
Spoiler: Retail therapy is more stressful than you'd expect.
Wanted: New Head Of Homicide
After failing to catch a team of serial killers responsible for the murder of over a dozen people, Detective Chisolm has been let go, along with the entire homicide department. A bit drastic? Sure. But we're living in a post-Bernie world and drastic revolutions are all the rage. So, if anyone wants to take up Detective Chisolm's reins (preferably in the next two to three hours), we here at the Wallace PD would greatly appreciate it. Be safe out there!
Really. We mean it. We currently have no officers on duty. Be safe out there.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Chanel vs. The Red Devil (Black Friday Edition)
Chanel has brought her wards to Claire's to help her pick out the plastic and brass earrings she'll be gifting them for Christmas. #5 is fed up with half-assed, half-dollar bin gifts, especially since they spent so much time and money picking out a "classic Chanel flap crocodile purse" for her. Though she acknowledges the stupidity of the other Chanels buying her a $15,000 purse her "Uncle Karl" will be sending her for free, she's actually quite touched. Seized by the Black Friday spirit, Chanel decides to buy everyone matching pink Jeeps that they can use to "go on safari or something."
Of course, after walking out of Claire's, the Christmas music and lights abruptly shut off. The Chanels shopped so long that they're now locked in the mall. And I guess the Claire's store manager peaced out without closing shop. This is why Carol will never make regional manager!
#5 tries to squish her body through a barely-cracked chained door, much to Chanel's amusement, but to no avail. Luckily for #5, she didn’t get stuck in the door, because as soon as she turns her head:
The Chanels run down a pair of escalators, bickering along the way, and find the Red Devil waiting for them by the kiddie merry-go-round. (Is this Red Devil superhumanly fast or are dealing with a FOURTH masked murderer?) They eventually make their way to an open door, but Chanel sticks around to deal with the Red Devil. "I'm Kappa president," she declares, as if that's ever inspired her to selfless deeds before.
Chanel may be brave to face the Red Devil on her own, but that doesn’t mean she has even an inkling of a plan. Still assuming the Devil is Munsch, Chanel taunts her about her old age. This does not make the Devil break down and cry, but it does make him/her fire a crossbow arrow right into Chanel's shoulder. (GASP!) The Devil loads up another arrow and prepares to finish her off -- which is exactly when the cavalry rides in.
As if you had any doubt, Denise Hemphill is the new homicide chief! We don't get an explanation as to how the police knew about the Red Devil in the mall, but who cares? DENISE HEMPHILL! Naturally, Denise Hemphill blabbers on for too long about her new position, which gives the Devil the opportunity to fire an arrow right into another police officer's skull, yank down the mall's Christmas tree, and flee.
Winner: The Red Devil. Also, Denise Hemphill for her new sweet gig.
A Whole New Grace
Who called the meeting? Chanel.
What's it about? What's every meeting about? Figuring out who the killer is and how to stop him/her/them.
How'd it go? Chanel wants everyone to rally and kill Munsch. Zayday tries to put the kibosh on that plan, but Chanel gets an assist from a surprising ally: Grace. WITHOUT A HAT! Grace proceeds to deliver a monologue about sisterhood and "an impenetrable community of shields" that's been stitched together from all her previous monologues. Okay, Grace is still unbearably earnest, but at least she's not dressed like a goddamn Newsie!
Boone's Secret Booty
Situation: With Boone now officially dead, it's time for the reading of his will. Chad reads off the list of Boone's bequests to the remaining Dickie Dollar Scholars -- which is no one. Everyone else is either dead or left town when Munsch closed the campus. Pete is the only other person in attendance, and even he doesn't know what he's doing there.
What makes it awkward? Boone left everything he had to Pete. This includes an "awesome Johnny Cash poster where he's biting his lip and giving everyone the finger because you know he just don't care about nothing," his "awesome Xbox with the Kinect thing that I haven't figured out how to hook up but I hear is really awesome when you do," and, more curiously, the "shoebox under my bed filled with bottles of lube," and his "butt plug with the beautiful blue jewel on the business end." Chad is pretty sure Boone and Pete were "gay lovers," and Pete doesn’t clear up matters by admitting that Boone was his "Deep Throat" -- Pete's source for all things sketchy Greek life for his "investigative journalism."
