Let's Pre-Judge The Season 9 Queens Of RuPaul's Drag Race!
Mark Blankenship is ready to make some snap decisions, y'all!
Where does the time go, gurl? It seems like I was pre-judging Drag Race's Season 8 queens just last month, but in fact it was exactly one year ago today. Looking back on my shade and praise, I'm proud to note that I was exactly right about Bob the Drag Queen and Naomi Smalls, but at the same time, I will own my mess for putting Kim Chi dead last. LAST! How was I to know what a glory queen she would become?
You'd think my grievous Kim Chi error might stop me from unfairly pre-judging the queens of Season 9, based on nothing but their interview videos. But you'd be wrong, bitch! Let's read these hookers up and down and see who turns out illiterate.
- Kimora Blac
How charming: Kimora spends her entire interview gassing on about how hot she is both in and out of drag.
Her entire shtick seems to be "noxious self-regard." Which reminds me of Gia Gunn. Which is NOT GOOD.
- Jaymes Mansfield
Back away, y'all. Back Away. You can tell that Jaymes Mansfield THINKS she's cute, but she is wrong.
Why're you trying so hard, honey? Do you really need to be the airhead with the squeaky laugh AND the ironic bitch with the half-assed reads on past contestants AND the dada ho with non-sequitur jokes? Maybe if you dropped one of those quirks, you'd have time to contour your nose correctly.
- Farrah Moan
I've watched Farrah's video multiple times, and the only things I take away are that she says "fetish" a lot and that she looks exactly like Courtney Act.
At best, she's going to be the pretty bitch. At worst, she'll be more forgettable than Alisa Summers.
Queens that make you go hmmmm.
On one hand, Aja seems dumb and superficial, particularly when she gives that tired-ass answer about always telling a girl she's ugly to her face. Yeah, bitch. You keep it real. You're nice, but don't come for you, or you'll get nasty. I've never heard the before except for every time I've heard anything ever. But on the other hand, when she describes her drag style and talks about representing "that hood status," something really comes alive in her face. Is it possible she's smarter than she seems? That the pressure of this first interview just made her nervous? To the middle with her until we know for sure.
Big ups to Peppermint for being the first queen to enter the competition as an openly transgender woman. I respect that a lot.
Beyond that, though, she seems a little blank. Though I will give her credit for styling her hair after RuPaul's Christmas album, and for referencing Agnes Moorehead as a fashion inspiration. Right now, she's the very definition of "middle of the pack."
- Charlie Hides
Oh Charlie, you tear my heart in two!
In this video, she is just so damn appealing, with her Bette Davis vocal affect and her self-mocking jokes about applying makeup by throwing it into a ceiling fan and running through the cloud. But she's 52, y'all. And I have been burned by older girls so many times that I'm permanently hesitant about them. Usually, the golden girls have become so set in their ways -- and so beset with insecurity about their age -- that they self-sabotage early in the show. With that in mind, I'm giving Charlie a decent but not spectacular berth.
- Trinity Taylor
I'm really a sucker for a queen with a Southern accent, and Ms. Trinity talks like Leslie Jordan, which only ups my enjoyment.
That said, when I listen to the words behind the drawl, I'm not sure I hear anything memorable. I like her, but let's see if my bias proves justified.
- Shea Couleé
Good morning, Africa! This look is so completely everything that I almost can't see anything else.
Will Shea live up to her own confidence level? Will her fashion stay this strong? Will she turn out to be an icy bitch, like she's fronting she is? No matter what, I suspect we'll be seeing a lot of her.
- Alexis Michelle
I see you, Miss Lady! Alexis has got it going on, y'all.
The look in this video is perfect -- the ideal balance between gaudy and glorious, with a touch of interstellar prostitute thrown in. Plus, her answers seem genuine and specific instead of pulled from the Drag Queen Book of Tired Sayings. In less than two minutes, I feel like I know something about what drag means to her, and I trust her to be smart and decent throughout the show. I'm betting on big things.
Of all the pretty girls in this season, Valentina seems to have put the most thought into what her look represents and references.
She's able to discuss current fashion trends like she's sitting next to Nina and Zach on Project Runway, and when you combine that with her sunny demeanor, I feel like we've got our annual pretty girl with something more to offer. Since I've seen this show before, I'm guessing she'll go far.
- Eureka O'Hara
I don't know what this lady means when she says her mom's name is spelled in the "German form" of "Eureka." Isn't "eureka" the same word in German?
I know it would be pronounced differently by our Teutonic sisters, but...whatever! I'll let her have that one. I have to represent for my Tennessee sister. (Johnson City is reasonably close to where I grew up!) Plus, you've got to assume that one day a big gal will indeed win this show, and Eureka seems confident it'll be her. Given that she seems clever, stylish, and dedicated to ferocious dancing, I think she has a shot. Or as the Germans might say, "Ich glaube, sie kann es tun."
- Sasha Velour
Sasha's mini-lecture on drag and the queer imagination, combined with her spot-on hat, has tickled my fancy. (Plus, she's the second queen, along with Charlie Hides, to reference Philip Treacy in her interview. She knows her history!)
She has the New York edge of an Acid Betty, but she projects more kindness and approachability. I'm ready to see where she takes me.
- Nina Bo'Nina Brown
I'm in. I'm so in that I booked the room for a year.
I mean...Nina's original drag name was Beeda Bitchass. And while making her Drag Race debut, she has the moxie to dress like a space princess from a Wachowskis movie. Plus, she's obviously delightful, and I would hang out with her and her Carolina accent anytime. If she doesn't go top three, then I will call my senator to complain.