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Riverdale Brings The Blossoms And The Coopers Together For The Baby

Ain't no baby shower like a Riverdale baby shower, because a Riverdale baby shower has Victorian-looking prams and everybody hates each other.

Y'all, Riverdale is nice and fucked up. What was once an idyllic maple-syrup boom town has now become a den of corrupt business practices, thuggish intimidation tactics, bad parenting, and insincere affection in the practice of gay hookups. What is there even left to believe in?

Just as the big build-something-on-the-site-of-the-old-drive-in project is about to get started, Clifford Blossom steals Fred Andrews's construction crew out from under him, leaving Fred Andrews to have to make do with the gay pornography premise that is Archie, Jughead, Kevin, and Moose showing up in construction-worker drag to pitch in. But then poor Moose takes a hell of a beating from some thugs who appear to be Serpents, and Archie decides to don his letterman's jacket and go crusading.

Meanwhile, Polly Cooper is on neutral territory inside Hermione Lodge's penthouse, but that doesn't stop a full-court press from both her parents and the Blossoms. As Jughead puts it to our gang, the Coopers want Polly and not the baby, and the Blossoms want the baby and not Polly. Except, no, Juggie that's not "a true Gordian knot." It actually sounds like a fairly simple solution. (Uh, provided Polly doesn't want to kep her baby. Ugh, which she probably does.)

How'd it all shake out?

  1. Alice (Betty's Mom)
    Okay, the vagueness of this character is getting ridiculous. Reacting to Nana Blossom's crystals with "this is occultism at its most ludicrous"? WHO ARE YOU? Are you a newspaper reporter or a religious fanatic? Are you wealthy or middle class? Are you a Riverdale insider or outsider? Anyway, her big move this week is that she kicks her husband out of the house after she finds out he tried to get Polly to the nearest abortionist. Wasn't enough to get Polly to come home, but worth a shot.
  2. Polly
    After she tearfully tells the whole story to Sheriff Keller, Polly heads back to the Lodge penthouse in order to entertain a horrifyingly awkward baby shower, during which she lashes out at both Penelope Blossom and her own mother. She tells her mom that her father wanted to pay for her to have an abortion. That's apparently enough to have Polly check in to live with the Blossoms at Crimson Peak. Which honestly sounds like a great idea, good job, Polly.
  3. Fred (Archie's dad)
    Fred goes and beefs with Cliff Blossom, who looks like he's about to go fox-hunting or something. The longer things go with him being the last one to know about, say, Hermione's husband being behind the construction site (and apparently hiring the thugs to beat up Moose), the more he's gonna look like a chump.
  4. Archie
    Archie's kind of a dud. It's getting impossible to deny it. Sure, he pulls the pinup calendar's worth of construction-worker teens together to help his dad. And sure, he acts majorly pissy towards Jughead when Jug tries to protect his dad. But Archie is a total flop when it comes to confronting the Serpents or apologizing to his best friend. Do better, Archie.
  5. Kevin
    It's not much, but Kevin gets a little bit of storyline as his drive-in makeout buddy Joaquin shows up to escort our fair boys into the Serpents' biker bar. Too bad Joaquin's only sliding up on him in order to keep tabs on Sheriff Keller.
  6. Veronica
    Veronica's great, but at some point, she's going to have to stop being the girl who checks everybody in the gang and start being the girl who actually has her own storyline. Also...the "Vanity Flair" Oscar party? Girl.
  7. Betty
    Betty had a very supportive week -- supporting Polly, supporting Jughead, making sure to check Cheryl's ass before she wrecked Cheryl's ass. Kind of a back-burner episode for her, but she's still pretty solid.
  8. Hermione (Veronica's mom)
    Ever the pragmatist, Hermione wants to avoid open war with the Blossoms, Fred finding out about Hiram's involvement in his business, and in general just how many fingers she's got in various pots around Riverdale. She'd have been a fantastic maple-syrup magnate.
  9. Cheryl
    Not a ton of story for Cheryl this week, but she more than makes up for it with style. Like showing up to Polly's shower with a giant, black Victorian-era baby buggy. And pushing in Nana in her big ol wicker-backed wheelchair. Who brought a dusty old wooden rocking horse as a gift. Guys, what century does this show take place in? I'm honestly asking.
  10. Jughead
    Well, he's settled into a gross, stinky, unsexy cohabitation with Archie. And he spends much of the episode tying himself into knots over whether or not to protect and/or believe his sketch-ass dad. He still manages to be an awesome boyfriend to Betty, for what it's worth. Oh, and also...a word about that construction-site getup:
  11. Hot Jughead
    That's right!

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    Hot Jughead in that white tank has officially supplanted Archie as Riverdale's hot protagonist.

  12. FB (Jughead's dad)
    So he outs himself as a Serpent to Archie and Fred, he confesses to Jughead and Betty about getting Jason Blossom to deal drugs in order to help him leave town, and he puts on his best wounded-dad face when Jughead thinks he might have killed Jason. If he is the villain he seems to be, he's honestly making all the right moves. Also? Using a gay-teen honeypot to his advantage is...weirdly progressive of him.
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