Screen: ABC

Sharpies And Dullies

Emily used to be the only person on Revenge who knew what was going on. Is she still even in the top three?

In the latest Revenge, we get a major character finally figuring out Emily's game -- right down to corresponding Xs on a matching Grayson Global retreat photo -- even if that person's not sure about the Why of it all. This should be heart-stopping for any viewer still pulling for Emily "Lady Batman" Thorne, except we've already seen several other characters knowing waaay more about what's going on. Here's a ranking of where our Revengers fall this week, from the dullest of the Dullies to the sharpest Sharpies.

Dullies

Jack: Wait, why am I ranking Jack below Charlotte? Doesn't Jack know Emily's real identity, and isn't he now privy to most of what's going on? Yes, but Jack still believes in true love and thinks Emily will just stop and be normal when she gets her revenge. Jack, you're a boob. Also, who's watching Carl? Ever?

Charlotte: Like Jack, Charlotte's on Revenge solely to be a good person used by other characters. This week, Daniel lets her know he used her to land Javier's creepy app, the one that studies your online habits to "connect anyone to your likes, needs, and desires." (Connect anyone? In real life, people would use this for stalking. Only stalking.) On the other hand, Charlotte accepts the Bentley from her brother, so maybe she's more Grayson than she thinks.

Aiden: Poor Aiden. Like Emily, Aiden is spending his entire adult life trying to avenge his father's death. Unlike Emily, Aiden has human emotions and seems to have coasted, Summer School-style, through Takeda's revenge classes. Witness the scene where Emily's explaining what this week's mark, Luke Gilliam (White Collar's Tim DeKay), had to do with his father's death, but Aiden's TRYING TO SMELL HER HAIR. Try to pay a little attention to the life-and-death business you're in, you cockney ninja! If Aiden survives the season, I will eat a baby.

Nolan: Here's why Nolan's on this list: he's Robin to Emily's Batman. And like Robin, Nolan only seems to know what Emily tells him from adventure to adventure. This week, he's there to help steal Luke Gilliam's identity and to find Oscar Chapman, the journalist who talked to both Aiden's dad and Emily's dad. Nolan owes everything to David Clarke -- I get that -- but because of this, and despite the many, many times people have gotten killed or maimed in Emily's campaign of terror, Nolan seems to ask fewer questions than ever these days.

Daniel: Daniel's a Dullie who's come to believe he's a Sharpie. That, frankly, makes him MILES better than the Daniel of Seasons 1 and 2. This week, he snatches Javier out from under Nolan. Pretty smart! But he's also investing in a technology that doesn't really make any sense. Pretty dumb! In the end, Daniel still doesn't really know what he's doing, and probably wouldn't understand even if Victoria and Conrad made a Here's How It All Works puppet show for him.

Pascal: Pascal is the least dull of the Dullies because he's proved to be wilier than we might have guessed. This week, he shows Conrad he's serious about Victoria by playing recordings of Conrad setting up the bombing of Flight 197. That's a smart thing to do, Pascal. Trusting a guy you literally JUST TRIED TO BLACKMAIL when he tells you where Oscar Chapman is? Maybe less smart. Oh, and killing Chapman and leaving a shell behind? Who are you, Aiden?

Sharpies

Emily: Emily's still pretty Sharpie-ish, but now (a) Victoria knows most of her game; and (b) Conrad knows everything, even if we don't know what he knows (see below). Emily stays on the Sharpies list because she's the one who knocks, but honestly, just barely. In her quest to kill everyone who wore a Hawaiian shirt in 1992, she's slowly but surely underestimated everyone. I mean, here we are, three seasons deep, and she still hasn't really done anything to the Grayson family. She's a person with a manufactured identity, endless money, and the ability to help people disappear whenever they need it. Just trudge up the hill and shoot the Graysons, stupid! Or blow up their house. That'd be a neat parallel, right?

Also, it's worth pointing out that while she uses her knowledge of Luke Gilliam's Evil Fracking Business to take him out, she doesn't...actually...seem to consider that she could do this to anyone in that business and therefore take down an entire poisonous industry. Dead dads before living everyone, I guess!

Victoria: So Victoria also has a Grayson Global photo and a Sharpie! (A black Sharpie! Black like her heart!) And she's figured out, "It's revenge. For David"! This is Season 3's Scandal-esque holy shit/OMFG/HSIJTTRISAD* moment. More excitingly, it makes her a vastly more interesting character. To this point, Victoria's been playing a short game. Let me set up Conrad for some trouble. How about Lydia Davis? Oh, look, Stevie's in town and I can ruin her in a heartbeat by uncorking the famously powerful, alluring smell of, um, gin. To this point, Victoria's been very good at messing with people's lives, very bad at putting one and one together about the vindictive, Grayson-obsessed blonde living in David Clarke's house. But now Victoria's suddenly in the long game! She's set up Emily pretty nicely with the Luke Gilliam takedown, and for once she's actually a step ahead. BUT! She still doesn't know who Emily really is or why she wants revenge. That'd seem like a no-brainer at this point, but maybe I'm the only one who thought Actual Emily Thorne looked absolutely nothing like Child Amanda Clarke.

Conrad: Conrad Grayson is like the smoke monster in Lost. Whatever you think he is, he isn't. Whatever you think he knows, he knows more. He's a convenient superpower to throw in when the writers need to make crazy things happen. This week, Conrad seems to be bested by Pascal, but then he's already had the forethought to have his goon follow and photograph Aiden and Nolan, and he's somehow figured out that Brenda Evans is Oscar Chapman, even though Aiden and Nolan are the only ones privy to this info. Maybe the goon also got a shot of Aiden snatching the wig off Chapman? Even though we never saw a picture of this? Let's say that's what happened. Which means Conrad Grayson knows everything before everybody else.

Because while Victoria's verbalizing her newest discoveries, we have no evidence that Conrad has the slightest clue as to who Emily is and what she's doing. Which means he's probably known from minute one. Conrad Grayson probably has GIFs from the Season 3 finale animated, captioned, and ready to show to Emily in the Season 3 finale. "I like this one where you learn that I know and your mouth basically falls off your face. That's gonna happen in three, two, one...." Hell, Conrad Grayson probably wrote this recap, a year ago. PROVE THAT HE DIDN'T, MY DEAR.

*Holy Shit, I Just Threw The Remote In Shock And Disbelief

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