What Is Wrong With Rob & Chyna?

We may never know.

Looooorrrrd, it's come to this. As Season 1 (and done?) of this nonsense comes to a close, let us reflect back on what we have learned across these six episodes chronicling this epic love story and the origin -- forever immortalized in the digital record -- of Baby Girl Kardashian, soon to arrive. Here it is: people cray. I mean, actually we've learned nothing, because for six hours of our lives, we watched a seriously depressed man haul himself around L.A. in his shower shoes as the girlfriend he barely knows hopped to and fro as best she could, debasing herself to earn a paycheck while her sensible besties questioned how they got themselves involved in any of this. Basically, it was a wash. Chyna was pregnant at the beginning of the "season," and she remained so at the end. Her impressive self-preservation was on display at all times as she basically maintained an emotional and, sometimes, physical distance between herself and the now-confirmed father of her child.

About that last point, let me just say about the following: when something gets me feeling sorry for Kim Kardashian, you know it's bad. Like, I'm watching these DNA "discussions" "unfold," each one more ridiculous than the last, thinking to myself, "Kim Kardashian is too good for this shit." That's what it's come to! KIM. And the thing is, she's an executive producer or something, whatever that means, so she is probably the one who "wrote" this exercise in human depravity, herself. I know! She certainly seems to have no problem going along with it, anyway, carrying off a caper to get Rob's DNA like something out of the worst high-school prank show, and attempting to provide counsel re: his terrible behavior. He's got to get it together and provide a stable environment for his baby, she says, or he'll end up a deadbeat dad and the biggest loser on the planet. "I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen," he snits, rolling his eyes like an annoyed tween. Kim's face speaks for us all:


How desperate were they to come up with something to do that they're trying to pass off that whole befuddling blood test as content, anyway? Chyna wants to prove to Rob and the world that her baby is his, even though there's absolutely no question about it ("I know in my heart and in my vagina that the baby is his," she says), nor is there any credibility lent to the whole enterprise by having this stupid game played out on TV. Unrelated: there's something gross about the idea that people can get pre-natal DNA tests done through the mail while a years-long crime analysis backlog exists all over the nation.

ANYWAY, none of that is remotely as gross as Rob having his subsequent "therapy" session filmed for national television. "Sounds like there's a missing link here," this mental health professional says, drawing a brilliant conclusion about his relationship with Chyna. Did this chick get her psychology degree from Trump University? Rob seems to glean from his sit down that his and Chyna's problems are all about poor communication. He's upset with her and with himself that their fighting and his depression resulted in him not getting to experience Chyna's pregnancy the way he wanted to. Chyna seems moved by this and says she will attempt to be more loving. I want to scream that Rob is apparently so desperate for money he's choosing this way to go about getting it -- he even forces himself to ask his mom to host a family dinner, something he has not attended in years!

I really wish I could offer some analysis about it and the season as a whole, but…what is left to say? I don't know how much that is shown about the lives of these dumb people is real, but if it's even 25 percent accurate, that's terrible. But it's the part that we know is made up that's the hardest to accept -- why would anyone subject themselves to public scrutiny and look so stupid that to call them stupid would be an insult to stupid people? Seriously, the only way I was able to get through it most of the time was to pretend it was fully real, because to do otherwise was too confusing. Listen, prolonged Kardashian exposure takes me through the looking glass on a level about which Lewis Carroll could only fantasize.

I'd be so happy to say that now that Rob & Chyna is over, we're free to escape the nightmare realm in which we've been trapped but, guess what? KUWTK gets its big ass off the couch next week, back to terrorize my logic centers once more with a grip of absurdity! Yes, like the U.S. Postal Service, the Kardashian money machine stops for no event, be it a birth, a gender transition, a Fashion Week fiasco, or a violent robbery. Meanwhile, in the spirit of open and honest communication, I'll just go ahead and assume we'll both be texting bitches until we meet again.

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