The Princess Diaries
Liv helps the Royal Family of Not-Britain when their own Diana is killed in a car wreck, while also juggling her rekindled relationship with Fitz.
I had totally forgotten what happened in last season's finale, and in case you feel the same, let me refresh your memory. Jake testified against Rowan and B613 in front of a grand jury. Mellie inadvertently (sort of) gave Rowan the list of grand jurors, and Rowan blackmailed Huck into killing all of them so the investigation ended. Liv, Huck, and Quinn used the money Huck had stolen from B613 to set Rowan up for embezzlement and he went to prison. Jake told Liv that now that B613 was done, so was he, and peaced out. Quinn figured out what Huck did and threatened to kill him, but sadly did not. Mellie became the Junior Senator from Virginia. Fitz kicked Mellie and Cyrus out of the White House for conspiring with Rowan, and with her father and Jake out of the way, Liv moved right in.
Caledonia, Hear Us Praise Thee!
What's the occasion? Fitz is holding a State Dinner to welcome the visiting Queen of Caledonia (also the name of my tiny hometown -- shout-out?) along with her son, the Prince, and his American wife, the Princess.
What are the refreshments? Fancy cakes, probably caviar or some shit, definitely three different kinds of champagne.
Whose big public scene will everyone be talking about tomorrow? The fact that Lizzie North orchestrated it so that the press think Mellie's got the flu, so that Mellie can't attend even though she wants to, as punishment. Or that Sally Langston is claiming on her television show that Fitz is courting the Royals so that he can install a naval base in Caledonia. But probably that Liv and Fitz totally have sex hair from all the sex they've been doing in the White House.
R.I.P. American Princess
Died tragically in a car accident, along with her bodyguard but not her husband, the Prince. All press inquiries should be directed to Olivia Pope of Olivia Pope and Associates, by order of the Queen. And if you happened to take any photographs of the corpses, you cockroach, contact Quinn Perkins, also of Olivia Pope and Associates. Paparazzi who comply can expect large cash payouts and exclusive access to photos of the Prince identifying his wife's dead body. Oh, and we're real sad about the Princess.
Plot Lightning Round
After getting shut out of the State Dinner, Mellie visits Lizzie North to insist that Fitz attend her swearing-in ceremony as Senator. Lizzie's like, "Nah." Mellie's like, "Remember when I saved you from being flayed by the Huck Monster?" Lizzie's like, "Yeah, and I got you elected, and now we're done. You're not important to Fitz, so you're not important to me."
Sally Langston grills Abby about what's going on in the White House, and why Fitz isn't attending the ceremony. News to Abby.
Liv tells Fitz he has to attend the ceremony, because he owes it to Mellie after all the boring political shit she did for him. But also because if he doesn't, that will become the story and people will start poking into his business and find out about her.
Fitz listens to Liv for once and attends the ceremony. Afterwards, Mellie thinks this means that Fitz has forgiven her for the grand-jury murder thing and tries to reconcile. Fitz serves her with divorce papers and is a real dick about it, saying that if she fights him, he will take her down. And she can try to get revenge, but he DGAF anymore because he's accomplished everything he's ever wanted.
Abby tells the press that Fitz won't be at the ceremony, and one reporter (Carol!) is like, "Are you super-sure? Like, really sure? Because everyone's tweeting that he's there right now." Abby feels like a dummy.
Fitz tells Liv about the divorce papers and Liv is like, "You served who with what kind of papers because why?" Fitz thinks this means Liv is breaking up with him because he can't believe that unilaterally making a huge decision about their relationship didn't go over well.
Fitz Is Thinking Navally
Who called the meeting? Olivia.
What's it about? With David Rosen and Quinn's help, Liv figured out that the Princess's accident was actually an assassination attempt by the Prince because the Princess was having an affair with her bodyguard. So she wants the Prince prosecuted.
How'd it go? Not great, Bob. Fitz hems and haws and acts like there are a million reasons why he can't prosecute the Prince, but Liv calls him on his shit and says that he won't do it because it would jeopardize his naval base. They quarrel like the lovers they are, to the chagrin of Lizzie and David Rosen. Fitz can't deny his motivations, and Liv is PISSED as she stomps out of the Oval.
Wrap It Up
Huck has been living on Liv's sofa while she's been getting busy at the White House. When she comes home after her fight with Fitz, he asks her to fix him so he can go home to his wife and kid. She says she can't. Huck goes to Jake (JAKE!) who agrees to help. I hope Jake assassinates him.
Lizzie tells Abby that Fitz and Olivia are totally doing sex again, and that Liv is probably behind all the shit Abby's had to eat lately, professionally speaking.
Mellie goes to Cyrus (whose hair is looking so much better!) and begs him to come back and convince Fitz to give up on the divorce. Cyrus won't, and Mellie assumes it's because Cyrus doesn't want her stink on him, in case Fitz comes sniffing around again.
Liv finds out the Princess was preggers by her bodyguard and realizes that the Queen is the one who had her killed, because she didn't want a non-bloodline heir. Liv confronts her and the Queen is like, "And? You signed an NDA so you can't do shit."
Liv realizes her NDA doesn't mean she can't tell the Prince, so she does, and the Prince insists that his mother abdicate the throne and let him take over, or he'll reveal all. Liv shows up as they load the Princess's body into a plane just to sneer an exit line about evil queens, which wasn't all that good. Weak sauce, Liv.
Liv and Fitz fight over whether or not to go public with their relationship. They really shouldn't shoot scenes on this balcony anymore; the green-screened background is super-distracting. Liv convinces Fitz that it would be a terrible idea, because the public scrutiny would tear their already fragile relationship apart.
But they don't get to make that decision. Sally finds out about them and is yelling about it on her television show, in front of God and everyone. So now the question is: Who told Sally? Lizzie? Abby? Mellie? Cyrus? There are so many possibilities.