How is order restored? Chad thinks Pete may be the Red Devil bent on revenge for being denied membership as a Dickie Dollar Scholar the previous year. He theorizes that Pete's "chapped hide" caused him to stalk Chanel for a semester, which I don't think has been brought up since the pilot. On the other hand, any friend and gay lover of Boone's is a friend (but, sadly, not gay lover) of Chad's, so Chad offers Pete a spot in the new class of Dickie Dollar Scholars. Pete passes on the offer.
Big mistake. Huge! Chad explains: "It's a longstanding Dickie Dollar tradition that if you are offered membership into the Dickie Dollar Scholars and you refuse membership into the Dickie Dollar Scholars, you must duel." TO THE DEATH! Pete walks out on him, but Chad vows to kill Pete one way or another. FINALLY!
That Quote"You WILL get murdered, Pete Martinez. Murdered to death."- Chad Radwell -
J. Walter Weatherman Lesson
Munsch Murder Attempt #1
Grace and Chanel visit Munsch at her home under the guise of starting a college feminist collective. After baiting Munsch with their musings on Taylor Swift lyrics and "millennial feminism," they offer her a Mason jar of apple cider (her fave, according to a recent Facebook post) with a secret ingredient -- pufferfish poison (from Hester's pufferfish, obvi). What they fail to realize is that Munsch is a Highlander and cannot be slain with mere pufferfish poison. Munsch drinks the whole jar and lectures the girls on the superiority of '70s feminism and what she learned interning for Ms..
Love, Hate & Everything In Between
Shove A Fedora In it
Grace catches Pete up on the plan to murder Munsch. "I am like a soldier at war," Grace tells Pete over his protests. "I am killing to stop more killing." This leads to Pete uttering something so stupendously obvious that it might as well be the definition of mansplaining: "But you're not a soldier and these aren't the beaches of Normandy. This is Wallace University in 2015 and killing Dean Munsch is against the law." OH, WORD?
But Pete doesn't stop there! He tells Grace about Chad offering him a spot with the Dickie Dollar Scholars and explains exactly why he doesn’t want to join: "Guys join fraternities to get a sense of structure in their lives. The problem is, the structure they're buying into is antiquated. It's misogynistic and hierarchal and dangerous. I have structure....I have my dreams of working at Slate.com, and I have you." Because Grace is as The Worst as Pete, this impassioned speech leads to some heavy petting, but Grace stops it there. She tells Pete she still wants to wait, and Pete steps off like a gentleman, somehow resisting the urge to whip out his PowerPoint on the importance of consent.
Since He Can't Have Boone's Butt Plug...We poisoned Dean Munsch several hours ago. She should have checked into an emergency room by now.The woman at Zion Memorial Hospital said they only admitted one person to the ER all night but it was some dude who needed help getting a Lego figure out of his rectum.What an idiot.It was Chad Radwell.What?The nurse said he told her he usually does his nightly nude yoga before setting the perimeter of Lego characters to protect his bed while he sleeps, but this time he decided to do it after and accidentally sat on Lego Captain Jack Sparrow.That's the weirdest explanation for anything I've ever heard.
Pete And His Lecture On Things I Already Knew Got Me Thinking...
Who called the meeting? Chanel.
What's it about? Red Devil. Munsch. Murder. The usual.
How'd it go? Grace is no longer set on killing Dean Munsch, so Chanel holds an impromptu vote to kick Grace out of Kappa. Grace points out that the Kappa by-laws do not allow for such a vote, so Chanel responds by having everyone vote on changing the by-laws. Zayday is the only one to vote in Grace's favor, but she also refuses to leave willingly with Grace. She wants to see Munsch dead just as much as the Chanels do.
Also, at no point does Zayday mention that, as co-president, Chanel has no right to act unilaterally by kicking Grace out. No one's talked about Zayday being a Kappa president for three or four episodes now, so I guess we're supposed to forget her election ever happened (until next week's finale when I'm sure we'll hear a lot about how Zayday changed Kappa for the better).
Okay, Stern Dad Look. That'll Do.
