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Your Mother Darns Socks In Hell!

A horror-movie challenge shows us that a surprising number of these queens can act.

Opening Shade

As teased last week, the remaining twelve queens finally come face to face, and the results are all side-eye and sucked teeth. Adore tries to bond with Courtney over how they've both appeared on the Idol programs in their respective countries, and unsurprisingly, Courtney doesn't know which season Adore was on. Adore and/or the producers try to pretend this is a big slight, but if her American Idol run were so damn memorable, then she'd be on the judging panel with Adam Lambert, not on the stage trying to get noticed. BOKAY?

Oooh Girl! You've Got She-Mail

Crazily, RuPaul doesn't say "Ooh, girl!" this week. Instead, she screams and screams, which hints at the main challenge's horror movie theme. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like it's always worth watching when Ru changes her formula on this show, even if it's just a little bit. It's like if Tennessee Williams slightly rewrote one of Blanche's most famous speeches.

Also: I love the ongoing commitment to the "you've got mail" reference. Half these queens are too young to remember AOL, let alone Meg Ryan's years as a box office force, but Ru is fiercely dedicated to the trends and fads of the past. I love her for that.


This shit is amazing. The girls divide into pairs and prepare one of those performances where it looks like two people have one body. Like...I lie on the ground, you sit on my hips, and my legs look like YOUR legs. Then we do crazy choreography where you wave your arms and I kick around.

That's funny enough, but then for no discernible reason, the pairs lip-sync to RuPaul songs while sitting in a sandbox in front of a cheesy beach backdrop. Because why NOT a sandbox?

After all is said and high-kicked, Milk and Adore are the winning team, which means they get to be the team leaders for this week's main challenge.

The DeLorean

Here's where we get our first serious taste of Gia Gunn's stupidity. It was always there, pulsing like a distant star, but now we're hurtling toward at light speed.

To wit: the main challenge is our first acting challenge, with each team performing a horror movie spoof called Drag Race Me To Hell. Reference to a little-seen Sam Raimi movie! Get into it!

Team Milk stars in a '60s-style black-and-white chiller, and Team Adore makes an '80s-referencing teen slasher pic. Gia's on Adore's team, and when she gets to a line about a DeLorean, she doesn't know what it is. Even better, she acts like it's everyone else's fault because they DO know. And don't you just love that? When someone decides to be weirdly proud of their ignorance and mock other people for knowing things? It's one reason Roxxxy Andrews was my favorite queen ever and never once made me want to stroke out with rage.

I'm going to sidestep chronological order and tell you that Gia gets more and more defensively stupid as the episode wears on. At one point, she thinks she's being really cute when she disses the other team for doing a black-and-white movie, and an off-camera producer is like, "Don't you think that was because it was a '60s movie?" After "thinking" about it for a while, Gia says that was NOT the reason. Because Gia is committed to being a dumbass. I hope she runs for public office in my district so I can vote for her.

Talent To The Set, Please!

A surprising number of the queens are pretty good actors -- not only Courtney, whom you'd expect, but also Bianca, Joslyn, and Darienne, who plays a severed head in a box with an aplomb that would impress Kathy Bates in this post-Coven world.

The successes, however, get much less attention than the failures. Trinity is so green that she doesn't even know you shouldn't look at the camera when you're acting, Adore hasn't bothered to learn her lines, April is horribly miscast as a butch lesbian realtor, and Vivacious, who plays the severed head on HER team, seems like she's either terrified or bored. Either way, she underscores how much Darienne did with the role.

Old Club Kids Go To Heaven

Just before the runway, we get a telling interlude where Vivacious loudly defends her old-school club-kid look, even though the younger queens shade that she should probably get with the times. Meanwhile, Trinity says her dream is to star as Beyoncé in her very own Vegas show. And thus she inches one step closer to becoming Tyra Sanchez.

Stomp The Runway

Guest judges Lena Headey (looking smashing without her Cersei wig) and Linda Blair (the perfect vintage choice for a horror movie challenge) preside over a fierce runway presentation.

Highlights include Milk, who is dressed like Pinocchio (or "Pinokey-ho" as Ru calls her) and is even holding marionette strings without a marionette attached. It's like she's her own puppet master, and I love it. April Carrion is also serving it by walking out under a large umbrella with pretty streamers coming down. That lets her peek from behind the curtain and serve us face face beauty face.

Vivacious looks pretty good in a shiny red bodysuit with black cones sticking out everywhere, but I can see how this is dated, like something you'd see in the "Wild Boys" video. There's a difference between maintaining your club-kid aesthetic with a modern twist and just recycling old tropes. This, I think, is Vi's ultimate problem: she lacks the vision and imagination to keep her style fresh.

Judges' Critiques

First, we screen the movies, and both of them end with a little person sitting in a fancy chair, cackling while she electrocutes the characters who have survived the horror movie. It doesn't make a damn bit of sense, but it is so over-the-top that it's perfect.

Milk's team nails it, while Adore's '80s folks are just awful. Especially Vivacious, who even on her best take doesn't seem to remember or understand her lines. It's painful.

Without much fuss, Milk's team wins and Darienne Lake, looking glorious in a silver dress with cape, is declared the winner. I wish we got to hear the judges' responses to the top girls, but oh well.

In the bottom group, Adore is told she needs to quit coasting on charm [sic] and actually put some professional effort into her presentation. Michelle Visage, who insists that she appreciates Vi's references and remembers the scene they came from, says that there's nothing original there to care about in 2014. Yup.

Oh, and Santino doesn't like Vi's look because he doesn't see anything feminine about it. Because Santino, as always, can't fathom drag that isn't about fishiness and couture fashion. Maybe he'll be Gia Gunn's running mate!

Lip Sync For Your Life

Vivacious and April Carrion (mostly because of her terrible acting) are on the bottom, and they must lip sync to a generic song by Selena Gomez. They're both great, with April serving a very believable sex kitten and Vivacious giving us fierce bitch drama. In the end, though, it's Vivacious who must sashay away, back to a world where Frankie is always going to Hollywood and Boy George tumbles 4 us all night long.


Nothing but filler. There's a seven-hour segment where queens try to guess the contents of various boxes by sticking their hands inside. It's supposed to be a sexual joke, but it fails. Later, there's half-hearted smack talk with Bianca del Rio trying too hard (as always) to be cutting.

The one positive: queens like Ben DeLaCreme (whom everyone is calling "Dela"), Milk, and Darienne come across as smart and nice. If they stick around, they'll probably be fun to watch.

Most Watchable Moment

I'm giving it to Milk's runway walk, because that outfit is so clever and weird.

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