Grace arrives at Wes's apartment to find him conducting Red Devil research with Pete, because, in the least shocking development of this whole season, Pete and Wes are friends now. They tell Grace how they called people and googled things and determined that Gigi's sister was the fourth girl in the Kappa bathroom the night of the bathtub babies. She took the babies, but killed herself not long afterward due to the stress. Gigi then took up the task of raising the babies into li'l murderers. I guess this now gives Gigi a more rational motive, but...does it?
Anyway, Pete leaves so that Grace and Wes can have a terribly uncomfortable heart-to-heart about sex and what it means to be ready. Wes astutely points out that, seeing as he's described himself in the past as a "man-slut," he's not the best person to ask for advice, but he manages to eke out a few clichés for his daughter: "If you don’t think you're ready, you probably aren't, and if you aren’t, then no good can come from doing it anyway." Nice work?
J. Walter Weatherman Lesson
Munsch Murder Attempt #2
If poison doesn't work, the obvious next step when trying to kill someone is cryotherapy. The four Chanels and Zayday take Munsch to a cryo-spa where...guess what? It doesn't work. They crank down the temperature and keep her locked in the chamber for four times the recommended limit, but Munsch is all-powerful and cannot be killed.
I Guess You SHOULD Have Been Suspicious Of My Red Devil Costume, Huh?
What's all this now? Pete is hastily packing up all his things when his phone rings. He proceeds to have a very ominous conversation about "getting away when we still can," and feeling guilty about "going too far." Pete tells the person on the other end never to call him again, and then opens up his closet to stare menacingly at his Red Devil costume. So either Pete's a killer too or WHO HONESTLY CARES AT THIS POINT???
Wrap It Up
Having failed to Kill Munsch via puffer fish poison and hypothermia, the five remaining Kappas discuss why exactly Munsch is so unbreakable. Zayday, who doesn’t exactly seem thrilled to be partaking in this Chanel nonsense without Grace, half-heartedly suggests that Munsch trained with Himalayan monks and thus has superhuman control over her bodily functions. #5 rattles on about the plot of Teen Wolf for a minute before Chanel cuts her off. Hester has a lot to say about Rasputin, one of history's greatest villains, but her speech only serves as a history lesson. Without an answer on Munsch's indestructability, Chanel decides they should drown her, because why not? Chanel gifts everyone with a Samsung Galaxy Edge and explains how she will alert everybody using the phone's revolutionary technology -- it's got a screen that bends over the edge a little -- when it's time to gather at the school's indoor pool and kill Munsch.
When it's time to put Chanel's plan into action, #3, #5, and #6 are too busy berating a boutique employee about switching tags to notice Chanel's texts. They don’t even notice their phones vibrating because they put all their phones on a display case while loudly threatening the worker, as one does on a busy day in a crowded mall.
Zayday is also unaccounted for, so Munsch is the only one who responds to Chanel's group text. It doesn’t take her long to suspect Chanel of nefariousness, especially since Chanel brought with her a bag "clearly filled with chains." Chanel explains that they're for "bondage," and when Munsch asks her to elaborate, Chanel asks for a lecture on the "rise of S/M culture in contemporary literature." But why at a pool? "I thought we could talk about bondage and then go for a swim." Munsch is now fully on to Chanel's game, but instead of murdering her like a murderer, she leaves Chanel cooling her heels.
Chanel then returns to Kappa to take revenge on her absent sisters by writing "the missive to end all missives." Missives. Wooo.
Grace shows up at a panicked Pete's door. He's all packed and claims to be heading out to the woods to write his story "like Thoreau but with WiFi." Grace wants to go with him, AND she wants to bring her "slow cooker" so they can make "short ribs," if you catch her drift. Grace gets so excited by her own dirty crock pot talk that she initiates a make-out sesh that makes its way onto Pete's bed, saying, "I'm ready. I want to, and I want to with you." Pete feels guilty, though, and cuts her off at the pass. He tells her she doesn’t really know him, which causes Grace, annoyingly, to say Pete's name in protest about fifty-seven times. But maybe she really doesn't know him: "I don't want your first time to be with a murderer."
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUMB!!!